I've drove myself insane..

"You're gone..
You're gone..
Baby you're gone"

 i never noticed this song has kissing sounds in the background before..wow..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've never felt this way before, not on the same day at least. feeling on top of the world and then hitting rock bottom all on the same day.
life is a rollercoaster afterall..


i need to vent a little.

i just feel like blogging..

"how can I keep loving you endlessly?"

mood: nostalgic-uncomfortable-almost depressed.
listening to: Dorantes - Orobroy.


doesn't it suck when you have nothing interesting going on in your life? seriously! i went shopping on Friday, and i wasted all the little money i had left. i just wanted to do something refreshing, and shopping to my surprise was the thing!
i'm gonna go all girly on you now lol, but there was this 'puma' handbag that totally killed me! no kidding! but i was too broke to get it. i still think of it every night before going to bed.. =(

yes, i know money doesn't buy you happiness, but when i think of the engagement ring i want, i start thinking that maybe the one who came up with that saying just didn't know where to shop? xD

mom thinks the UAE is just as expensive as Oman or something..
the prices are on fire lately, we can't even afford eggs! right lol..but no really, things are much more expensive than last month! we used to get 3 eggs for just 1 dirham, now it's an egg per dirham!

anyway, on a more serious note: i hate finals, and being me makes them all even worse! 'cause i keep thinking of how i should study and all. then basically, do nothing! =)
ugh! killah min (it's all because of) the first exam! i did so damn good.
if i sucked i would've probably been a little more freakin motivated!

being in the mood i'm in at the moment, makes me miss my mom's smell..

Eid..

well, first of all..Eid mubarak everyone! ^_^
kinda late..
anyhow, i know you're all dying to know how i spent my Eid (right... lol)
weeeell! i spent it in a hotel room with my family.
it was a life changing experience, or so i want to believe.

it all started right before fajr prayer on the day of Eid..

my parents alarm woke me up. and being the lazy bum i am, i took a little while before i managed to convince myself to get off the bed.
I got out of the room and saw mom praying in the living room. prayed..and i was feeling so fresh and decided to take a look out the window.
a really cool breeze brushed my face and along with it, in came a familiar sound. something I'd be listening to about that same time at home. the only difference is that instead of listening and watching it on T.v, this was live and absolutely amazing! it's like I'm in Mecca. (here) this is exactly what i was hearing, but it was more of a chorus.

people were coming from all around the hotel and heading for the Masjid close by, by that time my sisters were waking up one at a time. we couldn't see the Masjid from our room. but it was quite fascinating how people never stopped coming. like they're all tied together with an endless rope. more people pulling on even more people.

it's weird how the sight was so new yet familiar, so weird yet gave me a very warm feeling. honestly? I'd rather see this every Eid than have the little Eid rituals.

so anyway,
dad was still getting ready for Eid prayer. mom called him to come look out the window. by that time people were already standing in rows, ready for prayer on the street! apparently there wasn't enough space for people in the Masjid nor the area around it. the roundabout nearby was completely covered with people.

he stood there looking outside for a couple of seconds. apparently just as amazed as we all were. then almost like he shook his head, he hurried out. we looked at each other giggling, turned back and continued to watch.

a bull started running with the crowd, which was really funny..kinda like Spain 'cept it was just one bull. i guess he broke loose from a house nearby. (hope they caught him before he hurt anyone or well, wandered off too far. I'm assuming they wanted to slaughter him for Eid, it'll be such a waste if they couldn't. considering how livestock prices shot up this Eid.)

dad decided not to go by car, since the road was closing with the many people standing outside. and the fact that the Masjid was just around the corner. and as he was walking to the Masjid, he turned back and waved at us. then disappeared from sight.

by the time they started praying, the rows formed were all the way from the Masjid (which wasn't in our sight) to the front entrance of the hotel we were staying in.
i haven't been to Umrah nor Hajj so this sight was absolutely breathtaking! mom promised we'd go next summer inshallah. (not the coming summer! NEXT summer..as in Summer 2009) hmm..i might be a teacher by then *day dreams*

this was the most spiritual Eid I've had in my life. made me think of how shallow Eid was to me until that moment.

phew.. this is a very long post! and even though I've just mentioned the first few hours of the first day of a 3 days unforgettable holiday, and i haven't even got to the funny and exciting little details of this Eid holiday! xD
but i think i better stop.

