10 Years Days Ago

Disclaimer: I'm not posting this entry for a certain person to read, nor am I seeking people's sympathy. It's an attempt (probably a failed one at that) to document a certain period of my life. One that i can always look back to whenever life decides to give me attitude, as a reminder that I've been through worse.

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I was disappointed when i woke up that afternoon. My prayers were clearly not answered as i was still alive.
I slipped my hand under my pillow and pulled my phone from underneath it. I waited for my eyes to adjust to the bright screen as it read:
4:11 pm
13/9/2009

No messages..

"It wasn't a dream.." I bitterly thought.

I was still feeling the same way I felt when I went to sleep that morning..ripped apart..
My chest felt so heavy I could hardly breathe..My body too weak to roll over and my throat extremely dry.

15 minutes later I managed to gather the little strength i had left, and made my way to the bathroom.

Standing in front of the mirror, I saw the reflection of an expressionless tired face with swollen eyes. The minute I looked at it's mournful eyes, the same feelings of last night rushed through me. The despair, the helplessness, the grief..
I suddenly felt like someone has pulled the ground from underneath me. It all happened so fast I had no time to hang onto anything that would help ease the fall.

I fell to the floor and started to sob as hard as i did before going to sleep. the pain was too much to bear. I tried to breathe, but the more air i took in the more painful it felt.
I was sobbing so hard there were times when I was completely out of breath my body had to resort to yawning. I yawned a few times throughout my sobbing as a desperate attempt to stay conscious.

I then tried to strip out of my clothes as fast as my weak body would allow me, and literally crawled to the shower. the minute the water hit my skin I started to feel better. the frequency of tears running down my face decreased, and the sobbing fainted into silent tears with occasional gasps.

Half an hour later, I was still sitting under the shower when I heard faint knocks on the door. I asked who it was, and the maid answered telling me that my mother was expecting me downstairs.
The thought of my mother made me suddenly stop crying. I got up, washed my face and slipped on my Jalabyia. not realizing at the time that i was dripping wet and that the Jalabyia was inside out.

As I was holding the bathroom door handle open, I remembered I had to pray first.

I was relieved not to find anyone in the room. I closed the door behind me and proceeded to pray. I wrapped myself in a Leeso (big traditional Omani scarf thingie), and laid down my sijaada (praying rug).
As soon as my feet touched the soft blue wool of the rug, a sense of overwhelming peace came over me. encouraged by it, I took a deep breath and started to pray. The longer I spent on the rug, the better I felt. I didn't realize i was sitting there for 40 minutes until my sister walked in the room wondering where I've been all this time. I forced a smile on and asked her about my mother's whereabouts. She told me that she's probably reading Qura'an in my grandmother's room downstairs.

The thoughts running through my head made walking down the stairs an unbelievably difficult chore. I wished I could run upstairs and lock myself back in the bathroom and never leave.

I stood in front of my grandmother's room for a minute, wondering whether i should tell her or not. I then decided to go in and not think about whats going to happen next, and gently held the handle of my grandmother's room open.

She looked at me from the corner of her eye for a couple of seconds before laying them back again on the shiny beige-colored pages of the holy book opened before her. I stood still at the entrance of the room as I impatiently waited for her to finish. The minute she was done I involuntarily threw myself in her arms.. holding on to her tightly..

she was surprised by my very unexpected dive at first, but then started to gently stroke my hair as she asked teasingly (like she always does when I hug her):

"aish il munasaba?" (what's the occasion?)

"mashai..I just miss you" (mashai: nothing)

I closed my eyes and thought of how much I missed her scent.
she kept on stroking my hair and back for a minute before asking,

"9allaiti?" (did you pray?)

"am.." I whispered.

"Nella?"

I paused for a few seconds, trying to suck in the tears that were quickly forming in my eyes, and shakingly whispered "am..?" (es..?). as yet another failed attempt of saying "na3am?" (yes?)

"aish feeh il qamar?" (what's wrong?)

"nothing..really. i just miss you."

She knew I was lying and I knew she didn't believe me. but she didn't insist.

She continued to stroke my hair for a couple of minutes before finally breaking the silence: "inzain taw bay2athen il ma'3reb 7abeebti. roo7i shoofi 5awatish wain 3ashan tenezlo tfe6ro. Allah yer'6a 3alaish." (go find your sisters, Maghrib (sunset) Athan is gonna be called out any minute now)

I took a final long whiff before I reluctantly let go of her. "inshallah" (okay)

قالها قيس

لقد ثبتتْ في القلبِ منك محبةٌ كما تثبتت في الراحتين الأصابعُ

ليس عدلاً

أحاول البوح فلا أستطيع. أقول كلاماً كثيراً بلا معنى - كما افعل معك دائماً.
لاافهم كلامك في معظم الأحيان و تتهمني أنت باللامبالاة..

الرحلة

بدأ طلال الرحلة القصيرة، يرافقه رجلٌ مسن وزوجته، لا يعرفهما. وما هي إلا لحظات حتى انضمّت إليهم سلمى، يرافقها طفل جميل مشاغب في عمر السنتين. كانت دهشة طلال كبيرة . فها هي سلمى أمامه بعد أن انقطعت اخبارها لثلاث سنوات. تمنّى ان ترفع رأسها فتراه، وتقول له أي شيء. فما تعود ان يرد لها طلباً، ولكنها منذ أن انضمت إليهم في الرحلة وهي تضع رأسها في الأرض، تراقب طفلها

قام طلال ببعض الحركات، وتنحنح أكثر من مرة لتنتبه إليه، ولكنها لم ترفع رأسها للحظة، فقرر أن يسألها ويعاتبها فور توقف الرحلة، ويبتعد عنه الرجل المسن وزوجته

لا شك في أنه سيجد مساحة للوقت والمكان ليسألها عن سبب الغياب

ومع تزايد وتسارع ضربات قلبه وارتباكه، وقف المصعد

خرج الطفل مسرعاً

صرخت عليه أمه: طلال حبيبي توقف

فتوقف طلال في مكانه في المصعد دون حركة

فما تعود أن يرد لها طلباً

كريم معتوق

Tagged!

by the fabulous, the magnificent, the one and only: Diablo!

