A Sense of Wonder

2010-08-18T04:03:00.001+04:00

مبارك عليكم الشهر

A Blessed Ramadhan everyone!

Picture by the ever so talented BahiQ8

a sense of fashion

2010-07-13T02:59:00.001+04:00

I'm not a Fashionista.. I'm not devoted to fashion clothing, and fashion doesn't get me high, but I just LOVE this look! adorably innocent from the knees up, and super sexy from the knees down. and that relaxed updo! The contradiction is all too gorgeous I just had to let the whole world (or whoever has been keeping track of this almost-neglected blog) know! ♥

disappointed with my life

2010-06-13T16:51:00.001+04:00

I haven't logged on my blog in ages! when I did the other day (day of template change) I had the intent of updating, but after skimming through it, I realized that I shouldn't blog anytime soon; because my new posts are only going to be replicas of my previous entries.

contemplating on whether I should blog about other trivial matters until I have something personal, worth blogging about, and is NOT repetitive.

until then,
xoxo

template change!

2010-06-12T03:50:00.001+04:00

Arabesque ♥ ♥ ♥

Pollyannaism

2010-01-10T19:07:00.001+04:00

I'd like to believe that,
:: every time I smile, someone's life brightens up..just a little.
:: every time I laugh, a sick person feels a little better.
:: every time I feel deliriously happy, a meteor shower hails from the skies.

Does the good outweigh the bad?

2009-12-30T23:54:00.000+04:00

or are we better on our own?

كيف نتداوى من ادمان صوت من نحب؟

2009-12-01T17:53:00.006+04:00

لا أحد يعلمنا كيف نحب ..كيف لا نشفى.. كيف ننسى ..كيف نتداوى من ادمان صوت من نحب ..كيف نكسر
ساعة الحب.. كيف لا نسهر.. كيف لا ننتظر..كيف نقاوم تحرش الاشياء بنا .. كيف نحبط مؤامرة الذكريات .. وصمت الهاتف..
كيف لا نهدر أشهرا واعواما من عمرنا في مطاردة وهم العواطف ..كيف نتعاطف مع جلادنا من دون أن نعود الى جحيمه ..كيف نخرج من بعد كل حب أحياء وأقوياء ,وربما سعداء.
هل من يخبرنا ، ونحن نبكي اليوم بسبب ظلم من أحببنا ،، اننا يوما سنضحك مما اليوم يبكينا ؟؟!!
سنندم كثيرا لاننا أخذنا الحب مأخذ الجد .. فلا أحد قال لنا انه في الواقع أجمل أوهامنا , وأكثرها وجعا..ز

com من رواية نسيان
أحلام مستغانمي

Notice of termination

2009-11-17T02:37:00.002+04:00

DEAR DEVIL:

in the past couple of months; every night, before I went to sleep, you've successfully managed to sneak behind the security guards, and tiptoe into my archive room.
you rummaged through my memory files, binders and tapes, and diabolically picked the memories that would undoubtedly unleash the worst of pains. you then sneaked back again, unnoticed by the oblivious guards, and inside the conference room. that's where you've carefully inserted one painful memory after the other, upside-down into the slide-projector..and played them over and over again.

well, you had your laugh and I'm very delighted to tell you that your sneaking days are over.
I've assigned new security guards.
you must've noticed them..the bulky dude with the name tag "strength"? and the other tall one? his name tag reads your worst nightmare, "faith".
I'm sure you saw them. they're hard to miss.

I've changed the locks as well. so if you think you can still sneak in, you no longer have access to any of the rooms.
The new locks are no ordinary locks, you -fortunately- can't pick-lock your way through those. They're digital new locks. Passwords required. passwords you can't fathom, let alone break.

PLEASE TURN IN YOUR UNIFORM AND KEYS AT THE RECEPTION DESK ON YOUR WAY OUT OF MY HEAD.
THANK YOU.

just because I promised..

2009-11-14T20:13:00.001+04:00

I promised a high-spirited update soon, but I'm feeling anything but high spirited right now..I woke up to depressing thoughts, followed by bad news, and my mood just got officially effed by the vein-bursting Oman - Australia game..sigh

promises are promises though so..here you go =)

A Lot Like...an update

2009-11-13T22:26:00.000+04:00

a friend tweeted this quote, and I liked it so much I decided to quote her quote in my blog hehe

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

well effin' said, huh?

Ain't it funny?*

2009-11-11T01:38:00.004+04:00

*no..not JLO's song..even though the lyrics seem very applicable to my situation.

Back when it all started:
An Emarati friend I haven't seen in a week: "OMG Nella! you lost weight! and your eyes are glowing! You're in love, aren't you?"

When it was all over:
A cousin I haven't seen in a week: "OMG Nella! you lost weight! and you look tired and..like you're sick. are you..like..in love or something?"

