Realizations

If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Note: before you go on reading..i have this major headache right now..something i haven't had in about 3 years, so THIS might just be the result of the chemical explosions happening inside my skull at the moment..

I just realized that:

1. I'm so self-absorbed to the point that it's not funny anymore! i noticed that I rarely think about things going around me..if it has no Nella in it then I don't think about it..which to me is very wrong!

2. my life is so boring..it hurts to wake up everyday.

3. I can actually play the piano! ^_^

4. I love caps.

5. I had so many goals to achieve when i was 13..7 years have passed and I'm not one step close to any of them..

6. working out feels good!

7. I wear my glasses once every two weeks..only!

8. I noticed that when my heart is involved my brain stops functioning..and same goes if it was my brain..my feelings just can't get involved..aren't they supposed to be partners? work together?
isn't known that we should think with both our heart and mind? if i was thinking or into an emotional state..i just stop growing mentally..
and now i just don't feel that much..and I'm pissed! lol

this thought is getting me down..it sux to feel so...Deficient..and somehow stupid..

is it cause I have so much on my mind to think about other things? then again, shouldn't i be trying to get rid of all these Nella-thoughts? so that I get the chance to think about other important things? ugh..nevermind


9. my diet is very very very unhealthy! i've been eating shawarma for three days now! xD

10. I miss reading..

11. my phone is outta battery! I don't even know how..since i charged it yesterday and it never rings!

12. I’ve made some ppl in my life a priority, when I'm just an option in theirs P.s: thanx sweetness lol

13. I have nothing better to do thats why I'm blogging!

oh look..if it isn't lucky 13! ^_^

hm?

well, I've passed my teenage days..i don't know why I'm still so damn confused lol

is it true that when you're too nice, you become more like a doormat
and people start walking all over you?

well, i've been asking this Q to almost everyone i know and they keep telling me being too nice is ok, as long as you don't care for the wrong people..well, how am i supposed to freaking tell who's worth it and who's not? I'm no psychic! I'm just a too nice 20 year old..umm, woman?

ugh, why can't people be a bit easier to figure out?
i was fine being an anti-social..I was doing perfectly fine.
I'm still not social but now i know some people..and it's pretty tiring..relationships suck! all kinda relationships!

sigh...i mean can't they just be the real them before i get attached? at least i wont give a damn when i let them go..but i guess there is no pleasure without pain..wait..what am i talking about? what pleasure? xD

i need food..haven't had a thing all day and it's almost over..

oh well, until i know who's worth it and who's not, noodles..here i come.^_^

Mixed Emotions..

I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me
I still feel your touch in my dreams
Forgive me my weakness but i don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive

'cause eveytime we touch
I get this feeling
and eveytime we kiss
I swear i could fly
Can't you feel my hear beat fast
I want this to last
Need you by my side.

yaaay! at last! ^_^ we've finished KH2! (kingdom Hearts 2) ..umm,...to the ones who don't know what am I talking about..its a playstation game.

i was holding my breath at the end hoping no one dies..and no one did! ^_^ awesome ne?




anyways..letting you into my daily life..my first final is on the 27th..and I'm not done studying..actually i just read a couple of pages..I'm not feeling guilty or anything really..but today while talking to mom she asked how's studying going and if I'm ready for finals..
I said: going great! ^_^

i lied..and now i feel weird.. :(

I'll be getting a good mark anyways..but..i don't know..it's just with mom, whenever i lie to her..i feel guilty..




Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is out! and i can't wait to finish finals and go see it..i don't care if it's not as good as the first two..i don't care if it sucks! it's a 2 hour and a half of Johnny Depp..thats all that matters to me ^_^
..superficial, i know..but well,..it's Johnny Depp, i really can't help it.

I'm literally counting down the days till I'm back home..i miss mom, my sisters, dad, home..my bed.. i miss Oman..the roads of Muscat..the smell of palm tress in my Grandpa's Farm.. and the water! i miss swimming like never before..sure i look forward to summer every year so i can soak myself for hours in the swimming pool..relaxing my whole body so it starts floating on its own..but this time its different..it's like i need to be in water..
just can't wait!
..feels so good when the water goes through your hair..as if it was playing with it..


oh well,...2 weeks to go! ^_^

this is a song I'm so into lately..thought of sharing it with you..here:
Cascade - Everytime We Touch


P.s: I need Pizza :'(

..........

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

thinking: Wind,..Sleeping,..hands..Swimming pool..
Listening To: Lost to Apathy
Doing: staring into space..
Missing: myself 6 Months back..
Playing: Tekken 5
Watching: Naruto: Shippuuden 14

A day in the life of my Mailbox

From: Nella's friend
To: Nella
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 8:42 PM

Nellie girl!

How are you? Still dreaming about swimming? Cool water and not a care in the world?

What are you thinking about lately?