.....well, ok! I'm gonna point out that i went to 'Umm al-Quwain' and 'Ras al-khaimah' for the first time in my life.
the parts I've been to were so much like Oman. i loved them! ^_^
oh! and i saw some parachuters land, and some very beautiful scenery mashallah.
if only i had a cam. i'd share some of the stunning beach views with you.

the clouds were so close to the ground that day. not to mention the chilliness..but i like the cold. ^-^

there were also some thin wide patches of water scattered close to the beach..the reflection of the clouds on that water was just divine! so amazing..

oh well..

laters!

days of mixed emotions..

"Touched my nose with the tip of his Index, a grin on his face as he said: hey cherry.."

^ one of the many dreams i've been having every night for the past 3 days..i end up sleeping for almost 12 hours! i just like the dreams and the feeling they bring. i just wanna keep on dreaming.

it doesn’t mean my reality sucks, no! Everything is just fine. =D
Dreams aren't my escape lately..thank god!

i'm not celebrating Eid home for the first time in my life..and i have mixed emotions about that, i miss home, and i'm sure i'm gonna miss all the little Eid rituals..but i'm also relieved; knowing that i won't have to go through the torment of all that social stuff and the shopping!

i mean if Eid was celebrated among family only, i'd be the happiest girl in the world! but it isn't. relatives and people i've never seen before come, and i never get enough sleep the night before. i basically have no sleep at all! Sometimes it's the excitement, sometime it's insomnia. but at the end: no sleep!
so around 1 pm i'll be too exhausted to even have lunch (i have it anyway lol)

then i wake up (with not enough sleep) to go out for dinner ( incase there was a reservation) or just a crazy wild cruise and a drive thru with my cousins.
last Eid we watched half of the movie 'Norbit' in the car in that McDonald's drive thru! unbelievable! which reminds me..i never finished that movie..hmm..

oh! and you can't even imagine how broke i am!
i lost all my savings when my handbag got stolen..i really hate myself for carrying all my savings with me in that damn bag! but i thought it's safer when i have them with me. Ah man..
i literally have 50 fils in my wallet. thank god my family is coming tomorrow..i can't afford another meal xD

:: my first final is on the 27th. and i think i'll be studying. unlike last year. i'm actually studying this time. yay for me! lol
and all my profs know me, i usually try to keep a low profile. but this semester i just felt like standing out. it was good profs-wise. but then i got bombarded with requests from girls in my classes, i'm starting to regret it.
"oh Nella, i was wondering if you could help me out with my project."
 pfft!
i did manage to escape a few, but i still had to help in a couple. (out of excuses lol) 
oh well

:: my sister has graduated 4 days ago. and i have mixed emotions about that..i'm kinda restless actually..she's my life companion.
i do everything with her, she knows me better than i know myself. i still have to spend a year without her in this dumpster.
but at the same time, i wanna see how will i handle life in here with absolutely no backs to lean on. kinda exciting.

wow, it's been a long time since i last updated...

Dango, dango, dango, dango, a big dango family

Dango! Dango! Dango!

it's amazing the effect music has on me. its like every step i take has a different tune to it, as if i'm dancing through the ups and downs of my life.

i think it'll be cool if we had music playing in the background of our lives. like if something was funny you'll hear laughter. and when you're happy you get happy music, etc..

no it's not annoying! you get used to it. humans adapt easily to the environment around them!

there isn't much to say really.. I've had a terrible flu for the past two weeks and i keep relapsing! looks like it's not planning to leave me alone anytime soon. oh, and did i mention i had my first exams during it? i did quite good though =P 'cept for the one i missed! xD

anyway,
this last week has been a good one. I've been feeling quite content. there was a couple of times when i felt like my feet aren't on the ground anymore, but it was just for a split of a second..
and i'm taking it as a sign.

mood: magical.
listening: Dango Daikazoku

Falling stars and Crazy thoughts.

