Notice of termination

DEAR DEVIL:

in the past couple of months; every night, before I went to sleep, you've successfully managed to sneak behind the security guards, and tiptoe into my archive room.
you rummaged through my memory files, binders and tapes, and diabolically picked the memories that would undoubtedly unleash the worst of pains. you then sneaked back again, unnoticed by the oblivious guards, and inside the conference room. that's where you've carefully inserted one painful memory after the other, upside-down into the slide-projector..and played them over and over again.

well, you had your laugh and I'm very delighted to tell you that your sneaking days are over.
I've assigned new security guards.
you must've noticed them..the bulky dude with the name tag "strength"? and the other tall one? his name tag reads your worst nightmare, "faith".
I'm sure you saw them. they're hard to miss.

I've changed the locks as well. so if you think you can still sneak in, you no longer have access to any of the rooms.
The new locks are no ordinary locks, you -fortunately- can't pick-lock your way through those. They're digital  new locks. Passwords required. passwords you can't fathom, let alone break.

PLEASE TURN IN YOUR UNIFORM AND KEYS AT THE RECEPTION DESK ON YOUR WAY OUT OF MY HEAD.
THANK YOU.

just because I promised..

I promised a high-spirited update soon, but I'm feeling anything but high spirited right now..I woke up to depressing thoughts, followed by bad news, and my mood just got officially effed by the vein-bursting Oman - Australia game..sigh

promises are promises though so..here you go =)

A Lot Like...an update

a friend tweeted this quote, and I liked it so much I decided to quote her quote in my blog hehe

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

well effin' said, huh?

Ain't it funny?*

*no..not JLO's song..even though the lyrics seem very applicable to my situation.

Back when it all started:
An Emarati friend I haven't seen in a week: "OMG Nella! you lost weight! and your eyes are glowing! You're in love, aren't you?"

 When it was all over:
A cousin I haven't seen in a week: "OMG Nella! you lost weight! and you look tired and..like you're sick. are you..like..in love or something?"

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Picture by laurapora

Couldn't you just..

It hurts.
Not like when you accidentally dip four of your fingers into boiling oil, not like knocking your foot against the nightstand, not like anything that I can explain really.. It just hurts.

It's suffocating and it builds up in that spot right above your stomach and right below your throat.

You never really get over it. You have memories, and those (happily..or sadly..I can never seem to be able to decide what to think of them) never go away. All of your desperate attempts to forget soon find their way down the drain; because someone, somehow, has to bring up a name. someone, sometime, has to ask for more tic tacs. someone, somewhere, has to ask about your posters. Any excuse of an excuse to trigger a memory..

It hurts; uncontrollably, undeniably, painfully; it hurts.

حتى في ضحكتي غصة

...........................................

Wedding Depression Season

Everyone is getting either engaged or married, and it's making me feel too single..not jealous, not envious, just..awfully alone. I thought I won't feel this way until..my birthday...or Valentine's maybe..

I feel like the ship has sailed and I'm still standing on the pier, hopelessly waiting for it to return.

Drawing a name in the sand over and over again, while the waves continue to stubbornly erase the traces my finger had left..