Crumbling on the inside,

They were on their way to Al-khuwair to pick up their younger sister from her private tutoring lesson when Noor suddenly said:
"You know, for someone who's been holding onto something for so long, you're pretty quick to let it go."

It's a habit of hers that Reem have always hated. blurting things out of the blue like that, and then sitting silently like she didn't just threw a bomb at her defenseless sister..
Reem turned and looked at her sister in disbelief at first, but then faced forward again, bottling up her annoyance with all her might, and determined to give her sister a dose of her own medicine.
she sat silently as well, pretending not to have heard what Noor has just falsely accused her of.

Blood was boiling inside her head, and her heart picked up pace. "let go? is she serious? I'm falling to pieces here! why does she think I stay up all night? That I get amazingly uncomfortable when she talks about her fiancé? or do I have to whine and bawl my eyes out in front of the whole world for her to recognize that my heart has been irreversibly broken?"

Her train of thoughts went on that track throughout the ride. When they finally reached their destination, Noor parked the car, and then turned her whole body to face her sister. she looked at her expectantly,
"well? what do you have to say?"

"say to what?" Reem coldly replied.



"to what I just said?!" she impatiently demanded.



"what did you just say?".



"Reem!! com'on! what I just said about you taking it kitha.. easy. the way you are."


"oh..well, I'm not actually."


"really? you seem very...umm..very.. together to me." 

"well, I'm not 'together'."



Noor was now staring at her younger sister who was fiddling with her iTouch, pretending to be reading something, in hopes of a quick change of subject.



"that's not healthy." Noor suddenly declared in the most Dr.Phil-ish tone.



"what isn't healthy?" Reem looked at her, trying not to let frustration get the best of her.



"bottling it up like that. why do you always pretend you're stronger than you really are? I've seen how attached you were. That kind of attachment is impossible to get over in just a matter of a few weeks. impossible to get over at all if you ask me."

failing to contain herself any longer, Reem cried: "what makes you think I'm over it?!! what makes you think I've let go? why do you think you have the right to analyze me like that? just because I don't crawl into mother's bed every night anymore, begging her to help me lift this heavy pain off my chest and help me breathe through my sobbing, does NOT make me over it! and it definitely does NOT make anything any better!"
Her eyes welled-up with tears as she struggled to breathe before continuing in a broken voice "you don't know what I've been through...you can never know what I'm still going through.."

She broke down. 

Noor stared at her broken sister, filled with guilt and shame. she didn't know that bringing up the subject could unleash all of this bottled up grief.

" I'm sorry..I never knew it was this bad.."
her shaking voice pierced through Reem, who sat quietly for what seemed like an eternity; staring at her lap; whilst tears dropped rhythmically one after the other on her trembling hands.

"it's not fair.." she finally whispered.

Noor reached out and pressed on her sister's hand. "I know..I know it isn't. how is he handling it?"

" I have no idea. He seems fine."

"are you still in contact?"

"no..but I secretly get doses of him, and he seems to be doing just fine. I sometimes wish he wasn't. and it makes me feel horrible for wishing him something evil."

she smiled. "how do you know he's really fine?"

Lifting her head up, she wiped her tears away before cracking a joke that was both painful and funny. Noor laughed warmly and then went on asking questions, cautiously trying not to mention anything that would make her sister burst into tears again.

Reem went on talking for a whole hour, happily reminiscing at some points, and choking up on her tears at others. but regardless of how painful it was, It made her feel better somehow. Noor was right. It wasn't healthy to grieve the way Reem was. She needed to let it all out. the only problem was that her grief seemed to be a bottomless pit. no matter how many tears she shed, there was always more. no matter how many things occupied her mind, there was always a small opening for this mourning to creep through.

They were all silent on the drive back home, right until they stopped at the traffic lights in Madinat Qaboos; when Noor suddenly decided she's do that hit-and-run thing Reem always hated again by quoting their aunt with a devious smile:
"الحب مرادف منطقي للجنون ؛ وحده هذا الجنون الجدير بالعيش حد الإدمان"

This time however, Reem only smiled and gave a little nod in agreement.