مبارك عليكم الشهر

A Blessed Ramadhan everyone!

Picture by the ever so talented  BahiQ8

a sense of fashion

I'm not a Fashionista.. I'm not devoted to fashion clothing, and fashion doesn't get me high, but I just LOVE this look! adorably innocent from the knees up, and super sexy from the knees down. and that relaxed updo! The contradiction is all too gorgeous I just had to let the whole world (or whoever has been keeping track of this almost-neglected blog) know! ♥

disappointed with my life

I haven't logged on my blog in ages! when I did the other day (day of template change) I had the intent of updating, but after skimming through it, I realized that I shouldn't blog anytime soon; because my new posts are only going to be replicas of my previous entries.

contemplating on whether I should blog about other trivial matters until I have something personal, worth blogging about, and is NOT repetitive.


until then,
xoxo

template change!

Arabesque ♥ ♥ ♥

Pollyannaism

I'd like to believe that,
:: every time I smile, someone's life brightens up..just a little.
:: every time I laugh, a sick person feels a little better.
:: every time I feel deliriously happy, a meteor shower hails from the skies.
 

Does the good outweigh the bad?

or are we better on our own?

كيف نتداوى من ادمان صوت من نحب؟

لا أحد يعلمنا كيف نحب ..كيف لا نشفى.. كيف ننسى ..كيف نتداوى من ادمان صوت من نحب ..كيف نكسر
ساعة الحب.. كيف لا نسهر.. كيف لا ننتظر..كيف نقاوم تحرش الاشياء بنا .. كيف نحبط مؤامرة الذكريات .. وصمت الهاتف..
كيف لا نهدر أشهرا واعواما من عمرنا في مطاردة وهم العواطف ..كيف نتعاطف مع جلادنا من دون أن نعود الى جحيمه ..كيف نخرج من بعد كل حب أحياء وأقوياء ,وربما سعداء.
هل من يخبرنا ، ونحن نبكي اليوم بسبب ظلم من أحببنا ،، اننا يوما سنضحك مما اليوم يبكينا ؟؟!!
سنندم كثيرا لاننا أخذنا الحب مأخذ الجد .. فلا أحد قال لنا انه في الواقع أجمل أوهامنا , وأكثرها وجعا..ز

com من رواية نسيان
       أحلام مستغانمي

Notice of termination

DEAR DEVIL:

in the past couple of months; every night, before I went to sleep, you've successfully managed to sneak behind the security guards, and tiptoe into my archive room.
you rummaged through my memory files, binders and tapes, and diabolically picked the memories that would undoubtedly unleash the worst of pains. you then sneaked back again, unnoticed by the oblivious guards, and inside the conference room. that's where you've carefully inserted one painful memory after the other, upside-down into the slide-projector..and played them over and over again.

well, you had your laugh and I'm very delighted to tell you that your sneaking days are over.
I've assigned new security guards.
you must've noticed them..the bulky dude with the name tag "strength"? and the other tall one? his name tag reads your worst nightmare, "faith".
I'm sure you saw them. they're hard to miss.

I've changed the locks as well. so if you think you can still sneak in, you no longer have access to any of the rooms.
The new locks are no ordinary locks, you -fortunately- can't pick-lock your way through those. They're digital  new locks. Passwords required. passwords you can't fathom, let alone break.

PLEASE TURN IN YOUR UNIFORM AND KEYS AT THE RECEPTION DESK ON YOUR WAY OUT OF MY HEAD.
THANK YOU.

just because I promised..

I promised a high-spirited update soon, but I'm feeling anything but high spirited right now..I woke up to depressing thoughts, followed by bad news, and my mood just got officially effed by the vein-bursting Oman - Australia game..sigh

promises are promises though so..here you go =)

A Lot Like...an update

a friend tweeted this quote, and I liked it so much I decided to quote her quote in my blog hehe

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

well effin' said, huh?

Ain't it funny?*

*no..not JLO's song..even though the lyrics seem very applicable to my situation.

Back when it all started:
An Emarati friend I haven't seen in a week: "OMG Nella! you lost weight! and your eyes are glowing! You're in love, aren't you?"

 When it was all over:
A cousin I haven't seen in a week: "OMG Nella! you lost weight! and you look tired and..like you're sick. are you..like..in love or something?"

----
Picture by laurapora

Couldn't you just..

It hurts.
Not like when you accidentally dip four of your fingers into boiling oil, not like knocking your foot against the nightstand, not like anything that I can explain really.. It just hurts.

It's suffocating and it builds up in that spot right above your stomach and right below your throat.

You never really get over it. You have memories, and those (happily..or sadly..I can never seem to be able to decide what to think of them) never go away. All of your desperate attempts to forget soon find their way down the drain; because someone, somehow, has to bring up a name. someone, sometime, has to ask for more tic tacs. someone, somewhere, has to ask about your posters. Any excuse of an excuse to trigger a memory..

It hurts; uncontrollably, undeniably, painfully; it hurts.

حتى في ضحكتي غصة

...........................................

Wedding Depression Season

Everyone is getting either engaged or married, and it's making me feel too single..not jealous, not envious, just..awfully alone. I thought I won't feel this way until..my birthday...or Valentine's maybe..

I feel like the ship has sailed and I'm still standing on the pier, hopelessly waiting for it to return.

Drawing a name in the sand over and over again, while the waves continue to stubbornly erase the traces my finger had left..