----------------------

From: Nella
To: Nella's friend
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 9:03 PM

i'm doing fine thank you..yourself?

i get excited when i receive a message lol..'cause it's mostly you and i somehow look forward to your messages

no I'm not still dreaming about swimming..i've found something better to do..counting down the days till I'm in the water!

well,..lately I'm thinking of..umm, trusting people..

it's not fair! ..some people leave after making it so hard for you to trust again..and when you meet someone new you get all confused and not sure what to do..it wont be fair not to trust them 'cause of someone else's doing! ..it's their chance after all, but then again..they might hurt you the same way the ones before did..

sometimes i wish i was a seer.. foretelling the future..it sure will avoid a lot of pain and disappointment..

..am i making any sense? funny how am always complaining to you..i always manage to find something to complain about xD

hope you and you're family are doing well..Take care

-----------------------------------

From: Nella's friend
To: Nella
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 9:21 PM

Awww, Nellie, you make me blush... I look forward to seeing your name on the screen..."Nella...Nella...Nella..." It always makes me smile...like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. I'm always in a better mood after I see you around...even if I thought I was in a good mood to start with...

And I LOVE to hear you complain! You were talking about trust; that's what it feels like. When you trust me and tell me what's in your heart, it's a bit magical. Like you would feel if you were sitting in a park and a bird suddenly came and landed on your finger! Ohhhh...! Keep still! Don't disturb it! Look at it carefully with wide eyes. Be very careful and maybe it will come back again...or stay awhile...or clean its feathers a bit...or close its eyes and take a nap right there on your finger! And you can feel its little heart beating so fast beatbeatbeatbeatbeat!

I think you have to decide who to trust on a case by case basis. But there are only two choices in a general way for dealing with people:

1. To refuse to get hurt any more and get hard like a rock; or

2. To decide to allow yourself to get hurt and take risks and trust anyway.

I think General Attitude number 2 is the better way. Love always involves pain, but without trust there is no love. And keeping yourself closed off ends up hurting you worse than anything else in the world.

But...you will get beat up and abused. People suck. But at the same time: people are wonderful!

I think the trick--to the extent there is a trick--is to learn slowly to replace instinctual trust with a decision to trust. You learn to keep your eyes open and to love and trust while expecting pain and knowing that you will be let down.

When you are getting ready to trust, ask yourself: Am I ready to risk getting hurt? And if you are: then trust--and hope for the best. And sometimes, you will get a happy surprise instead of any unhappy one. Because life is sad and miserable and people are more horrible than you think. But also: life is lovely and beautiful and people can surprise you with how much more beautiful they can be than you expect!

They can be like sun on the branches or a bird landing on your finger when you least expect it. And then you remember that life is worth living.

----------------------------------

From: Nella
To: Nella's friend
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 9:48 PM

oh my..seriously? every message from you is like a lesson! I'm so glad you're my friend ^_^

and life goes on

i know i always complain..i know i get easily depressed..well, I'm not doing it this time you know why? coz life is good to me lately..really, feels like everything is falling into place

isn't weird when you think to yourself that it all sucks and nothing is going right in your life before going to bed and once you wake up and start your day..all the things you wanted to happen are happening?

i don't even dream now..well, for a few days now.. and it's a relief really..it's like, i don't have to worry when I'm sleeping and i don't have to worry when I'm up! isn't that just awesome?

i also realized that sometimes you just can't do the things you want to do, even if you wanna do them so bad..there is something stopping you and i think it's..well, i don't know what it is..but its there! ok?
true! I'm a very senseless human being but lately it feels like there is this line that i just cant cross! imagine this pile of gold 10 feet away from you, and you can almost smell it! but between you and the gold is this line that you just cant cross! its like your feet wont move!
as bad as you want it you know its wrong to have it, coz it's not yours obviously! ugh ok! i suck when it comes to giving examples..but I'm really tying.
anyways..so thats how i feel..lol i guess the line I'm talking about would be common sense.

now I'm going through a desensitizing point..and I'm feeling good about it..i have this "over" thing going on with me since..i was born!
i overcare and therefore overreact, overbla, overbla...overetc, ....and guess what? I ain't doing it anymore.. coz when i overcare i get worried..and I'm worried I'm down..and when I'm down I'm not happy! so in order to be happy..i just have to loosen up a bit and don't give a **** about it. simple ne? ^_^

a week ago..i was complaining to a dear wise friend of mine about someone..he told me what he thinks and how i should handle it.
lets just say that i wasn't strong enough to go with his advice..but somehow it kinda happened on it's on..it just worked itself out! how lucky can someone be? note: I'm usually jinxed..no kidding ..i'm contagious! i jinx the ppl around me >.<
I'm kinda getting worried though..my entries are getting shorter lol..i'm not even that talkative anymore!