I've been seeing lots of falling stars lately..and it looks like I'm not the only one! 'cause TripleTee mentioned the same thing on her blog: "people never bother to look up to see that they actually appear every now and then" falling stars that is, in case you're slow (like me) :P

you should've seen me last Thursday, i was lying on the backyard's ground, with my hands behind my head..staring at the vast pretty space for hours on end. we stayed for a long time at my grandpa's this Thursday. we left around 3 AM! a new record! :P
it was nice..the weather was amazing. and we could clearly see the laser coming from Qurum's Park. it was gently brushing the stars scattered up above. ^_^

the one I've seen this time, fell so vertically. like a drop of water, hanging desperately on the edge of the water faucet, trying not to give up to this hardheaded gravity.
it failed, and fell...

so fast..so straight..so vertical.. and somewhere between my uncle's wall and his banana-like tree.. it vanished. like how fire vanishes when it hits the water. ever saw fire dying into the water? pretty amusing!

anyway, letting you into my hectic days and crazy thoughts that i've been having lately:

:: my cell phone has been dead for almost 8 days now. i have people to congratulate for Eid, but somehow i can't seem to make myself charge the damn thing. maybe I'm too lazy, but it seems like i don't want to..

it's not like i don't miss anyone, or i don't want to talk to them..it's just that..I'll be socializing my very unsocialized ass on Eid, and I'll be suffocating if i had more people to interact with..sigh, or maybe this is just a lame excuse..
I'm not sure really.

:: I'm back to my reading obsession. *happy*

:: I've developed an obsession with motorbikes. it's like i want to ride one ( a black KTM Duke) so bad..it hurts! xD

:: I've decided not to get married until the age of 25. for superficial, materialistic yet ingeniousnesstic << (made this one up) reasons lol..don't ask!

:: i came to understand that i have a very confused allergy.

:: I've stopped using my gift for awhile now, i actually thought i lost it until recently. it just popped in my head; i made that decision myself! the poor gift had nothing to do with it! (stop blaming others for your mistakes dammit!)

:: to whomever is reading this right now: seriously, com'on, lets be honest..are you even getting 20% of what I'm saying?

:: metal (the genre) sends a rush all over my body..i love it! and since no one around me is into it. it feels so special and dear to me. like it's only mine. ( i know it isn't but well...)

:: the word "levitate" has been on my mind for days now..it came to me all of a sudden, and i can't seem to be able to shake it off somehow, i can't stop thinking about it..it's between every two thoughts in my head, thats a lot! if you took into consideration the million thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis.

:: i was never a fan of the British accent. but lately? whenever i think of sexy..i think of it. hot! xD

:: i wrote a poem...lol, Nella wrote a poem haha. and i had good reviews as well. lol the irony. i don't even get the whole poetry business!!

:: there is a 65% chance that I'll be etching a tattoo somewhere around my body whenever my parents aren't looking.

:: for a first day of Eid, this one passed rather smoothly, not so bad actually. uh! thank you god. ^_^

I'm starving..bye now!

Colbie Caillat - CoCo

You thought we'd be fine

all these years gone by
now your askin me to listen
well then tell me bout everything
no lies we're loosin time

Cause this is a battle
and its your final last call
it was a trial, you made a mistake, we know (cant you see you hurt me soo)
but why arent you sorry, why arent you sorry, why?
this can be better, you used to be happy, try!

this is my favorite album of the year. ^_^ absolutely amazing!
i love each and every song on it.

even though i keep playing certain songs, i'm not sure if they're my favorite, i can't tell which is my favorite. hmm..

it's pure awesomeness! music-wise, voice-wise and lyrics-wise.
her voice is just so warm and calming, and it's associated with wonderful lyrics too.

