I'm So Sick and Tired

I’m sick and tired of..myself!
Here comes some complaining guys..

1. I’m super lazy since I was umm, born? nah..but I’ve been lazy since I was a teenager
Which is pretty annoying..
'cause even though my body is lazy..my spirit is always hyper lol..and that's not coordinated!

2. i noticed that i don't eat when I’m happy..and lately I’ve been stuffing myself with anything you can call food or..smililar

3. Ok, so the "stronger" songs are not doing the trick..I can manage through the day but the nights..my god! Torture!
And I can hardly stop myself from getting off my bed and do what I’ve been stopping myself from doing the past week..no I’m not an addict..well, not to anything known to be addictive

4. I need to do something extremely crazy..pronto! I’m officially losing it! And I’d really appreciate suggestions..

5. I’m home..and as glad as I am to be with my family for the weekend..waking up in the morning and getting all the memories..i can't believe everything in my life was going perfectly smooth 2 months ago! Sometimes I can be such a pain in my own ass! ugh...

6. Even though I know I should've handled it differently? a part of me is very grateful I haven't and now I’m not sure which part is it..the part that wants the best for me? Or the self-destructive one? seriously..i'm my worst enemy..thats why I need help..don't leave me alone..i eat myself from the inside..slowly..

7. I usually go running..well, once a year? XD and they say exercising makes you happier..and since I can't swim yet. I’ll try that once I’m back to that ******** dorm.

8. I hate how I eventually turn my problems into motives..i don't know..that crap about me being a better person I guess..it's good I know..but I want to umm, screw up sometime and let it be screwed! Or screw it even more.

9. I hate people who start listening to rock/metal and start this whole theme of excessive black eyeliner, wearing black with some other stuff that won't match no matter what! and not washing their hair and putting lots of hair Gel on..Their whole freakin mentality changes! They’ll be like: I need drugs and I wanna die or worship Satan coz hey! I listen to death metal!
I mean seriosuly..wtf? Life is not a costume party people! Or is it? I don't know..but plz! Be original! For MY good!

10. I feel like I’m becoming more like my father eveyday..and I don't even have the right! i mean..if I was dad? I can do whatever I want and be excused..but this whole not practice what I preach is getting to me. I mean I know what's right from wrong -mostly- and I keep doing the wrong! Note: after I tell everyone else they should do the right thing!
I know! Evil!!! >.<

11. There is no eleven I just wanted to say that now I know my best friend's name. It’s Allen

Kids..

i wish i could turn back time..or at least go back in time..just to see that little Nella laughing, playing around and opening her eyes wide open and smiling widely when she sees or hears something new and interesting she never saw or heard before?
..i still do that btw, lol..the opening my eyes and smiling widely..

wasn't it nice? when we had no worries? when nothing made sense and it was ok with us?
when all our concerns were candy and toys?

life can be so hard once you grow up to understand..why did the world change once we grew up? why is there hating? hunger? gossip? selfishness? enviousness? etc..

later on we come to understand that they were always there but we only came to understand what going on around us..
we just didn't notice them..
all of the hating, the gossip..even war..we never knew that when we wanted more candy, kids in Africa were dying from hunger..we didn't know that when i was going to school and worrying about my homework..Palestinian kids were worrying about reaching school alive..

i think that there is a part of us which will always want to be a kid again..each for it's own reasons, but the part in me that wants to go back is fairly big..thats why i think I'm too naive and childish..that's why I'm so irresponsible and I look at people as all good and nice and treat them that way..nicely

lots of not so good childhood memories i have, lots of not so good teen hood memories i have and lots adulthood memories i have..and i will cherish them all..along with the good ones..

i noticed that bad memories make me smile when i remember them..and good ones make me sad..maybe coz I'm glad the sad ones are gone
and sad the good ones can never be repeated?
i don't know really..but i really wanna go back to being a kid..

life really was rainbows and butterflies..

again?

i just had three different experiences in less than 36 hours..nothing special really..but it felt like a tornado..had a great impact..somehow

experience #1:
i met someone who's almost like me..she's extremely adorable and we have so much in common i felt like i was talking to myself..the things we like, the thing's we've been through..well, it's not like i know her very well but i just felt like i was looking in a mirror and talking to the image reflected..of course the image wasn't me lol..it was her image but it felt like the one i usually talk to is finally smiling back at me..

she told me about her imaginary friend and i've found it astonishing..

i do have someone i could call an imaginary friend but it's not exactly that..its been almost a month since we met..i don't know her name yet..i needed some fresh air so i went for a walk outside and stood there watching the sunrise..it was quiet a meeting and from that day on we became so close..we talk for hours and she's just like my shadow now
but i still don't know her name
she looks exactly like me..except that she's the opposite? personality wise

she's mean lol..and very sure of herself..i won't call her the best in me..i don't see being mean as the best in anyone..she's strong and determined..she's not the type who'd look back..

yup! the exact opposite

i like how she listens but i really don't like how she reacts to my actions..she keeps calling me stupid and childish..even though mostly? it's all just that...