Rubbing it off

so i was wondering the other day about the things that get rubbed off on us without us wanting them..

i personally blame my subconscious lol :P no really..think about it..if someone you know had this horrible habit or quality that you utterly detest! yet coz of former experiences you find yourself scared of them rubbing it off on you due to the daily interaction between you and them.

ok..to make it more clear I'll share a former experience k?

i had this Bahraini friend who used to say hindia (indian) instead of stupid..and it was really getting on my nerves to the point that i told her : why do you associate Indians with stupidity? thats kinda racist you know!

anyways..days went by and I went back home for my summer vacation..and guess what was the new word added to my dictionary? yup! hindia! xD

now even though i really hated HER saying it..I became the one saying it! and it came out of my mouth all on it's own! very naturally..

you just get used to it, and unconsciously start using it..what does that tell you? that I have no personality? that I'm very insecure to the point that I'm afraid of such things rubbing off on me? should i be more sure about myself? well, WRONG! thats not it..it happens all on it's own ok? sure you can control it..i mean..I'm not saying hindia anymore, but the point I'm trying to make here is..it has nothing to do with my personality nor insecurity!

expectations and some other stuff

in two weeks time I'll be studying for my finals which'll start at the end of this month..true i only have 3 subjects to study this semester but they're kinda hard so I'll be studying..

sigh,..been almost two years since i actually did something that I'd call studying..now i know thats bad lol, but i kinda forgot how to study properly and i get As anyways..

my family came to visit last weekend..and it was by far the best weekend i've had in years! i just had a very pleasant time ^_^

i ate what i wanted to eat..i watched the movie i wanted..i had the Nachos i wanted lol, stayed up all night laughing my ass off with my sisters, spent a very nice time in the car with my parents..talking about everything from politics and religion to food, Japanese and playstation lol! -my dad doesn't know how to play playstation but he likes watching us play..silent hill is his favorite game..like me and all of my sisters :P
seriously..nothing better than dad calling us upstairs to play instead of studying ;) -

also something kinda funny happened to me while i was flipping Metal CDs in Virgin megastore in Dubai city centre..as we all know, Virgin D.J's and workers are super HOT! lol
tall, broad chest, sharp eyes and tattoos *faints*
anyways. I'm kinda into Metal lately and i've never checked it's section before so i thought i should..unfortunately i was the only one standing there and i was wearing Abaya..

once i stepped foot into the section this lady came and asked me if I'm looking for something..of course i knew that she probably thinks I'm lost and came in the wrong section -_-

i looked at her..smiled and said : oh..no, I'm just looking around.. ^_^

and then said :thank you!

*lost data*

A piece of my mind

Sigh..

I was trying not to sigh for a week now..and its not going so good, my ribcage hurts when I breathe now, I think it’s because of the so many unsighed sighs trapped in lol! Well, I’m kinda serious here..ahem..

I noticed that I think about “what happened” more than “what will happen next” I’m always looking back and its keeping me there I guess..

You know what sux more than someone close to you getting depressed? Well, everyone around you getting depressed! Im trying to live with it and hoping it wont last that long..but so far..everything is just the same..

Depression is in the air!

Why am I so talkative with some (very few) ppl and almost mute with others?

its bothering me! I’m not sure if I’m talkative or not..i mean, I’m mostly quiet (surprisingly) but with some (again very few) ppl I just cant freakin shut up! Its like I want them to know everything I know, everything I think about, everything I feel and even my random useless thoughts..seriously just the other day I went : hey! I’ve learnt a new thing about me today and I’ve also learnt a new word! ^_^

now who would really be that interested in knowing such thing? -_-

I mean, unless you want to make fun of me and go : oh! Oh! That’s awesome! Plz! Do tell! This is very interesting! ^_^

LOL! I’d laugh if someone did that by the way..just imagining hahaha

Anyways..all the above is useless wondering of Miss Nella’s..the real update is the following :

Nella’s “to do” list May 2007

1- Stop counting!

2- Less thinking about every tiny lil thing..yes, including what the bus driver might be feeling at the moment XD

3- Stop drinking 3 bottles of barbican a night..it sure feels like beer and its powerful enough for you swallow your tears..but it’s just tempo so..quit dammit!

4- Should consider taking a vacation away from Neverland and go somewhere new..umm, maybe..Reality?

5- Call grandma!

6- Wash clothes.

7- Talk to the dorm’s supervisor about the hallway’s broken light.

8- Clean the dusat off SHANTARAM and read it.

9- For once..not care.

10- Sleep…( I’m very very very tired….)