- List down 5 things people probably didn't know about you.

ok, here goes:

1. I'm emotionally retarded.
2. when i was a kid, i broke one of my front teeth while playing football.
3. when i was in fourth grade, I had a completely random episode of amnesia that lasted for several hours.
4. I look a lot like my grandmother, who looks a lot like her grandmother..and there is a good chance one of my granddaughters is gonna look a lot like me.
5. I blow bubbles as a form of meditation.

Worn out

So I thought I’d slip in a lame update about what has been recently going on in my life.
I still can’t believe that we just started our mid-terms. we only have 2 weeks left before Eid holiday, which will leave us with just one week before finals.

Uh, who cares anyway? My underachieving self is not bothered..never will be.

ok that’s a lie. I haven’t been this anxious in my entire life! I never knew I could get this apprehensive! I just discovered a side of me that I’m seriously thinking of shooting..right between the eyes! There is always something stupid that keeps me up at night.. and even the couple of hours of sleep I get are not peaceful. I keep dreaming of missing deadlines, screwing up assignments, embarrassing myself in front of a class full of teenage girls. And if it’s not a very bad dream, I’d dream that I’ve overslept and missed an important exam, just to wake up and find that I’ve woken up way before the alarm has gone off.

I don’t know why am I panicking like this.. I’m usually never bothered. And it’s not like I’m doing badly in my studies, on the contrary; My grades are pretty good (if not excellent), and my past two evaluations weren’t bad at all. So what am I so freaked out about?

The stress is affecting me physically too, I’ve been sick for almost a month now. I keep relapsing.. it’s so bad that my mother is demanding at least one SMS per day..just to make sure I’m well enough to type.
I come online in my not-so-free time, just to satisfy my procrastination, and keep my mind off of things..or at least try to.
I can’t wait for November to end! I wanna go back home, and get some of my strength back for finals.

I’ve been sleep deprived for the past couple of months it’s just..so..very..tiring..

Ever since I was a kid, when I’m in desperate need of some peace, I usually get one my mother’s recently worn (lesos) scarves, and bury my face in it. her sweet comforting smell on it literally makes every muscle on my body relax, and an overwhelming sensation of peace overcomes me..a reassuring feeling that everything is going to be alright, and all I have to do is just close my eyes..
and I sleep..The wheels in my brain finally stop. no nightmares..no dreams..just a black void of peace.

I wish I had one right now.

Baby Alien (tu-free 4)

everybody, i made a new friend! (literally). his name is tu-free 4.

Nella the Photographer

i took those back in Summer in Qurum Natural Park. the weather was expectionally nice, so we decided to go somewhere..
i had a lot of fun that day. got soaked in fountain water, had delicious ice cream..and popcorn from a brown paper bag (is it me? or does popcorn taste much better when it's in a paper bag?)

a perfect summer day with my family.. i miss them.. =(

a vein-bursting question

Alone, where a a king sized bed once stood, laid a king sized mattress. "Very comfortable." I thought, as I positioned myself on the mattress, facing the wall. The mattress covered in soft clean white sheets; looked new and hardly ever used.

The door of the semi-deserted room swung open, and entered my cousin, who's holding a diet coke can in one hand, and a glass full of ice in the other "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I found this IPod station stuck between the wall and the mattress."

"Well, that's an odd storing place."

"It's not a storing place..it probably doesn't work."

"Well, I have my IPod, and you can plug it in right there..lets see if it was stored, or if it lost it's way to the bin and somehow ended up between a wall and a mattress in a room almost never used."

"Ok, Let's see.." I plugged it in, placed the IPod and it worked!

"What do you know.. It works!"

"That really is an odd place to store an IPod station.."

"Yeah..haha" I turned around, and asked "So? Who's the can and who's the glass?"

"Excuse me? I'm not sharing."

"Come on.."

Fine..You're the can."

So.. a comfortable mattress, music in the background, and coke. What else is missing?
Conversation! We went on talking about school, university applications, driving license, weddings, etc..etc..Until we came to the question that is the highlight -­or at least supposed to be the highlight- of this entry.

"So Nella? What's the best thing that's ever happened to you?"

I answered without putting much thought into it. It doesn't need much thought anyway, I already knew what's the best thing that has ever happened to me. "my mom."

She looked like she heard an answer to a totally different question; her facial expression was a mixture of shock and suspicion.
I was waiting for her to blurt out a "what?" but instead, she blurted out something I wasn't expecting at all.. a "why?"

Now I wasn't sure if I should feel offended by that question, `cause lets be honest here..It does seem a little offending if someone asked you why you consider your mother the best thing that has ever happened to you, specially if said with that tone.

Well I dunno, skipping the 9 months of pregnancy, the several hours of excruciating labor, the 2 years of some serious breast feeding, and all the things almost all mothers go through.
Maybe because she makes the best Bechamel? (Speaking of Bechamel, I noticed that everyone I know whose mother cooks bechamel says their mother's is the best. personally, I've had many mom-made bechamels throughout the years, and they were all good; they all had a special flavor. I guess it's that special flavor we consider the best, the nostalgic familiar flavor of home)

Maybe because she is the smartest woman I've ever known? The reasons are endless, and obviously biased!
The harder I tried to put them all in an answer -­an answer I felt was good enough to justify why I think she's the best thing that has ever happened to me- the faster they slipped away. I was boiling inside, not only because of my inability to properly answer the damn question, but because of the damn question itself. "why?"