Dear Blogger-y,

The result of last night's semi-subconscious, desperate and [lets admit] pathetic move; was a lethal mix of frustration, embarrassment and self-loathing.
what baffles me the most however, is that the final product of this mix is not as lethal as one would predict...it's..I can't believe what I'm about to say but..comforting.

frustration + embarrassment + self-loathing = comfort
who would've known, huh?

I hope this equation holds until tomorrow morning. *fingers crossed*

With hands clasped in prayer..

Please please please please please please pleeease don't let me get sick...again!
The amount of sickness (carsickness included) I've suffered from in the past few months should last me till the end of the year..at least? please?

Besides, being sick is one thing, being sick AND lonely is a totally different thing!
my painkiller is no longer available.. it requires a prescription no one is ever going to write for me..

please? ...

قال

أحب اسمك -

 حقا؟ -

 أجل... -

قبضته مليئة بالنجوم

 

  "أريد أن أكتب اسمك في السماء"

يقولها و تضيء النجوم بتناغم مع ابتسامته المعدية

ابتسمت و رفعت رأسي ، فتلاقت أعيننا

في عينه نظرة حائرة

سألته: هل غيرت رأيك؟

لا.. -

ماذا اذا؟ -

 ما اسمك؟ .... -

 

Picture: TanssivaPanda from Deviantart

You'll never be there for me..

I woke up in yet another uncomfortable and painful yoga position. My back ached and my arms knotted in a painful twist. I don't know why the unconscious me is determined to twist in the weirdest angles while I'm sleeping. Does she hate me that much?

waking up with the stiffest neck every day is not fair. It effs up your already effed up day.
But lots of things in life aren't fair:
- The fact that almost all the shoes I like are never available in size 39, is not fair.
- The fact that loneliness and despair never tire of haunting me down every night right before going to sleep, is NOT fair.
- The fact that I only get monitored doses of a substance very similar to endophins but doesn't exactly have the same effect is, SOOO NOT fair!
- The fact that whatever hope I have during the day vanishes the minute my head hits the pillow is DEFINITELY not fair!
- And the most unfairest of them all is the fact that, the only time I have you with me is in my dreams..

Today was no exception..I woke up with a smile on my face, my eyes half closed, and I had no plans of opening them up any time soon. I was indulged in my post-dream daze, reliving every little euphoric detail of what happened in my dream over and over again, before this great/painful epiphany occurred to me. It was just another vivid dream! and I had woken up! and it was devastating!!
In rebellion against this awful truth, I shut my eyes tight, and quickly tried to remember every little detail of the dream I had, in hopes of...I don't really know in hopes of what..

Did I want to go back to the dream I was having? or was I hoping that ..if I tried hard enough it would become a reality? I don't know..all I know is that failed attempt after failed attempt, my frustration built up..and 10 minutes after failing (in whatever it is I was doing), I pressed my  face against the pillow and shouted at the top of my lungs. I was angry..so angry I could've killed somebody.

I would trade the rest of my life, if I could live in the dream I had last night..

Written Consolation

I'm sure that who's ever been keeping track of my recent entries (besides myself)  must've thought at one point "why is she publishing all of this if she's not directing it to a certain someone, why must she parade her sadness if she's not looking for sympathy?"

Well, this question has crossed my mind every time I checked my blog, every time I moderated a comment, and every time I published a new post. "Why are you doing this? If your purpose was truly to 'document' this sad period of your life, then why don't you keep a private journal? why does the world have to know that you're 'crushed beyond repair'?"

In all honesty? I don't know. I asked this question to myself so many times I've lost count, and I still fail to see the point of what I'm doing.
All I know is that writing comforts me. when I write, a faint light of hope ignites within me. and for a few hours, I live in momentarily peace. I think happy thoughts, something along the lines of  "you're fine, everything is gonna be alright. you know, a lot of people got bigger problems, yours is considered trivial in....Congo for example!"

But that peaceful feeling of strength soon wears off, and I'm back to square one.

If I could describe my shattered emotional state in one word at the moment, it would be Terrified.
I'm terrified of staying depressed, I'm frightened that I'll always be depressed, I'm scared that all the happiness that's been drained out of my life will never return, I'm worried I'll never move on, The thought of not being able to pull my life together is eating at my heart (or whatever is left of it).

This whole thing has literally drained my will to do anything. I'm still standing right where I was 35 days ago (I can't believe it's been that long, or that short)
sigh....

I've Dreamed of You So Much

I've dreamed of you so much that you're losing your reality.
Is it already too late for me to embrace your literal,
living and breathing physical body
and to kiss that mouth which is the birthplace
of that voice which is so dear to me?

I've dreamed of you so much that my arms--
which have become accustomed to
lying crossed upon my own chest
after attempting to encircle your shadow--
might not be able to unfold again
to embrace the contours of your literal form,
perhaps

So that coming face-to-face
with the actual incarnation of what has haunted me
and ruled me and dominated my life for so many days and years
Might very well turn me into a shadow.

Oh equilibriums of the emotional scales!

I've dreamed of you so much that
it might be too late for me to ever wake up again.
I sleep on my feet, body confronting all the usual phenomena
of life and love
and yet when it comes to you--
you, the only being on the planet who matters to me now--
I can no more touch your face and lips
than I can those of the next random passerby.

I've dreamed of you so much,
have walked and talked and slept so much
with your phantom presence
that perhaps the only thing left for me to do now
Is to become a phantom among phantoms,
a shadow a hundred times more shadowy
than that shifting shape which moves
and which will go on moving,
stepping lightly and happily
across the sundial of your life.

Robert Desnos