P.S: i've never had beer before..im just assuming..and what i'm counting is NOT money! i wish it was though :P

dreams, signs and shooting stars : chapter 1 (dreams)

lately i've been having weird dreams..things that don't make much sense all together but once it's interpreted it has all sorts of signs..but signs will be discussed later on..now lets focus on dreams

4 years back i used to think: hey! how come most of my dreams are not that interesting? and the ones that might be are lost somewhere in my skull - thats 'cause i don't remember the ones i wake from crying or well, feeling weird - i wish i had interesting dreams..i wish i have an interesting life lol..then again if i led an interesting life, i wont find other ppl's lives that interesting and..well, i really like being fascinated by such..ummm, baloneys :P

well, I'm more like a perfectionist..you know? the ones Oprah makes fun of? yup..i like to start my new plans and resolutions by the beginning of the week/year/decade/century/whatever and i end up doing nothing XD

lol of course no one lives a whole century..well, some do, but i really don't want to live that long..hey! imagine i live a 100 years! ugh just the thought of it XD
again i really don't mind the wrinkles..but i really really really mind outliving my loved ones

hey! i just noticed! I'm 2 decades old! coool! and in 5 years I'll be 25! hmmm,..by the time I'm 25 I'd like to have my 1st kid ^_^ that'll be nice..

ugh focus! focus dammit! i mean..what does being a perfectionist have to do with me starting my plans at every week/decade? sigh..and my 1st baby? and the topic is about dreams..my god the unbelievable straying! XD

why do i always start talking about something and then drift elsewhere? not a good habit..especially if the one you're talking to is..well, never mind
it'll just get me drifting again..

so where were we? ^_^ oh right..dreams

yeah..lately my dreams are very weird and i keep asking for interpretations..like the night b4 last night i had this dream with me bleeding so much..it was unbelievable the amount of blood i had in me lol..i mean i bled so much! but i still didn't get the interpretation for this one..

once i do and it's worth mentioning or not too personal..i will share it with you guys ok? ^_^

and last night well, i had this weird, crazy and silly dream..i dreamt... well, i was waiting for a reply to an SMS i sent b4 going to bed and the dream was : me checking my phone and receiving the reply lol! i swear hahaha..and it was so irrelevant!
i mean..the reply was : " penbar =P "
LOL..wth? XD what's penbar? some sorta code?
i mean..i don't get it in real life and the one i get in my dream is so damn ugh! stupid!

anyways..

i have two dreams in my whole life that I'd call interesting..the first one starts like this :


characters : Nella, Nella's mom, Nella's grandma, Nella's older sister and Nella's younger sister (M)

i was coming back home (it wasn't my real home btw..but in the dream it was) and i came in with my older sister..went up the stairs to the main door and there was my mom and grandmother, standing there as if they're waiting for us..

Nella and her older sister : hey ma ^_^ hey grandma!

mom and grandma: hey girls! ^_^ ..Nella?

Nella: yes?

mom and grandma pointing at a huge pile of huge gift boxes wrapped beautifully : this is for you ^_^

Nella: for me? (surprised) wow...I..I..thanx? (blushing and embarrassed lol)

then her sister frowns and goes inside without saying a word

Nella standing silently for a minute and then: whats wrong with her? :(

mom and grandma: oh honey never mind her ^_^ now are you going to open your gifts?*

Nella: well,..

then comes her younger sister from inside..she sees Nella and jumps on her.. starts hugging and kissing

M: Nella!!!

Nella *shocked* : hey..

M: hey! ^_^ ..oh! i forgot something! be right back

she goes in and comes back with a baby's blanket and then mom and grandma say: hey! lets go to the roof

Nella thinking to herself : the roof? :S

the four of them go to the roof and there her younger sister puts down the blanket and asks Nella to sit.
Nella sits on it and stares at the sky.
note: the roof's wall was pretty short for me to stare at the sky while sitting and the blanket was so beautiful :P

there shines so brightly five huge stars on the horizon, and the one in the middle was 3 times bigger than the other four..all in a perfect horizontal line
note: one of the most amazing sights i've ever seen..once i see the aurora..live! i might change my mind hehe :P

Nella sits there breathless, then her mom and grandma say: those are yours..

Nella: mine? you mean the stars? *shocked*

Nella's mom, grandma and younger sister (M) smiling warmly at her : yes.

and then I'm up..sitting on my bed..staring at my hands..i don't know why but i was staring at my hands..and i was feeling..well, i can't describe the feeling..it was indescribable

*: no ones treats me this nice and ignores my older sister..she gets most of the attention and well,..everything in real life.

thats it folks! ^_^

P.s: too long to start talking about my other interesting dream..stay tuned though..
i might just post it later ;)

and hey! i watched 300 ^_^ at last! lol

things that dont make sense..in a more senseless way

this is not gonna make sense so if you wanna have a headache trying to figure what the hell am i blabbering about then..get an aspirin ready..

ready?

ok..

1. so we all know chocolate take you to a better place..wait..do we? i personally don't understand the passion for chocolate..i crave it..rarely, but it never took me to a better place! well, i did notice that i act like a drunk when i have a lot..i once had 10 galaxy ripple :P boy! they had me eating dinner outside just so that i don't go wild in front of the whole family..yes i did gain weight that night :P

2. i really think this is a man's world..they just have more fun! besides, where i live men make the rules..so why on earth would they make rules that'll be for women's good? lool! seriously

3. i think men's mentality -even though it differs from one to the other- is very interesting! they honestly don't understand us! now if you're asking : do they bother understanding? then i don't really know..
but i assure you, they find us hard to read..just like how we think they're messed in the head for not understanding very clear things..then again, are they really clear? or just because they're clear to us we think they're clear to everyone else?