Bubbly :: video

Track listing:

1. "Oxygen"
2. "The Little Things"
3. "One Fine Wire"
4. "Bubbly"
   
5. "Feelings Show"
6. "Midnight Bottle"
7. "Realize"
8. "Battle"
9. "Tailor Made"
10. "Magic"
11. "Tied Down"
12. "Capri"
13. "Older (iTunes Bonus Track)"

laptop

Well, apparently I like to talk about "nothing" -_-
'cause when I have something to talk about I get tongue-tied (in this case it's finger-tied).

Lots of things happened this summer and I'm not even the least interested to write about them, maybe laters, when I'm back to my sucky dorm room, with nothing better to do =P

Anyways, my laptop died on me a couple of days ago. Maybe it's turning into a habit? I don't know..
I bought a freakin "my book" so I can transfer all my important stuff in it, and I was planning to do so in a couple of days, but now I've lost everything and it sucks..sigh

This Whole incident reminded me of one of my bad laptop days, lol..I still laugh whenever I remember it.
I was online, browsing what could highly be sabla lol, and on the table next to me was a nice full bottle of freshening cold water. Suddenly the phone rang! And it was lying next to me on the bed, I stretched out to grab it and I'm not sure if it 's 'cause I'm clumsy, or maybe 'cause I got excited,
Uhh, or! my laptop was just thirsty.. xD

anyways, I answered the phone with a happy "HI!"
Then stood there frozen as the water poured on my laptop..

Nella: oh my god..
POTP (person on the phone): what?
Nella: water is pouring on my laptop!
(Started drying it.)
POTP: switch it off!
Nella still trying to dry it and still saying: oh my god!
POTP: SWITCH IT OFF!!
(Done drying, and now holding it upside down, with water dripping from it)
Nella: There is water inside!! :'(
POTP: just switch it off!!
Nella: ok.. (Switched it off)
Nella: I'm screwed!
POTP: (laughing)..you should've switched it off when I asked you too!
Nella: am….I was trying to dry it..
POTP: ok, lets hope you're lucky enough that nothing got to the motherboard, just leave it to dry a few days,..ugh! 3aneeda!! (stubborn!!)
Nella: *sniff*.. :(

and I did, left it to dry for three days, and on the third day, I switched it on while saying my prayers xD
And it was perfectly fine! ^_^

So POTP? If you're reading this, thank you! =P

thank you

I learned from you that I do not crumble

I learned that strength is something you choose
All of the reasons to keep on believin',
There's no question, that's a lesson
I learned from you

I'm grateful for all of the times
You opened my eyes

Thinking: noses, dad, trains, nintendo DS, tattoos and white walls.
Drinking: we're out of cold water..so it's room temp water :(
listening to: one fine wire and feelings show.
watching: D.Gray-man, Claymore, school rumble and prison break.
Missing: someone's laugh.
Doing: trying to keep myself from smiling as I'm typing this. lol


yes i know, this is not a serious update..but the draft i have right now needs some editing and I'm sleepy at the moment..gomenasai!
sigh..i miss blogging! ^_^

and what not..

doesnt it make you thirsty? it's a drawing btw ;)

Nothing happens in my life! There is so much drama in my cousin's and nothing in mine..and I'm jealous! I need some drama..the last drama I had was running away from that suspicious looking bagger! And I kinda think it doesn't count.. There was no adrenaline running through my veins at the moment.

I'm going to re-read all the Agatha Christie books I've got..well, not all all! But most, since there is a few where I remember the murderer, and it's no fun reading her books when you already know who did it >_>

So my book list for the summer is longer and I'm happier lol

I've been working on this project of my own.. I've been collecting notes and silly stuff that are attached to important memories I have, and now I want to put it all in one huge notebook..so that I can keep it all in one place.
My treasure!
And I can also show it to my grandchildren in the future ^_^ ..if i lived that long.

I'm really excited about it since I've been planning this for 2 years now, and I've been keeping stuff no matter how silly, old, broken they are, for as long as I can remember!