For a moment there, a semi-bald, short, fat Italian guy in his mid-forties, appeared in my head and furiously asked "what the **** is wrong with my Ma Huh? FIGLIO DI MIGNOTTA! VAFFANCULO! CAFONE!" (Translation: You son of a *****! go **** yourself! ***hole!)

Anyhow, this whole thing makes me think, is it because we take mothers for granted that it seems weird to think of them as the best thing that has ever happened to us? "You know..Mothers are supposed to be there for us, they don't happen!" Or is it because of how she sees her own mother?

Well, to cut it short, being the easily led to self-doubt person I am, I started wondering, Does it have to be something else? I tried rephrasing that question in my head so many times, I tried looking at it from different angles, but I kept getting the same answer; My mother.

Finally, I answered. "Well, because, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me!" I couldn't have answered any other way. And to avoid any other vein-bursting questions, I fired back the same question "what's the best thing that has ever happened to you?"

But before she could answer, the door opened and a voice called "Nella? Yallah 7abeebi, We're going home.. it's late."
I was a little disappointed I didn't get the chance to give her a taste of her own medicine, but I had to go, the best thing that has ever happened to me was waiting for me by the door. And as soon as I saw her smiling face, I thought: maybe it's because she just stopped me from offending someone who probably didn't even mean to offend me? Well, I guess it's safe to say that, my mother was the best thing that happened to my cousin that night.

Nella Says: Frogs are perverted? *

How do you miss a voice you’ve never heard before? A face you’ve never seen before? Or a conversation you never really had? Even though it feels like you have at least a million times.
You know, nothing gets my thoughts going better than being cut off from everyone.. (Well, almost..)
Loneliness and anxiety is what I call enemies with benefits. Along the many visits they seem to be frequently making lately..I noticed my brain activity increase. with all these thoughts, and ideas running in my head. I’ve also noticed that I use my brain much more when I’m in a desperate need for ‘vitamin P’.
Wait.. Does that mean that when I’m deliriously happy, my I.Q drops? Hmm.. ’cause if it does, it explains a lot!

It’s probably because I become so emotionally worn out to the point that my heart announces it’s time he takes a vacation from all the crap I keep getting him into. Leaving all the work to my brain for a few days.. (or weeks, depends) which isn’t bad at all really. I actually like the only-brains Nella better to be honest.

Oh yeah..Almost forgot!
Ramadhan Kareem everyone! =D

Not that anyone reads this blog anymore, But I just can’t give up on this place..Not yet anyway.
A few years ago, I came to realize that I love talking to myself..guess it’s ‘cause I’m a very good listener (funny I said that..My family still believes that I’m not much a daydreamer as much as I’m partly deaf. they even had me go through an ear surgery back when I was a kid, just to make sure I’m not really partly deaf, which was obviously unsuccessful?) Besides, who understands you better than yourself? I usually turn to myself when the road gets a little bumpy.. and writing instead of talking to myself out loud (even though I do that sometimes too) seems like the more sane way of holding a somehow interesting (or maybe not) conversation between me, myself and I.

Anyhow, speaking of Ramadhan, This is probably the first Ramadhan I felt very very unready for. It came so suddenly this year..like the year skipped a few months thinking it’s time we have Ramadhan visit us again. a holy visit I’ve always looked forward to, with the exception of this one time. Because for the first time in my life; I’m spending it all alone. I really wish no one welcomes Ramadhan alone. specially if you don’t know how to warp a samboosa (even though you’ve genuinely tried at least a thousand times throughout the years, till you’ve ruined half of the wraps and your mom decides it’s time you stir the soup instead) It’s not a nice feeling, but if you ever had to..Well, you’ll live.

It comes fast and leaves just as fast. I can’t believe we’re moving on to Day 13 in a another umm..16 hours? Now I know it’s a little early to talk about this, but, doesn’t it feel weird when you wake up on Eid.. and someone downstairs calls you for breakfast? The Idea of having breakfast seems so strange! (but you get over it real quick once you have a glass of water). I think I’ve said it every Eid so far haha “Hey! Guess what! We can drink water! In the MORNING!” One of the many stupid things I refuse to stop saying (or doing) on Eid. Stupid things I can now proudly announce are officially on the ‘are you worthy of becoming an Eid Ritual?’ waiting list, In hope of becoming the new nice little Eid ritual. Alongside Oud, Insomnia, stealing Chocolate (even though we can just go and get some from the living room now, but it’s not as fun as getting it from the men’s side..mission impossible style lol) and the ‘lets-go-check out- the-guys-from-the-second-floor’s-window-as-they-bring-out-the-Shuwa’ gaze haha!

At any rate, I’ve talked about Eid a million times in here..and as tempting as it is for me to give the famous “Nella’s Eid Speech” ( I’m already half way through it anyway..i think) it would be unfair of me to make you go through the damn thing every single Eid.. I’m not that mean. =)

moving on..

A few days ago, I was fortunate -or perhaps unfortunate- to find out (to my utter astonishment) that some people are stupid enough to not realize that actions have consequences. It’s beyond their comprehension to understand That you can’t clip a bird’s wings, lock it up in a cage all it’s life, and then one day, decide to open the window for it, assuming it’ll fly like any other bird who’s been soaring the skies for years.
Likewise, You can’t raise a child unexposed to life, inexperienced, and completely dependent on you. Clipping his wings by constantly telling him he’s a good for nothing nobody, and then one day, take off the leash, and expect him to lead a normal independent successful life, like the rest of the normal folks out there. For god’s sake! Even the lucky ones (who’ll somehow manage to come out of this with a little bit of confidence intact) won’t lead a normal life.. at least not immediately!