4. this is gonna contradict with number 3 : men are so predictable! or maybe the ones i know are..maybe god made them predictable so we can have this little understanding we do? I'm not sure, but really..men need to work on their surprising skills..lol

4. i stopped drinking soda..no..it's not coz I'm going healthy, it's just that i stopped for awhile and now i can't drink them..feels like pouring acid in..i can't believe i used to drink that burning ****!

5. we all claim to like honesty and we want the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth..so why do you get upset when it's not a convenient one? and why do we lie when we know the truth is the better way out? is it in our nature to lie? is that why lying is a sin? cause we'll lie eventually?

6. i've put my gift to the test, and up till now it's working fine..now I'm not sure if it really is a gift so I'm gonna run it through some more testing ^_^

7. what's meditating? is it that you sit relax and think? or sit relax and not think? coz the 2nd i understand..but the first..i mean how can you relax if you're going to think! thinking is so damn stressful!

they say 7 is a lucky number..and I'm so unlucky! so I'm just gonna keep them 7..for good luck ^_^

hey! this is weird..i so feel like chocolate! lol..the irony XD

Tuesdays with Morrie

One of the most inspiring and touching books I’ve ever read..

Even though I wasn't that enthusiastic about reading it..
I just grabbed it one day off my sister's bookshelf and started reading..

I highly recommend it to anyone who's into reading..and to the people who don’t read..i just can’t understand you >.<

It opened my eyes to many things I’ve never noticed nor thought about before..
reading it makes you think about life, emotions, death, etc.. from a total different angle

here are some quotes from the book:

• "Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won’t be dissatisfied, you won’t be envious, you won’t be longing for somebody else’s things. On the contrary, you’ll be overwhelmed with what comes back."
• "You know what that reflects? Unsatisfied lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven't found meaning. Because if you’ve find meaning in your life, you don’t want to go back. You want to go forward."
• "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."
• "Death ends a life, not a relationship."
• "The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."
• "Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling."
• "When you're in bed, you're dead"
• "Love wins. Love always wins."
• "As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed as ignorant as you were at twenty-two, you'd always be twenty-two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."
• "Love each other or perish."
• "Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."
• "Don't hang on too long, but don't let go too soon."
• "Without love, we are birds with broken wings."
• "Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?"
• "If the culture doesn't work, don't buy it."
• "If we can remember the feeling of love we once had, we can die without ever going away."

It is the true story of Brandeis University sociology professor, title personage Morrie Schwartz and his relationship with student Mitch Albom. Both the film and the book chronicle the lessons about life that Mitch learns from his professor, who is dying from Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease.


i wanted to post more..but it'll just spoil it

it being a true story makes it even more interesting ^_^

it really is one of life's greatest lessons..

Currently reading : SHANTARAM

by: Gregory David Roberts

Full Metal Alchemist

one word: awesome!

this anime is a must watch! to everyone..even the ones who can't stand anime lol =P
i watched the first few episodes 'cause my sister was into it and i wanted to check it out..it was very interesting but i stopped watching after a few episodes coz something happened in it that broke my heart XD ..i continued watching later on..after i got a bit over it

anyways..i finished it and watched the movie which is amazing as well..and now i feel like i need more full metal :( ..im so sad it's over

attention : this anime might be the best anime ever..other animes won't be as good after watching this =P

well, here is a brief description :

In this world, there exist people with special abilities to manipulate objects and transform those objects into other objects. These people are known as alchemist. However, this manipulation process does not come without cost, as the basic alchemy rules stated that something with equivalent cost is needed to perform the manipulation. The main character is a famous alchemist named Edward Elric, who loses his little brother Alphonse in an accident. Edward manages to contain his brother's soul in a large piece of armor suit. However, merging the soul and body of the dearly departed comes with great cost, so the two brothers must embark on a journey to find a mysterious power amplifier which can reduce the cost to manipulate objects greatly.

not a very clear description..thats why i posted it ^_^ ..it's better when you don't know much b4 watching ;)

I'm So Sick and Tired

I’m sick and tired of..myself!
Here comes some complaining guys..

1. I’m super lazy since I was umm, born? nah..but I’ve been lazy since I was a teenager
Which is pretty annoying..
'cause even though my body is lazy..my spirit is always hyper lol..and that's not coordinated!