?: you should try and think of yourself first sometimes..you don't honestly think you'll be getting something in return for being nice or honest or loyal or any of that are you? why do you keep caring for people who won't even have second thoughts of you?

Nella: well, its just how i am..

?: well, this 'you" should be up for some changes..you're too nice for you're own good..

Nella: why is everyone saying this? what's wrong with being too nice anyways?


?: lol..well, why would they bother telling you such a thing anyways? too nice is just gonna be turned on you..

Nella: oh...well..

?: btw, im quiet pissed at what you've been doing recently..

Nella: what?

?: why do you open your heart and pour it all out once you get emotional? and seriously that joke was so uncalled for

Nella: i don't know what came to me..i just said it

?: oh well, next time? zip it!

Nella: why do you keep yelling? im right here you know!

?: well, you're just too naive and it's...it's annoying!

Nella: can we talk about something else plz?

?: yeah ok..how about we talk about what you've been hiding? it's so obvious you're a mess

Nella: noticed?

?: i just said it's so damn obvious! ugh..you're slow..

Nella : ^_^ oh yeah..that...

?: not gonna say?

Nella: it left a fresh hole..and it still hurts when the wind blows through..sooner or later you'll find out..i might just not take it and you know..collapse?

?: you're way to hard on yourself you know..get it out on someone else..someone who deserves it! for a change..

Nella: haha..yeah, you know? some ppl should be getting their a$$ kicked ^_^...thanx..i kinda feel better..weird though..all you do is yell and stick that stinkin reality in my face

?: better than day dreaming..you just like to run away to your own lil neverland..where everything is exactly how you wish it would be and it annoys me when you start believing it..

Nella: well, that's called hope! i just hope it turns out how i imagined

?: raaaaaight..and it never goes the way you imagined..it doesn't work princess!

Nella: lol..are you the part of me who believes in reality? hahaha..no wonder you're just so mean..

and it goes on and on..until i get interfered...she's the only one i trust completely..she knows me like no one else and i guess she's not leaving coz there is no where else to go..
i'm starting to believe that everyone who gets to know me, leave me..
is it me? am i too complicated? maybe cause i don't know how to deal with ppl? i don't know..

experience #2:
i had a big fight with a person i hold so dear..well, we fight usually and it seems like it wasn't going anywhere..i wouldn't say there was no understanding, ummm..there was..a little

but it was for the best to let it off i guess..
i was getting closer and it might've made it harder..you know..more memories to try and forget?
it wasn't me who closed the door though..

oh well, move one Nella..you've been through tougher times and you're handling yourself very well up till now..i can't believe i just said that! i'm actually learning that it's not impossible to move on! lol

I'm holding up strong till now..pretending to be strong is more like whats going on..but that's how we move on right? bottling it up and putting that fake smile on..

ok..this got me a bit upset XD
..and it's long enough..I'm not gonna talk about experience #3
ugh..it's stupid like the two above anyways..

laters...

So Simple..

or When I first heard stacie Orrico's song : "so simple" I was like : OH! That's like..that's like ME!!
or how i wanna be..i'm not really sure lol

I just live this song! ^_^
nothing more to say really..
Here’s the video and the lyrics..
It just speaks of me

Video:



Lyrics:

(It could all be so simple, simple)
Don't need high heels
For a good feel


You can keep the fancy clothes
I'll take walkin in the rain
Over things material
I'll trade Melrose and the big names
Give me faces that I know
Just play a melody that everybody knows


Take it down, down, down
And strip it to the core
I don't really need much less is more, more, more

CHORUS:
True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)


Give me wisdom, plain and truthful
Teach me somethin I don't know
Plain as education, inspiration I suppose (yeah yeah)
Give me family, on a Sunday
And I'll be just fine
There's nothing in the world
That's worth more of my time


Take it down, down, down
And strip it to the core
I don't really need much less is more, more, more


CHORUS:
True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)


True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)


Livin my dream,
is my song to the world (let 'em hear it)
Sharin' my soul and spirit
I'm hopin that you hear it
Got one (one) life (life) to live (live)
It's only what you make it (make it)

Currently

these are the things im currently doing :P

Watching:
Tsubasa Chronicle

Syaoran, a boy who wants to become an archeologist, and Sakura, a princess from the Clow Kingdom, are childhood friends with a close relationship. On a fateful night, Sakura lost all her memories as a result of a conspiracy to obtain her powers. In order to regain her memory, Syaoran seeks help from the witch, Yuuko. Yuuko tells Syaoran that he has to travel from one alternate reality to another to collect fragments of Sakura's memory. However, even if Sakura regains her memory, she will have no recollection of Syaoran. Travelling together with them is Kurogane, a warrior who was exiled from his country, and Fye, a magician who wants to escape from his King. With the help of a magical creature, Mokona, they set off on an exciting journey through time and space.

it's pretty nice..up till now I'm enjoying it ^_^ episode 12!