And I know this has nothing to do with anything, but I hate infatuation... (I like the sound of the word though) I hate it’s guts! Not only do I immerse myself into the person I’m infatuated with.. But I somehow start to sound like them..Be interested in what they’re interested in, etc, etc.. (Unconsciously of course). And it freaks -the hell- outta me! Every time! I often find myself wondering: “Am I going to suffer from this syndrome for the rest of my life?”
They should have pills for infatuation! It’s dangerous! Some people lose their identities! And I can’t really imagine something worse than losing the person you are and becoming a not very well copied copy of somebody else. (note: a little exaggeration might've occured in this paragraph)

Not like it’s incurable or anything..I mean, I survived them all. I eventually get myself out of it, but by then it would’ve consumed me to the point that I can’t return to the Nella I was before.

It’s Evil! It’s evil with a little tiny halo floating somewhere above it’s head. Because when you become so infatuated with someone, so infatuated to the point that you start to sound like them, look at things through their eyes, and share their views and interests.. You learn new things. It comes with the territory I guess. You submerge into this person, and their interests become your new interests, and you learn..

If he is into cars, you become a car expert. If he is into books, you become a bookworm (major bookworm f you were already a bookworm, like myself). If he is into Movies, you become a movie fanatic. And if he is into Nail Polish and all things pretty….well, you move on faster than you thought you would.

I’m not sure if it’s to impress them, or if it’s psychological.. But I know that every time I’m infatuated, i hear a voice in my head saying: oh girl, you’re in deep shit!

And one more thing, I don’t think that recalling silly jokes or hilarious incidents, or even looking through your memory archive for that tape you had recorded of your sister falling on her bum in public and playing it in slow motion is sad! If it makes you laugh just as much as you laughed before, then you go ahead and reminisce! Even if you happen to be in a waiting hall full of people, and suddenly start laughing hysterically. Note: from personal experience, once you realize you’re actually laughing like an idiot in front of all these people..You’ll most probably find yourself unable to stop laughing (which is also good to recall and crack up on in some other waiting hall haha..I hate waiting halls/rooms. Specially when you don’t have anyone to kill time with, and they’re no decent magazines to read.)

Out of Nella’s Book of “Kitchen Adventures/Disasters”

My parents and my older sister had to go away for a day while I was home ‘super-vacationing’. and being the second person in charge (and the superb Chef I am).. I took the liberty of making dinner.. and came up with a “white sauce and cheese pasta with a pinch of turmeric” recipe. But after everyone (including my grandma, who qualifies as the pickiest person alive) had (with the help of divine powers) ate, I had to change the name of the recipe to “turmeric with a pinch of white sauce and cheese pasta”.

You see, I accidentally poured half of the turmeric jar into the white sauce. You can imagine how yellow and turmeric-y it became. I honestly believe that I made the yellowiest, turmeric-iest dish in culinary history. Thank god my parents came back with a lot of Pizza leftover that night.. (I also think that was with the help of divine powers)

Word of the week.. “Viet-fuckin’-nam!”

Guess this entry makes up for the almost 3 months long time in which I didn’t blog, lol!
Is it obvious (from the length) that I miss blogging? ‘Cause if it isn’t..I really do miss blogging. =)

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* I recently heard an Omani joke about a perverted frog. I would’ve told you the joke, but it’s really really nasty. Well, the joke is basically about a smartass frog who wants the lion to bring him bitches lol (the longer ‘Omani’ version is a lot funnier I promise you).
Anyhow, I found myself thinking about the fairytale frogs, and when you think about it, frogs really are perverted. From the frog who was drooling all over Thumbelina, to the ‘prince’ frog who had to be kissed to transform. Kissed? Seriously..

A True Story - Part 3

i'd like to apologize for the inexcusable delay..most of you have probably given up on me, and i wouldn't blame you. not only was i very busy, but i was also impeded by my uncertainty of how to end this. being the last part of my very first story.. i sure took my sweet time.

1994 April 5th

it's the Birthday of her Brother's daughters. Lubna had just turned four, and Arwa was already three. Omar decided to hold the Birthday Party at Hardee's. it was the trend to have birthday parties at Fast food restaurants back then.

Layla was getting her girls ready for the Party. she was helping Reem put on her new white dress with the purple floral prints. Reem wasn't sure she wants to go..
"Mama, do i have to? i don't like parties.."
"Yes honey you have to. you'll have lots of fun, they have games, loads of Burgers, and two huge birthday cakes!"
"but i've been feeling sick all day..i don't feel like eating anything.."
"yeah right! once you smell the food, you'll be the first to eat!" Noor said as she was putting on her new pants.
"no i won't!" shouted Reem ..she turned to her mother with a worried look. "Mama? you're coming too, right?"
"yes honey, of course i am." she planted a gentle kiss on her daughter's nose. smiling in relief, Reem went to check her hair in the mirror.
she was now trying to tie her hair up in a pony tail. ever since Noor had managed to tie her hair all on her own, she's been trying really hard to do the same. Layla smiled as she watched her try over and over again.
"you'll never get it right, your hands are too short" Noor was doing a perfect job making Reem think her hands are shorter than they already are.
"Noor! would you do us the honor and zip it?" Layla said angrily
..come here sweetie, you need to look your best today, i'll tie your hair today, and we can both sit and practice tomorrow, alright?"
"..alright." Reem smiled, her arms were getting sore from holding them up anyway.
as the girls were running down the stairs she checked her watch "we're going to be late, where is that little Devil? Dana!!"
a shout came from downstairs. "yeaaaas?"
"come up here this second!" Layla shouted back.
Dana was mumbling and laughing with her sisters as she was running up the stairs, when she saw her mother's frowning face, she froze.
"i'm.. i'm sorry! the show was about to end i swear, but then they had commercials on and.."
"okay okay, come!" Layla sighed in impatience.
Dana ran to the room and saw a dress on her bed. she turned to her mother in disbelief. "but mama! i can't wear a dress! Abduallah is coming to the party. he's gonna laugh at me if he saw me in a dress!"
"but we don't have anything else ready."
"okay then, i'm not going.."
"what? get into that dress right now!"
Dana was on the verge of crying when her mother let out a sigh. "if i'm going to go crazy, it's all your fault.. okay, grab the new blue trousers and the shirt that goes along with them."
"thank you!" she jumped on her mother. "it's in the lower drawer. hurry up now, or i'm going to change my mind."