2. i noticed that i don't eat when I’m happy..and lately I’ve been stuffing myself with anything you can call food or..smililar

3. Ok, so the "stronger" songs are not doing the trick..I can manage through the day but the nights..my god! Torture!
And I can hardly stop myself from getting off my bed and do what I’ve been stopping myself from doing the past week..no I’m not an addict..well, not to anything known to be addictive

4. I need to do something extremely crazy..pronto! I’m officially losing it! And I’d really appreciate suggestions..

5. I’m home..and as glad as I am to be with my family for the weekend..waking up in the morning and getting all the memories..i can't believe everything in my life was going perfectly smooth 2 months ago! Sometimes I can be such a pain in my own ass! ugh...

6. Even though I know I should've handled it differently? a part of me is very grateful I haven't and now I’m not sure which part is it..the part that wants the best for me? Or the self-destructive one? seriously..i'm my worst enemy..thats why I need help..don't leave me alone..i eat myself from the inside..slowly..

7. I usually go running..well, once a year? XD and they say exercising makes you happier..and since I can't swim yet. I’ll try that once I’m back to that ******** dorm.

8. I hate how I eventually turn my problems into motives..i don't know..that crap about me being a better person I guess..it's good I know..but I want to umm, screw up sometime and let it be screwed! Or screw it even more.

9. I hate people who start listening to rock/metal and start this whole theme of excessive black eyeliner, wearing black with some other stuff that won't match no matter what! and not washing their hair and putting lots of hair Gel on..Their whole freakin mentality changes! They’ll be like: I need drugs and I wanna die or worship Satan coz hey! I listen to death metal!
I mean seriosuly..wtf? Life is not a costume party people! Or is it? I don't know..but plz! Be original! For MY good!

10. I feel like I’m becoming more like my father eveyday..and I don't even have the right! i mean..if I was dad? I can do whatever I want and be excused..but this whole not practice what I preach is getting to me. I mean I know what's right from wrong -mostly- and I keep doing the wrong! Note: after I tell everyone else they should do the right thing!
I know! Evil!!! >.<

11. There is no eleven I just wanted to say that now I know my best friend's name. It’s Allen

Kids..

i wish i could turn back time..or at least go back in time..just to see that little Nella laughing, playing around and opening her eyes wide open and smiling widely when she sees or hears something new and interesting she never saw or heard before?
..i still do that btw, lol..the opening my eyes and smiling widely..

wasn't it nice? when we had no worries? when nothing made sense and it was ok with us?
when all our concerns were candy and toys?

life can be so hard once you grow up to understand..why did the world change once we grew up? why is there hating? hunger? gossip? selfishness? enviousness? etc..

later on we come to understand that they were always there but we only came to understand what going on around us..
we just didn't notice them..
all of the hating, the gossip..even war..we never knew that when we wanted more candy, kids in Africa were dying from hunger..we didn't know that when i was going to school and worrying about my homework..Palestinian kids were worrying about reaching school alive..

i think that there is a part of us which will always want to be a kid again..each for it's own reasons, but the part in me that wants to go back is fairly big..thats why i think I'm too naive and childish..that's why I'm so irresponsible and I look at people as all good and nice and treat them that way..nicely

lots of not so good childhood memories i have, lots of not so good teen hood memories i have and lots adulthood memories i have..and i will cherish them all..along with the good ones..

i noticed that bad memories make me smile when i remember them..and good ones make me sad..maybe coz I'm glad the sad ones are gone
and sad the good ones can never be repeated?
i don't know really..but i really wanna go back to being a kid..

life really was rainbows and butterflies..

again?

i just had three different experiences in less than 36 hours..nothing special really..but it felt like a tornado..had a great impact..somehow

experience #1:
i met someone who's almost like me..she's extremely adorable and we have so much in common i felt like i was talking to myself..the things we like, the thing's we've been through..well, it's not like i know her very well but i just felt like i was looking in a mirror and talking to the image reflected..of course the image wasn't me lol..it was her image but it felt like the one i usually talk to is finally smiling back at me..

she told me about her imaginary friend and i've found it astonishing..

i do have someone i could call an imaginary friend but it's not exactly that..its been almost a month since we met..i don't know her name yet..i needed some fresh air so i went for a walk outside and stood there watching the sunrise..it was quiet a meeting and from that day on we became so close..we talk for hours and she's just like my shadow now
but i still don't know her name
she looks exactly like me..except that she's the opposite? personality wise

she's mean lol..and very sure of herself..i won't call her the best in me..i don't see being mean as the best in anyone..she's strong and determined..she's not the type who'd look back..

yup! the exact opposite

i like how she listens but i really don't like how she reacts to my actions..she keeps calling me stupid and childish..even though mostly? it's all just that...

?: you should try and think of yourself first sometimes..you don't honestly think you'll be getting something in return for being nice or honest or loyal or any of that are you? why do you keep caring for people who won't even have second thoughts of you?

Nella: well, its just how i am..

?: well, this 'you" should be up for some changes..you're too nice for you're own good..

Nella: why is everyone saying this? what's wrong with being too nice anyways?


?: lol..well, why would they bother telling you such a thing anyways? too nice is just gonna be turned on you..

Nella: oh...well..