I have this blonde doll my mom got me when I was 8..it's missing an arm and her hair is in absolute disarray..but it's alive and it's safely kept on the upper shelf of my closet. I can't mention her name since you'll probably start rolling on the floor laughing :P

and i have this ancient orange peelings that has been cut to four letters : L O V E

isn't that romantic? :P

...there is so many stuff I wanna buy, but I'm broke. And it doesn't feel so good being broke :(

but I gotta admit I'm happier than ever, detaching myself from many things I used to be attached to, has giving me a better sense of..of..well, a better sense of something..and it's something good ^_^

Ja naa!

Arwen?

I just had a wakeup call
Wishing that I never let you fall
Baby your not to blame at all
When i'm the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I care
You never would’ve went nowhere
I should have been right there


Watching: Claymore, Daa! Daa! Daa! and Oman TV
Wishing: i was back home..
Drinking: water..
Missing: Home..
Worried about: Kushka
Thinking: grief, hugs, Books, fire, black nail polish and nuggets

my mom just told me I'm cold! :S and even if i care i don't show it!

i just don't feel so good right now..
and I'm so so so so tired..I'm in a (i wish i can sleep and never wake up) mood...

second final exam..Hall 9

days are passing so slowly this week..of course if i was the studying type I'd like it, since I'll be having more time to study..but I'm not!

i screwed up in today's exam..the thing is, i focused on the hard part thinking I'm not quite good at it..turns out I'm good! i answered all of the them correctly ^_^ ...i think

anyways, got the paper and stared at the first question:
umm,..................ok
lets move on to question 2 and come back to this later
2nd question: .........................

now sweat drops were forming on my forehead..with the thought of : 'I'm screwed! 20 marks gone!!"

took a deep breath and calmed myself down..flipped the page and moved to question 3, then I started answering all the Qs i know..turns out I'm quite good with mathematic stuff lol ..i guess i got all 30 right.

after revising twice, I went back to page one and started squeezing my brains hoping I'll remember something.
5 minutes have passed and my body started to ache from sitting for almost an hour on that uncomfortable chair..
plz remember something Nella! anything!

then..a ray of light came through and i remembered the answers of two Qs.. started to feel better and tried to remember the answers of the other 2 Qs..no use.
so I gave up, and answered depending on my point of view..which is highly wrong lol

i gotta admit that the thought of writing some stupid stuff like: plz don't fail me or something as stupid did come across my mind, and was somehow tempting lol

then, I went to Question two..which was a one line question that said : describe bla bla bla in details.

and i had to fill that whole page!
it was a 10 marks question!
i tried and tried but nothing came to me..so i decided I'll answer it in my own Nellie way! ^_^

as i was answering i realized my Arabic is getting worse..and then thought..I'll have to start reading some good Arabic books once exams are over..i have a few in mind..


you should stop reading now 'cause things are going to get cheesier xD


we had three Doctors monitoring the class..3 men..

Dr. 1: an Egyptian funny man who kept joking.

Dr.2: an Iraqi strict with a loud voice..he kept yelling, for some reason >_>
i remember seeing him b4 in the uni's corridors but i've never spoken to him or anything..and the weird thing is, when he first came in he looked at me and smiled..i thought: maybe he's smiling to the girl behind me.

then i noticed that he kept smiling at me whenever i raised my head..wasn't sure though.. but when i was done and handed him the paper he smiled at me again..i was like :S ok... now I'm sure it's me lol

Dr. 3: this one was absolutely charming! an Iraqi doctor..i've seen him b4, he's not that old.. I'd say early 30s, and since i have this habit of sniffing when a good looking man approaches lol..i sniffed, and he smelled so good! xD

now i know what you're thinking! of course you screwed up the exam! you weren't paying attention!

i was! seriously..i just sniffed when he gave me the paper..
umm, and when he came to check my I.D and all those other weird silly procedures..but thats about it! i promise!

he looks religious with quite a big yet well-trimmed beard..but seriously! hot! lol

once he asked for the I.D i got all nervous and tried to hand it so that i don't touch his hand. It was kinda funny how both of us tried holding it in many different ways just to avoid touching hands...
well, we ended up touching xD twice!


one more exam and I'm off..All the best to me! ^_^

Realizations

If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Note: before you go on reading..i have this major headache right now..something i haven't had in about 3 years, so THIS might just be the result of the chemical explosions happening inside my skull at the moment..