"oh well, looks like we're going to arrive late again..just when i thought today was going to be the day." Layla thought.

2 hours later

Layla was sitting at one of the tables, having a laugh with her sister-in-law when Fatma walked in with her little girls all holding on to her Abaya..
"Abla! (teacher)" she yelled to Fatma. "you look tired!"
"of course i'm gonna be tired! i'm pregnant again!"
she said as she was looking at Omar's wife "wallah if it wasn't for Muna i wouldn't have attended."
Muna said through her famous chuckle "thank you! we don't have parties like this all the time you know. your girls are going to have so much fun with the kids! i knew it was a good idea to have Omar hold the party here.
Bragging about almost every little thing she has, was something Muna has always found complete joy in.

Fatma was now reciting a funny incident that happened to her at school. Layla has already heard this one on the phone before, so she turned to check on the kids. Dana and Abduallah were standing on one of the tables and trying to reach a big blue balloon that was stuck to the ceiling. "Dana! get down this second!" Dana jumped up in startle. Abduallah jumped off the table and ran to the other side of the hall. Layla was fuming as she was getting her daughter down. "if i saw you doing anything like that again, i'll take you home right away!"
Dana seemed like she wasn't even listening. "mama, you're tall enough. if you got on this chair you'll be able to reach it."
"that's it! i'm taking you home right now!"
"no no! i don't want the balloon anymore. really!"

as she was returning to her seat, her eyes met a familiar face. a short Colombian Lady walked into the Hall. she was in her mid forties. blonde short hair, a little chubby. she was holding the hand of a little two year old girl in a pink dress who looked just like her mother.

she never knew what is it he saw in her, he stayed unmarried for so long, and then came back home one day married to this old average looking hag.
Muna called the lady to come sit with them. Layla forced a smile as she greeted her. "Hello..yes i'm fine, thank you."
talking to her has always made Layla feel uncomfortable. to avoid the conversation, she took Rana in her arms and went to sit in the table next to them.
she cradled Rana's face in her hands, and looked at her with adoration. for some reason, knowing she was his daughter, she adored the girl to bits. Rana was now trying to pull off the beads on her dress. "no no, cariño."


2006 - August.

It was past midnight. Layla was driving back home from her parents. "Mama? can we have Rana sleep over at our place? she said she wants to tag along with Ruqaya next weekend." Dana said.

"i don't think it's a good idea honey."
"Why?"
"your father doesn't like her father. i'm not sure he's going to be comfortable having his daughter at our place."
Reem who was 20 years old by then said: " i just saw her father two weeks ago. he's handsome! how old is he, mama?"
"a couple of years older than i am i guess."
"really? so he's about the same age as dad, he looks so much younger! i heard he's the head of this huge company. i wish i could find a man like him" Reem sighed.
Layla smiled as she took the turn to the left.

ever since Yahya found out that Layla and Ahmed once had feelings for each other, he started avoiding Ahmed and told her not to have anything to do with his family. how did he found out she never knew, but she never confirmed his doubts.
she agreed to whatever it is he said regarding Ahmed. there is no point arguing about something that had died more than 20 years ago, she thought.

"why doesn't he like him mama?" Dana asked.
"you know your father 3ad Dana.."
"but what are we going to tell her next week?"
"how about you all sleep over at your uncle's instead?"
"But!"
Layla gave Dana 'the look' over the rear-view mirror.
"fine.." Dana sighed. her brows met in anger and confusion.
" if you keep doing that you're forehead is going to be covered with wrinkles by the time you're 20." Layla said jokingly. everyone chuckled except for Dana, who's got more upset her brows got even closer.

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open ending! =D
lol, not really..i know that open endings are almost always unsatisfying. but this is a true story, and so far, it's pending.
disappointed? my apologies.
and who knows what the future holds? :p if there was any developments in the future, i'd be more than glad to share.

note: all names mentioned in this story are fictitious.

A True Story - Part 2

1983 - First of May

"Ahmed! when did you get back man?" Yahya greeted his best friend with a big smile and a hug.
"a couple of days ago. i heard about your father..i'm really sorry. how is he?"
"thanks, he's doing a lot better now."
"Alhamdillah..guess i've been away for quite some time."
"2 years is sure a long time..so you're back for good, huh?"
"yeah! ..i've had enough of the UK. five loooong years..i'm definitely done. what about you? how's work?"
"going great. i just got promoted. about time if you ask me. i've been working there for over 12 freakin' years!"
"haha, congratulations! you deserve it."
"thanks..how's Omar doing by the way?"
"oh, pretty good for a freshman, he's been to the UK for the past three summers, he's used to it by now."
"yeah. good luck to him. so? you're not going anywhere anytime soon right?"
"nope."
"great! means you'll be coming to my wedding."
"wedding? mashallah! bu ya3qoob! mabrook!"
righ then, the thought of Layla crossed his mind..it's been a few months since they've had that fight and stopped talking to each other.
her family is pressuring her with the many proposals she's getting and every time she asks him if he's going to do something about it, he'd repeat the exact same answer "i need to start working and make my own money first.."
"i can't wait any longer. my mother is already having doubts every time i turn down a guy..and this time she's asking me to choose between two of them..and she's not taking no for an answer!"
Layla..i love you..i'm just not ready.."

he knew he's disappointed her, she wanted something solid and he couldn't give her that..not yet anyway, he wanted to be an accomplished man..someone who can provide her the same lifestyle she has.