?: btw, im quiet pissed at what you've been doing recently..

Nella: what?

?: why do you open your heart and pour it all out once you get emotional? and seriously that joke was so uncalled for

Nella: i don't know what came to me..i just said it

?: oh well, next time? zip it!

Nella: why do you keep yelling? im right here you know!

?: well, you're just too naive and it's...it's annoying!

Nella: can we talk about something else plz?

?: yeah ok..how about we talk about what you've been hiding? it's so obvious you're a mess

Nella: noticed?

?: i just said it's so damn obvious! ugh..you're slow..

Nella : ^_^ oh yeah..that...

?: not gonna say?

Nella: it left a fresh hole..and it still hurts when the wind blows through..sooner or later you'll find out..i might just not take it and you know..collapse?

?: you're way to hard on yourself you know..get it out on someone else..someone who deserves it! for a change..

Nella: haha..yeah, you know? some ppl should be getting their a$$ kicked ^_^...thanx..i kinda feel better..weird though..all you do is yell and stick that stinkin reality in my face

?: better than day dreaming..you just like to run away to your own lil neverland..where everything is exactly how you wish it would be and it annoys me when you start believing it..

Nella: well, that's called hope! i just hope it turns out how i imagined

?: raaaaaight..and it never goes the way you imagined..it doesn't work princess!

Nella: lol..are you the part of me who believes in reality? hahaha..no wonder you're just so mean..

and it goes on and on..until i get interfered...she's the only one i trust completely..she knows me like no one else and i guess she's not leaving coz there is no where else to go..
i'm starting to believe that everyone who gets to know me, leave me..
is it me? am i too complicated? maybe cause i don't know how to deal with ppl? i don't know..

experience #2:
i had a big fight with a person i hold so dear..well, we fight usually and it seems like it wasn't going anywhere..i wouldn't say there was no understanding, ummm..there was..a little

but it was for the best to let it off i guess..
i was getting closer and it might've made it harder..you know..more memories to try and forget?
it wasn't me who closed the door though..

oh well, move one Nella..you've been through tougher times and you're handling yourself very well up till now..i can't believe i just said that! i'm actually learning that it's not impossible to move on! lol

I'm holding up strong till now..pretending to be strong is more like whats going on..but that's how we move on right? bottling it up and putting that fake smile on..

ok..this got me a bit upset XD
..and it's long enough..I'm not gonna talk about experience #3
ugh..it's stupid like the two above anyways..

laters...

So Simple..

or When I first heard stacie Orrico's song : "so simple" I was like : OH! That's like..that's like ME!!
or how i wanna be..i'm not really sure lol

I just live this song! ^_^
nothing more to say really..
Here’s the video and the lyrics..
It just speaks of me

Video:



Lyrics:

(It could all be so simple, simple)
Don't need high heels
For a good feel


You can keep the fancy clothes
I'll take walkin in the rain
Over things material
I'll trade Melrose and the big names
Give me faces that I know
Just play a melody that everybody knows


Take it down, down, down
And strip it to the core
I don't really need much less is more, more, more

CHORUS:
True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)


Give me wisdom, plain and truthful
Teach me somethin I don't know
Plain as education, inspiration I suppose (yeah yeah)
Give me family, on a Sunday
And I'll be just fine
There's nothing in the world
That's worth more of my time


Take it down, down, down
And strip it to the core
I don't really need much less is more, more, more


CHORUS:
True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)


True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)


Livin my dream,
is my song to the world (let 'em hear it)
Sharin' my soul and spirit
I'm hopin that you hear it
Got one (one) life (life) to live (live)
It's only what you make it (make it)

Currently

these are the things im currently doing :P

Watching:
Tsubasa Chronicle

Syaoran, a boy who wants to become an archeologist, and Sakura, a princess from the Clow Kingdom, are childhood friends with a close relationship. On a fateful night, Sakura lost all her memories as a result of a conspiracy to obtain her powers. In order to regain her memory, Syaoran seeks help from the witch, Yuuko. Yuuko tells Syaoran that he has to travel from one alternate reality to another to collect fragments of Sakura's memory. However, even if Sakura regains her memory, she will have no recollection of Syaoran. Travelling together with them is Kurogane, a warrior who was exiled from his country, and Fye, a magician who wants to escape from his King. With the help of a magical creature, Mokona, they set off on an exciting journey through time and space.

it's pretty nice..up till now I'm enjoying it ^_^ episode 12!