I just realized that:

1. I'm so self-absorbed to the point that it's not funny anymore! i noticed that I rarely think about things going around me..if it has no Nella in it then I don't think about it..which to me is very wrong!

2. my life is so boring..it hurts to wake up everyday.

3. I can actually play the piano! ^_^

4. I love caps.

5. I had so many goals to achieve when i was 13..7 years have passed and I'm not one step close to any of them..

6. working out feels good!

7. I wear my glasses once every two weeks..only!

8. I noticed that when my heart is involved my brain stops functioning..and same goes if it was my brain..my feelings just can't get involved..aren't they supposed to be partners? work together?
isn't known that we should think with both our heart and mind? if i was thinking or into an emotional state..i just stop growing mentally..
and now i just don't feel that much..and I'm pissed! lol

this thought is getting me down..it sux to feel so...Deficient..and somehow stupid..

is it cause I have so much on my mind to think about other things? then again, shouldn't i be trying to get rid of all these Nella-thoughts? so that I get the chance to think about other important things? ugh..nevermind


9. my diet is very very very unhealthy! i've been eating shawarma for three days now! xD

10. I miss reading..

11. my phone is outta battery! I don't even know how..since i charged it yesterday and it never rings!

12. I’ve made some ppl in my life a priority, when I'm just an option in theirs P.s: thanx sweetness lol

13. I have nothing better to do thats why I'm blogging!

oh look..if it isn't lucky 13! ^_^

hm?

well, I've passed my teenage days..i don't know why I'm still so damn confused lol

is it true that when you're too nice, you become more like a doormat
and people start walking all over you?

well, i've been asking this Q to almost everyone i know and they keep telling me being too nice is ok, as long as you don't care for the wrong people..well, how am i supposed to freaking tell who's worth it and who's not? I'm no psychic! I'm just a too nice 20 year old..umm, woman?

ugh, why can't people be a bit easier to figure out?
i was fine being an anti-social..I was doing perfectly fine.
I'm still not social but now i know some people..and it's pretty tiring..relationships suck! all kinda relationships!

sigh...i mean can't they just be the real them before i get attached? at least i wont give a damn when i let them go..but i guess there is no pleasure without pain..wait..what am i talking about? what pleasure? xD

i need food..haven't had a thing all day and it's almost over..

oh well, until i know who's worth it and who's not, noodles..here i come.^_^

Mixed Emotions..

I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me
I still feel your touch in my dreams
Forgive me my weakness but i don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive

'cause eveytime we touch
I get this feeling
and eveytime we kiss
I swear i could fly
Can't you feel my hear beat fast
I want this to last
Need you by my side.

yaaay! at last! ^_^ we've finished KH2! (kingdom Hearts 2) ..umm,...to the ones who don't know what am I talking about..its a playstation game.

i was holding my breath at the end hoping no one dies..and no one did! ^_^ awesome ne?




anyways..letting you into my daily life..my first final is on the 27th..and I'm not done studying..actually i just read a couple of pages..I'm not feeling guilty or anything really..but today while talking to mom she asked how's studying going and if I'm ready for finals..
I said: going great! ^_^

i lied..and now i feel weird.. :(

I'll be getting a good mark anyways..but..i don't know..it's just with mom, whenever i lie to her..i feel guilty..




Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is out! and i can't wait to finish finals and go see it..i don't care if it's not as good as the first two..i don't care if it sucks! it's a 2 hour and a half of Johnny Depp..thats all that matters to me ^_^
..superficial, i know..but well,..it's Johnny Depp, i really can't help it.

I'm literally counting down the days till I'm back home..i miss mom, my sisters, dad, home..my bed.. i miss Oman..the roads of Muscat..the smell of palm tress in my Grandpa's Farm.. and the water! i miss swimming like never before..sure i look forward to summer every year so i can soak myself for hours in the swimming pool..relaxing my whole body so it starts floating on its own..but this time its different..it's like i need to be in water..
just can't wait!
..feels so good when the water goes through your hair..as if it was playing with it..


oh well,...2 weeks to go! ^_^

this is a song I'm so into lately..thought of sharing it with you..here:
Cascade - Everytime We Touch


P.s: I need Pizza :'(

..........