"Ahmed?" Yahya was wondering where did his friend's mind wandered.
"i'm sorry..i'm really happy for you man..so? who are you marrying?"
"She's a Beauty! Nasser's daughter..Layla."


1983 - 4th of May

she 's been up all night, the wheels in her brain were going round and round, she felt her head about to explode!
what is it he wants now? it's been five months since she last heard from him, it was about time she moves on..

she walked to the kitchen, desperate for a cup of tea.
a few minutes later, Fatma walked in holding the little red recorder her mother gave her. although Layla wasn't really interested in Music, but she's somehow memorized a few songs her friend was playing non-stop. Fatma was a huge fan of Abu Baker Salim, but never got the lyrics right. every time she'd sing along, she'd be singing completely different words..Layla always giggled as she heard her sing in the next room.
"i want you to listen to this, you'll love it! it's just the perfect wedding song!"
ever since Layla told her about the engagement, Fatma had placed herself in charge of the wedding, and thrown herself all over the wedding plans and preparations.
"it's not until December Fatma."
"i know! but you don't want to be 'panicking' when it's too late for you to find a proper song!"
she pressed Play, and a traditional Omani wedding song came out of the little old thing.
"isn't this played in every single wedding we've been to?"
"NO! just the best weddings..what do you think? perfect right?"
Layla forced a smile of approval as she was adding sugar to her tea.

Fatma paused the song and sat silent for a minute.. "you're calling him back aren't you?"
"i...i don't know..i need to know what is it he wants."
"suit yourself..he's not bringing anything better to the table. sure, he's a looker, an engineer, and comes from a good family. but he didn't have enough guts to propose!
..she paused for a minute, grabbed a cup and poured herself some of the tea Layla has made.
then went on "Yahya is a charming man, he's just as good looking. okay, maybe life was a little rough on him, and he had to work at the age of 12. but look at him now! a permanent decent job, good salary, and he's graduating from uni in a couple of years. not to mention the sweetheart mother he has! he's got the kindest mother! you're going to have the best mother-in-law!"
"i know...but"
she took Layla's hand in hers as she said: "Layla..you're more than a sister to me, you know that. i just want you to be happy."

layla smiled. as cliché as that might have sounded, she knew Fatma was being sincere. they've known each other for as long as she can remember.

she tightened her grip on Fatma's hand. "thank you."

Later that afternoon

the phone rang. Layla had what would Fatma call 'the panic look' on her face. for a second, she wished if Fatma was home to pick up the phone instead. but she went out to finish gift-shopping. after all, their plane takes off tomorrow night.

her heart was racing, and her hands were shaking as she picked up the phone.
the deep voice that has always got the butterflies fluttering in her stomach came from the other side: "Hello?"
she stood there for a few seconds..trembling.
"Hello? Layla?"
"...yes, Hello"
the were both silent for what seemed like eternity. holding her tears in..she felt as if she was suffocating. Finally he managed to speak another word.
"why?"
"...you never came.." once again they both fell into silence..

"he's my best friend.."

A True Story - Part 1

1983 - 3rd of April

It's 9 pm, she's just got back from her last day as a university student, throwing herself on the bed and exhaling in relief. It was early April, the weather is perfect in Jordan around this time of the year. just a couple of more days and she'd be back home. the thought of becoming a married woman in just a few months was overwhelming. she stood up with a smile on her face, and walked to the wardrobe, looking for something more comfortable to change into. as she was extending her arm to grab a blue cotton dress, her eyes fell on a little note on the desk. must be from her flatmate Fatma.
the note read: Layla, Ahmed called.
her heart skipped a beat as she read his name..it's been over 5 months since she last heard from him.

"why now?" she thought.. so absorbed in her thoughts, she didn't realize Fatma had made her way through the room and was now standing beside her: Layla? ... Layla?

"Yes?!"
"i was knocking the door, are you ok?"
"oh yes, i'm fine.." she replied smiling. "i'm just anxious about the wedding."
"is that so? Fatma's tone was filled with doubt. "i was almost sure you looked like you were panicking.." the word Panic was one of Fatma's favorite words Layla thought. she's been saying it ever since they first learned it in school.
Fatma went on. "anyway, got the note?"
oh yes..the note, when did he call?
"sometime in the afternoon. he asked if he could speak to you, i told him you're in class."
pausing for a few seconds.. "you don't have to call him back you know.."
"yes..I..I know."
"you're an engaged woman, what is he thinking? when it's.."
"it's alright Fatma.. really. I'll go take a shower now."

1978 - Flashback

"Layla! Layla!" her mother was yelling at the front door.

"yes mama?" shouted Layla as she was running towards the car.
don't forget! you're having lunch at grandma's after school. she came back yesterday."
"inshallah!" she was already waiting impatiently for Wednesday.. Her Paternal Grandparents were her favorite people in the world. she missed them last week, but they had to visit a cousin in the interior.

she got into the car as she was enthusiastically greeting the driver back.
"if you keep coming late everyday, you're going to be late for school, and Ahmed will be late too, madam"
"i know. sorry Azeez.."

Ahmed moved to their neighborhood last weekend, and been riding their car to school with her for the past week. he's a relative she's known all her life, played with him in her old neighborhood back when they were kids.

they're both in their last year of school, even though he's two years older than she is, but she's been a bookworm all her life, she's started school at the age of 9 when they finally opened the first school for girls in Muscat.
she then started taking summer courses to skip a few years and graduate sooner..