Listening To:


Daughtry

Christopher Adam "Chris" Daughtry (born December 26, 1979) is an American rock singer-songwriter and guitarist who is the lead vocalist of Daughtry, a popular rock band formed by him in 2006. He is perhaps best known as the fourth-place finalist on the highly publicized fifth season of American Idol, eliminated from the competition on May 10, 2006. After his departure from Idol, his band's self-titled debut album sold more than 1 million copies after just 5 weeks of release, becoming the fastest-selling debut rock album in Soundscan history^[1], and so far outselling his fellow season 5 contestants' (6th place Kellie Pickler, runner-up Katharine McPhee and the season winner Taylor Hicks) debut albums. In its ninth week of release, the album reached number 1 on the Billboard charts, edging out the Dreamgirls soundtrack. He is currently the best-selling Idol contestant who was neither the winner or runner-up of their season.

it's so worth checking you guys! I'm so into the 2 songs i downloaded so far! I'm downloading the album right now..I'll come back to this when i listen to all the tracks inshallah ^_^

here's a video:



Drinking:

Lipton Ice tea Peach!

i'm getting hooked on this..it's just refreshing and awesome! ^_^ i've been drinking 4 cans of this everyday for awhile now



Playing:

Kingdom Hearts II

s an action role-playing game developed by Square Enix Co., Ltd., partly published by Buena Vista Games, and directed by Tetsuya Nomura. Kingdom Hearts II was first released in 2005 in Japan for the Sony PlayStation 2 video game console. After one month of availability, it sold one million copies in North America and was the second best selling game of 2006.^[1]

Kingdom Hearts II is the follow-up to the 2002 PlayStation 2's Disney Interactive/Squaresoft RPG Kingdom Hearts, and its 2004 Game Boy Advance sequel, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories. The story centers around a group of heroes searching for lost friends and trying to decipher and defeat the mysterious Organization XIII, along with a large cast of characters from both Disney and Square Enix properties.

this game is one of the coolest! i really like the fighting style..the story..and just the whole thing! ^_^ many Disney memories..oh btw! i highly recommend all the gamers out there to play this..i know im a bit late..and most if not all are done with this XD ..it just took me some time to get it..

and i'm almost done! :D


Studying:

absolutely nothing :P

weak..

once..

i was laughing with my sisters and mom was looking at me with that motherly smile

later on when she came to kiss me b4 going to sleep..she laid next to me touched my nose with her fingers and said : you have the most beautiful nose i ever saw you know? ..i of course blushed..don't get the impression my nose is perfect XD it isn't! ..mom was just being..mom! hehe

but then she had this more serious worried look on her face and said: why do you try so hard to look so tough? you're not..you're way too fragile then how you pretend to be..

i gotta tell you it felt as i've been stabbed..not that it hurt for her to tell me..but it hurts for someone to see through me this clearly when i was trying my best to hide it..

i just burst out crying..she hugged me and calmed me down..kissed me and ended up sleeping next to me.. well, it's not like i wanna share this painful moment with you or anything..im just..well,


lately..i'm feeling so weak..i just wanna stand in that strong wind outside and hope i get torn to tiny little pieces and vanish..
im collapsing and feeling really weak..

and mom is not here to calm me down and hug me..

mom? i need you....

How to Order a Contract Killing

How to Order a Contract Killing

Assassinations are the most practical solutions to common problems. Thanks to the Internet, ordering a hit has never been easier. We manage a network of freelance assassins, available to kill at a moment's notice. All you have to do is send us an email, along with the details, and wait for further instructions. All the correspondence is done through our secure online forms. We use military grade encryption technology, which ensures complete privacy. You only have to tell us "Who", "Where", and "When"; we already know "What" and don't care about the "Why".

Our basic contracts start at $50,000 per head (plus expenses). The basic package consists of a cut and clean kill, which is accomplished either by means of firing two rounds of ammunition into the back of the head, or by firing a bullet from a distance through a high-powered sniper rifle. In either case the hit accomplishes the same results: the mark is dead, and someone will be wondering who killed him.

Ordering a Contract Killing in Five Easy Steps:

1 -- First you send us an encrypted email through our secure contact form. Just tell us "Who", "Where", and "When"; we already know "What" and don't care about the "Why". Don't give us too many details at this point; just stick to the basics.

2 -- If we accept your offer, you will receive a set of instructions telling you how to send a $25,000 deposit. Follow our instructions and send your deposit EXACTLY as instructed. Then you wait for another set of instructions.

3 -- Once we receive your deposit we will send you another set of instructions. This is when you get to tell us more about your mark. Give us as much relevant information as possible and tell us how you would like him/her to die. Be sure to include only the relevant information. We don't want to know about how you feel or what you had for breakfast. Save all that for your shrink. Then you wait for further instructions.

4 -- We will contact you back with a final quote. If you accept you will have to send us a balance that will bring your deposit up to 50% of the final cost. Once you send this deposit balance you only have to wait for one final set of instructions.

5 -- Once we fulfill our contract we will send you another set of instructions telling you how to settle your outstanding balance. You will have 72 hours from the "time of death" to pay us what you owe. You are well advised to make your final payment your top priority.

Gift Certificates:

If you know someone who wants to have someone killed you can purchase a gift certificate, starting at $25,000. We will send you a 16-digit activation code that will have to be used to activate the gift certificate in the future. Gift certificates are valid for up to one year.