Listening To:


Daughtry

Christopher Adam "Chris" Daughtry (born December 26, 1979) is an American rock singer-songwriter and guitarist who is the lead vocalist of Daughtry, a popular rock band formed by him in 2006. He is perhaps best known as the fourth-place finalist on the highly publicized fifth season of American Idol, eliminated from the competition on May 10, 2006. After his departure from Idol, his band's self-titled debut album sold more than 1 million copies after just 5 weeks of release, becoming the fastest-selling debut rock album in Soundscan history^[1], and so far outselling his fellow season 5 contestants' (6th place Kellie Pickler, runner-up Katharine McPhee and the season winner Taylor Hicks) debut albums. In its ninth week of release, the album reached number 1 on the Billboard charts, edging out the Dreamgirls soundtrack. He is currently the best-selling Idol contestant who was neither the winner or runner-up of their season.

it's so worth checking you guys! I'm so into the 2 songs i downloaded so far! I'm downloading the album right now..I'll come back to this when i listen to all the tracks inshallah ^_^

here's a video:



Drinking:

Lipton Ice tea Peach!

i'm getting hooked on this..it's just refreshing and awesome! ^_^ i've been drinking 4 cans of this everyday for awhile now



Playing:

Kingdom Hearts II

s an action role-playing game developed by Square Enix Co., Ltd., partly published by Buena Vista Games, and directed by Tetsuya Nomura. Kingdom Hearts II was first released in 2005 in Japan for the Sony PlayStation 2 video game console. After one month of availability, it sold one million copies in North America and was the second best selling game of 2006.^[1]

Kingdom Hearts II is the follow-up to the 2002 PlayStation 2's Disney Interactive/Squaresoft RPG Kingdom Hearts, and its 2004 Game Boy Advance sequel, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories. The story centers around a group of heroes searching for lost friends and trying to decipher and defeat the mysterious Organization XIII, along with a large cast of characters from both Disney and Square Enix properties.

this game is one of the coolest! i really like the fighting style..the story..and just the whole thing! ^_^ many Disney memories..oh btw! i highly recommend all the gamers out there to play this..i know im a bit late..and most if not all are done with this XD ..it just took me some time to get it..

and i'm almost done! :D


Studying:

absolutely nothing :P

weak..

once..

i was laughing with my sisters and mom was looking at me with that motherly smile

later on when she came to kiss me b4 going to sleep..she laid next to me touched my nose with her fingers and said : you have the most beautiful nose i ever saw you know? ..i of course blushed..don't get the impression my nose is perfect XD it isn't! ..mom was just being..mom! hehe

but then she had this more serious worried look on her face and said: why do you try so hard to look so tough? you're not..you're way too fragile then how you pretend to be..

i gotta tell you it felt as i've been stabbed..not that it hurt for her to tell me..but it hurts for someone to see through me this clearly when i was trying my best to hide it..

i just burst out crying..she hugged me and calmed me down..kissed me and ended up sleeping next to me.. well, it's not like i wanna share this painful moment with you or anything..im just..well,


lately..i'm feeling so weak..i just wanna stand in that strong wind outside and hope i get torn to tiny little pieces and vanish..
im collapsing and feeling really weak..

and mom is not here to calm me down and hug me..

mom? i need you....

How to Order a Contract Killing

How to Order a Contract Killing

Assassinations are the most practical solutions to common problems. Thanks to the Internet, ordering a hit has never been easier. We manage a network of freelance assassins, available to kill at a moment's notice. All you have to do is send us an email, along with the details, and wait for further instructions. All the correspondence is done through our secure online forms. We use military grade encryption technology, which ensures complete privacy. You only have to tell us "Who", "Where", and "When"; we already know "What" and don't care about the "Why".

Our basic contracts start at $50,000 per head (plus expenses). The basic package consists of a cut and clean kill, which is accomplished either by means of firing two rounds of ammunition into the back of the head, or by firing a bullet from a distance through a high-powered sniper rifle. In either case the hit accomplishes the same results: the mark is dead, and someone will be wondering who killed him.

Ordering a Contract Killing in Five Easy Steps:

1 -- First you send us an encrypted email through our secure contact form. Just tell us "Who", "Where", and "When"; we already know "What" and don't care about the "Why". Don't give us too many details at this point; just stick to the basics.

2 -- If we accept your offer, you will receive a set of instructions telling you how to send a $25,000 deposit. Follow our instructions and send your deposit EXACTLY as instructed. Then you wait for another set of instructions.

3 -- Once we receive your deposit we will send you another set of instructions. This is when you get to tell us more about your mark. Give us as much relevant information as possible and tell us how you would like him/her to die. Be sure to include only the relevant information. We don't want to know about how you feel or what you had for breakfast. Save all that for your shrink. Then you wait for further instructions.

4 -- We will contact you back with a final quote. If you accept you will have to send us a balance that will bring your deposit up to 50% of the final cost. Once you send this deposit balance you only have to wait for one final set of instructions.

5 -- Once we fulfill our contract we will send you another set of instructions telling you how to settle your outstanding balance. You will have 72 hours from the "time of death" to pay us what you owe. You are well advised to make your final payment your top priority.

Gift Certificates:

If you know someone who wants to have someone killed you can purchase a gift certificate, starting at $25,000. We will send you a 16-digit activation code that will have to be used to activate the gift certificate in the future. Gift certificates are valid for up to one year.