Layla has never felt anything for a guy before, they just never seemed interesting enough to distract her from her studies..However, Ahmed was different.
she closed her eyes smiling, as she recalled the first time she saw him last weekend. when he came by asking for her father. she almost felt her feet melt into her shoes, she never knew he was that handsome.

the car stopped in front of his house. he opened the door to the front seat, greeted them, slammed the door shut, and said: "how are you this morning, Layla?"

her heart was beating so loud, she wasn't sure she heard him right, did he just ask how am i doing? "...Alhamdillah. how are you?"
"i'm doing fantastic, thank you."

looking down at her sweating palms.. she thought " i knew today was going to be a special day..the air smelled different the moment i woke up!"
as she rose her head up, she saw Azeez looking at her in the rear-view mirror with a smirk on his face.
he knew..

O' Perfect Template, Where Art Thou?

i need to be at uni in about...now. haha
i have no idea what am i doing here checking/updating my blog..

remember when i said i'm a very clingy person who's got trouble letting things go? ( our house has been renovated and refurnished twice now, and i still want it the way it was when i was 5 xD)
well..i was looking at my blogroll and let me tell you, 3/4 of them folks have either died, quit blogging or deleted their blog all together! but somehow i can't bring myself to delete the links..it's like i'm hoping someday i'll click on one of them, and there will it be, to my delight, a fresh entry on their supposedly dead blogs! you people suck!

can't blame them though, personally, the more interesting and blog worthy my life gets, the more boring blogging becomes lol, i barely blog once a month. (this month is an exception, i have finals coming up and i have nothing better to waste my time in but update.)

oh yes, almost forgot the reason why i'm actually updating lol..
*clears throat*

"my dearest regular Nella's blog readers,

my apologies if any of you are getting annoyed with the recently frequent template changes. i'm just not settled yet, i don't know what i want..so until i find a template i really like, i'm going to annoy you with this for a little longer i'm afraid..so bear with me..or something lol"

gotta run now, laters!

p.s: things are going according to plan, now all i need is a little bit of luck. even though i've been strangely lucky this week..too lucky in fact. hmm..

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to-do list:

- Study dammit!

- Pray on time.

- Clean the room and start packing. i hate packing, i hate it!!!! ****ing agonizing!

- Do last week's laundry!

yes..the past week has been a lucky one, but that doesn't mean i don't get to procrastinate! that's my all time best thing to do :D i'd procrastinate anytime of the day! oh wait..i already do that.. hehe

Undone

"I keep comin' back everytime I leave"

1- i hate this state i'm in right now..the 'reality hasn't hit yet' state. i wish if i could realize what just happened in order for me to react the way i will wish i did in about a week or whenever reality is gonna hit me..HIT ME DAMN IT! HIT MEEE!

2- i've been a complete scatterbrain today, and i'm afraid this is gonna last for quite sometime until i breakdown and then start to recollect myself..
BAD TIMING NELLA!! you've got a presentation next week and finals coming up in a couple of weeks.

3- i think i'm gonna fail in one of the subjects i'm taking, it's just too hard! xD and that damn prof has this weird way of coming up with exams. dentistry students are always shaking before entering the exam hall , and crying after leaving it. i on the other hand am pretty much desensitized when it comes to studies, the worse thing that'll happen is that i won't smile in relief once the exam is over. i really hope my kids don't turn out this way. 'Oh god, please let my future husband be a hot nerd.' =P

4- when i kill insects i imagine this little blue light leaving their bodies and heading up to heaven..weird i know, but thats what i imagine every time i kill something. oh, and i never kill ants. 'cause for some reason i start feeling guilty the minute i do. those hard working little things aren't up for breaks.
i've always admired ants, ever since i was a kid.

5- i miss swimming, yup..it's that time of the year again lol, i remember back when we were in grade school, and how we'd walk around el 7osh (backyard) barefoot and get as hot as possible and then run and jump into the pool. it feels GOOD! you should try it sometime.

6- i've been craving qabooli (an omani rice dish, prepared with either meat: laham or chicken: djaaj) laham for the past week. and to top it, i've talked to my grandma today (happens to be the chef who makes the best qabooli i've ever had in my entire life)
haha, everytime we're at my aunt's place (where she lives) for lunch it's either qabooli laham or dajaaj.

my cousins always laugh about it: grandma! they'll get sick of this qabooli if they're gonna have it everytime they're here! two more times and it'll become a tradition.
- Grandma: they like it! you don't have to eat!

ugh, i miss her so much! i miss everyone and everything as a matter of fact, even the ones i don't usually miss, i miss them this time. guess it's coz i'm all alone up here for the first time.
ugh man, i'm crying..


goodnight

Draft Vol.4 (10/8/2007)

now this draft is missing a LOT of stuff! since back then, i had so much going on, the thought of blogging about it was just tiring lol, but since it's a draft it'll remain unedited. i'll leave it the way it was saved. =)

note: last draft..yay! :p

"things are slowing down.."

it's been awhile since i've posted a serious update, i was thinking of posting something that needed lots of editing, then i changed my mind. it's better to post something fresh and recent.

nothing much has happened recently, my cousins left for their summer vacation, my other cousins returned from their vacation, and we didn't leave to return. sitting here in Oman and enjoying the not so hot weather, i think this summer is cooler that the other past summers, don't you think?

i noticed that i talk about my dreams quite often, and that's because they're more interesting than the real thing xD

apart from the deaths in the family everything is quite normal..swimming, staying up late..the usual summer vacation.

current wishlist

ladies and gentlemen i present to you my very first materialistic post :P

this the Puma Blackberry wine handbag that i've been dreaming of but couldn't buy 'cause i was broke at the time, remember? lol
but as usual, once i had the money, it was already sold out, and they didn't have any left at the store. i'm jinxed i tell ya..jinxed! =(



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i love Skullcandy.. beautiful. they were outta stock at virgin megastores. they only had a black/gold one which was very unappealing to me lol




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i'm not a heels person, since i'm a 5'6 ..but this, i really want.