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

thinking: Wind,..Sleeping,..hands..Swimming pool..
Listening To: Lost to Apathy
Doing: staring into space..
Missing: myself 6 Months back..
Playing: Tekken 5
Watching: Naruto: Shippuuden 14

A day in the life of my Mailbox

From: Nella's friend
To: Nella
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 8:42 PM

Nellie girl!

How are you? Still dreaming about swimming? Cool water and not a care in the world?

What are you thinking about lately?

----------------------

From: Nella
To: Nella's friend
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 9:03 PM

i'm doing fine thank you..yourself?

i get excited when i receive a message lol..'cause it's mostly you and i somehow look forward to your messages

no I'm not still dreaming about swimming..i've found something better to do..counting down the days till I'm in the water!

well,..lately I'm thinking of..umm, trusting people..

it's not fair! ..some people leave after making it so hard for you to trust again..and when you meet someone new you get all confused and not sure what to do..it wont be fair not to trust them 'cause of someone else's doing! ..it's their chance after all, but then again..they might hurt you the same way the ones before did..

sometimes i wish i was a seer.. foretelling the future..it sure will avoid a lot of pain and disappointment..

..am i making any sense? funny how am always complaining to you..i always manage to find something to complain about xD

hope you and you're family are doing well..Take care

-----------------------------------

From: Nella's friend
To: Nella
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 9:21 PM

Awww, Nellie, you make me blush... I look forward to seeing your name on the screen..."Nella...Nella...Nella..." It always makes me smile...like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. I'm always in a better mood after I see you around...even if I thought I was in a good mood to start with...

And I LOVE to hear you complain! You were talking about trust; that's what it feels like. When you trust me and tell me what's in your heart, it's a bit magical. Like you would feel if you were sitting in a park and a bird suddenly came and landed on your finger! Ohhhh...! Keep still! Don't disturb it! Look at it carefully with wide eyes. Be very careful and maybe it will come back again...or stay awhile...or clean its feathers a bit...or close its eyes and take a nap right there on your finger! And you can feel its little heart beating so fast beatbeatbeatbeatbeat!

I think you have to decide who to trust on a case by case basis. But there are only two choices in a general way for dealing with people:

1. To refuse to get hurt any more and get hard like a rock; or

2. To decide to allow yourself to get hurt and take risks and trust anyway.

I think General Attitude number 2 is the better way. Love always involves pain, but without trust there is no love. And keeping yourself closed off ends up hurting you worse than anything else in the world.

But...you will get beat up and abused. People suck. But at the same time: people are wonderful!

I think the trick--to the extent there is a trick--is to learn slowly to replace instinctual trust with a decision to trust. You learn to keep your eyes open and to love and trust while expecting pain and knowing that you will be let down.

When you are getting ready to trust, ask yourself: Am I ready to risk getting hurt? And if you are: then trust--and hope for the best. And sometimes, you will get a happy surprise instead of any unhappy one. Because life is sad and miserable and people are more horrible than you think. But also: life is lovely and beautiful and people can surprise you with how much more beautiful they can be than you expect!

They can be like sun on the branches or a bird landing on your finger when you least expect it. And then you remember that life is worth living.

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From: Nella
To: Nella's friend
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 9:48 PM

oh my..seriously? every message from you is like a lesson! I'm so glad you're my friend ^_^

and life goes on

i know i always complain..i know i get easily depressed..well, I'm not doing it this time you know why? coz life is good to me lately..really, feels like everything is falling into place

isn't weird when you think to yourself that it all sucks and nothing is going right in your life before going to bed and once you wake up and start your day..all the things you wanted to happen are happening?

i don't even dream now..well, for a few days now.. and it's a relief really..it's like, i don't have to worry when I'm sleeping and i don't have to worry when I'm up! isn't that just awesome?