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this little baby Coral snake is beyond adorable! i know it's venom is almost fatal, and it's as poisonous as of an adult coral snake. but i was dying for an adult coral snake, now that i've seen this..i want it even more! =(





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and lastly, i have 5 almost empty bottles of perfume, i'm thinking of repurchasing a couple of them and adding this to the collection


that's pretty much it for the time being. nothing interesting i know, but since i have no idea what is it i want right now, i thought i'd post the things i know i want.

sucksville, miserable town..catching my drift?

do you know what's sad? it's when you realize that you basically blog because 99% of the time your life is just so sad!
either that, or you just love to bitch about the not so bad 1% left. which i tend to do 100% of the time..

i'm feeing so miserable to the point that i'm feeling sorry for myself! i mean if i saw myself curled up in my bed all day, getting off of it just to answer nature's call, then i'm gonna be feeling really sorry for myself. which IS the case! and i also have a feeling i'm gonna regret posting this later on lol..

i mean, god! it's 8 in the morning! and i cannot go to sleep, and i'm really tired- and the screen is blurry and all but still! i just can't stop those thoughts from invading my head. i'm even thinking of erogenous zones for god's sake! and i also feel really sick and probably hung over (if possible) from all the fizzy drinks and ice cream i had.
ok here's a tip, if you're feeling really crappy? like REALLY crappy? do NOT drink 2 cans of Pepsi, 3 cans of mountain dew, and 3 full bowls of ice cream. DO NOT! especially when you rarely drink fizz and you're not too much of a sweet tooth. veeeeeeeeery bad idea..

did you ever want someone so bad! like sooo sooo bad! and like want them right now? this second?
well, that's how i'm feeling right now ...about juicy cheesy pizza! ugh i'd kill for a slice right now.

so..so far i'm feeling: depressed, hung over, sick, sorry for myself, dying for a slice of pizza,

and well.. having absolutely no human contact? is not making it any better! .. and definitely driving me insane. i'm on the verge of insanity here! and the fact that i'm not initiating any human contact either, is making me feel sucky! and well...suckier!

ugh..i mean, i do have a family that happens to care a lot about me, but i just can't make them worry more than they already are!
they are already worried about me stuck all alone in here. even though i'm 21 now, i'm still the very irresponsible daughter/sister to them, and i certainly can not disagree on that right now.. i'm just not cut out for this! i mean, what kinda responsible person would skip their classes and decide to spend the day in bed instead, drinking fizz, and having lots of ice cream on an empty stomach? well, not any responsible daughter/sister i know!

sigh..sometimes i wish if blogging about things you hate, things that are making you feel miserable, make them go away..
too bad blogger is not a fairy..or a witch.. or any other person who can make all of this go away for that matter.

and why do i have the song 'smelly cat' playing non-stop in my head?

A Thoughtless Hermit

that's what i've become lately.

i really think something is seriously wrong with me..it's like i'm not me!
i usually have a million thoughts a minute..(ok i'm exaggerating) but really, being thoughtless is just not Nellish!

i'm starting to have doubts about the drug i'm currently taking..might be the reason behind the thoughtlessness.

oh, and this is not an update lol, i'm just thinking out loud.

drafts Vol.3 (9/9/2007)

now this does not make any sense whatsoever lol, the most of it at least..
entry 3 can be a little bit..well, understandable! xD i think..
and if there are any regular readers in the house, i guess you've figured out by now how most of the entries on this blog are rather senseless. sometimes i wonder what am i on about.. so my dear readers, if you decided to go on reading, i'm afraid you'll have to guess what the hell was i thinking when i wrote these..(a few months back)
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oh and I almost forgot: i very much appreciate each and every comment you leave for me..i'm always thrilled when i see comments waiting to be moderated. puts a big smile on my face. actually, i'm just glad you bother visiting my blog..let alone read and drop a comment! seriously, thank you. :)

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"Dear Diary? "

9.9.2007
1:33 AM
Dairy,

i'm still in shock of how racist my father is, i've never
thought he'd ever react like this, not to someone i admire so much.

makes me feel like screaming an apology: i'm sorry! at the top of my lungs, hoping he'll hear it.

sigh..so this makes it what? -40?
oh, and it's been proven Diary, i'm paranoid -_-
..it's tiring when life becomes a mad vortex, but i enjoy it..the pain,
the headache and the dizziness. i really do..
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17.8.2007
Dear diary,

I had a weird dream last night; it's so weird it's funny. I might take it as a sign and do what I did in the dream, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough. It'll be devastating if it didn't happen like the dream. this took me a long while to get over, the 2nd time would be too painful to bear. :(

I hate this time of the year..sigh..My agony will go on for another 2 weeks, if not more -_-

It sucks when it's over..oh well, I just hope I dream of eight-legged shadows again tonight!
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10.8.2007
Dear Diary,

Nizwa is breathtaking! ^_^
the mountains, the clouds, the people, and their Pizza-hut branch xD everything was so beautiful and so delicious! even though it's summer..the weather was exceptionally nice, it even rained a tiny bit.
i gotta say though, my favorites were the mountains. they were no ordinary mountains.

one looked like a Sphinx, some looked like whales and there is one that looked like a witch with a crooked nose, amazing. i've always thought mountains are amazing, and i often feel homesick when i see chains of mountains..i love you Oman.