i also realized that sometimes you just can't do the things you want to do, even if you wanna do them so bad..there is something stopping you and i think it's..well, i don't know what it is..but its there! ok?
true! I'm a very senseless human being but lately it feels like there is this line that i just cant cross! imagine this pile of gold 10 feet away from you, and you can almost smell it! but between you and the gold is this line that you just cant cross! its like your feet wont move!
as bad as you want it you know its wrong to have it, coz it's not yours obviously! ugh ok! i suck when it comes to giving examples..but I'm really tying.
anyways..so thats how i feel..lol i guess the line I'm talking about would be common sense.

now I'm going through a desensitizing point..and I'm feeling good about it..i have this "over" thing going on with me since..i was born!
i overcare and therefore overreact, overbla, overbla...overetc, ....and guess what? I ain't doing it anymore.. coz when i overcare i get worried..and I'm worried I'm down..and when I'm down I'm not happy! so in order to be happy..i just have to loosen up a bit and don't give a **** about it. simple ne? ^_^

a week ago..i was complaining to a dear wise friend of mine about someone..he told me what he thinks and how i should handle it.
lets just say that i wasn't strong enough to go with his advice..but somehow it kinda happened on it's on..it just worked itself out! how lucky can someone be? note: I'm usually jinxed..no kidding ..i'm contagious! i jinx the ppl around me >.<
I'm kinda getting worried though..my entries are getting shorter lol..i'm not even that talkative anymore!

Rubbing it off

so i was wondering the other day about the things that get rubbed off on us without us wanting them..

i personally blame my subconscious lol :P no really..think about it..if someone you know had this horrible habit or quality that you utterly detest! yet coz of former experiences you find yourself scared of them rubbing it off on you due to the daily interaction between you and them.

ok..to make it more clear I'll share a former experience k?

i had this Bahraini friend who used to say hindia (indian) instead of stupid..and it was really getting on my nerves to the point that i told her : why do you associate Indians with stupidity? thats kinda racist you know!

anyways..days went by and I went back home for my summer vacation..and guess what was the new word added to my dictionary? yup! hindia! xD

now even though i really hated HER saying it..I became the one saying it! and it came out of my mouth all on it's own! very naturally..

you just get used to it, and unconsciously start using it..what does that tell you? that I have no personality? that I'm very insecure to the point that I'm afraid of such things rubbing off on me? should i be more sure about myself? well, WRONG! thats not it..it happens all on it's own ok? sure you can control it..i mean..I'm not saying hindia anymore, but the point I'm trying to make here is..it has nothing to do with my personality nor insecurity!

expectations and some other stuff

in two weeks time I'll be studying for my finals which'll start at the end of this month..true i only have 3 subjects to study this semester but they're kinda hard so I'll be studying..

sigh,..been almost two years since i actually did something that I'd call studying..now i know thats bad lol, but i kinda forgot how to study properly and i get As anyways..

my family came to visit last weekend..and it was by far the best weekend i've had in years! i just had a very pleasant time ^_^

i ate what i wanted to eat..i watched the movie i wanted..i had the Nachos i wanted lol, stayed up all night laughing my ass off with my sisters, spent a very nice time in the car with my parents..talking about everything from politics and religion to food, Japanese and playstation lol! -my dad doesn't know how to play playstation but he likes watching us play..silent hill is his favorite game..like me and all of my sisters :P
seriously..nothing better than dad calling us upstairs to play instead of studying ;) -

also something kinda funny happened to me while i was flipping Metal CDs in Virgin megastore in Dubai city centre..as we all know, Virgin D.J's and workers are super HOT! lol
tall, broad chest, sharp eyes and tattoos *faints*
anyways. I'm kinda into Metal lately and i've never checked it's section before so i thought i should..unfortunately i was the only one standing there and i was wearing Abaya..

once i stepped foot into the section this lady came and asked me if I'm looking for something..of course i knew that she probably thinks I'm lost and came in the wrong section -_-

i looked at her..smiled and said : oh..no, I'm just looking around.. ^_^

and then said :thank you!

*lost data*