----
Picture by laurapora

Couldn't you just..

2009-11-05T04:38:00.001+04:00

It hurts.
Not like when you accidentally dip four of your fingers into boiling oil, not like knocking your foot against the nightstand, not like anything that I can explain really.. It just hurts.

It's suffocating and it builds up in that spot right above your stomach and right below your throat.

You never really get over it. You have memories, and those (happily..or sadly..I can never seem to be able to decide what to think of them) never go away. All of your desperate attempts to forget soon find their way down the drain; because someone, somehow, has to bring up a name. someone, sometime, has to ask for more tic tacs. someone, somewhere, has to ask about your posters. Any excuse of an excuse to trigger a memory..

It hurts; uncontrollably, undeniably, painfully; it hurts.

حتى في ضحكتي غصة

2009-11-05T01:02:00.002+04:00

...........................................

Wedding Depression Season

2009-11-03T18:53:00.004+04:00

Everyone is getting either engaged or married, and it's making me feel too single..not jealous, not envious, just..awfully alone. I thought I won't feel this way until..my birthday...or Valentine's maybe..

I feel like the ship has sailed and I'm still standing on the pier, hopelessly waiting for it to return.

Drawing a name in the sand over and over again, while the waves continue to stubbornly erase the traces my finger had left..

Dear Blogger-y,

2009-10-31T18:00:00.004+04:00

The result of last night's semi-subconscious, desperate and [lets admit] pathetic move; was a lethal mix of frustration, embarrassment and self-loathing.
what baffles me the most however, is that the final product of this mix is not as lethal as one would predict...it's..I can't believe what I'm about to say but..comforting.

frustration + embarrassment + self-loathing = comfort
who would've known, huh?

I hope this equation holds until tomorrow morning. *fingers crossed*

With hands clasped in prayer..

2009-10-28T18:54:00.022+04:00

Please please please please please please pleeease don't let me get sick...again!
The amount of sickness (carsickness included) I've suffered from in the past few months should last me till the end of the year..at least? please?

Besides, being sick is one thing, being sick AND lonely is a totally different thing!
my painkiller is no longer available.. it requires a prescription no one is ever going to write for me..

please? ...

قال

2009-10-26T18:56:00.002+04:00

أحب اسمك -

حقا؟ -

أجل... -

قبضته مليئة بالنجوم

"أريد أن أكتب اسمك في السماء"

يقولها و تضيء النجوم بتناغم مع ابتسامته المعدية

ابتسمت و رفعت رأسي ، فتلاقت أعيننا

في عينه نظرة حائرة

سألته: هل غيرت رأيك؟

لا.. -

ماذا اذا؟ -

ما اسمك؟ .... -

Picture: TanssivaPanda from Deviantart

You'll never be there for me..

2009-10-24T05:33:00.004+04:00

I woke up in yet another uncomfortable and painful yoga position. My back ached and my arms knotted in a painful twist. I don't know why the unconscious me is determined to twist in the weirdest angles while I'm sleeping. Does she hate me that much?

waking up with the stiffest neck every day is not fair. It effs up your already effed up day.
But lots of things in life aren't fair:
- The fact that almost all the shoes I like are never available in size 39, is not fair.
- The fact that loneliness and despair never tire of haunting me down every night right before going to sleep, is NOT fair.
- The fact that I only get monitored doses of a substance very similar to endophins but doesn't exactly have the same effect is, SOOO NOT fair!
- The fact that whatever hope I have during the day vanishes the minute my head hits the pillow is DEFINITELY not fair!
- And the most unfairest of them all is the fact that, the only time I have you with me is in my dreams..

Today was no exception..I woke up with a smile on my face, my eyes half closed, and I had no plans of opening them up any time soon. I was indulged in my post-dream daze, reliving every little euphoric detail of what happened in my dream over and over again, before this great/painful epiphany occurred to me. It was just another vivid dream! and I had woken up! and it was devastating!!
In rebellion against this awful truth, I shut my eyes tight, and quickly tried to remember every little detail of the dream I had, in hopes of...I don't really know in hopes of what..

Did I want to go back to the dream I was having? or was I hoping that ..if I tried hard enough it would become a reality? I don't know..all I know is that failed attempt after failed attempt, my frustration built up..and 10 minutes after failing (in whatever it is I was doing), I pressed my face against the pillow and shouted at the top of my lungs. I was angry..so angry I could've killed somebody.

I would trade the rest of my life, if I could live in the dream I had last night..

Written Consolation

2009-10-18T07:20:00.002+04:00

I'm sure that who's ever been keeping track of my recent entries (besides myself) must've thought at one point "why is she publishing all of this if she's not directing it to a certain someone, why must she parade her sadness if she's not looking for sympathy?"

Well, this question has crossed my mind every time I checked my blog, every time I moderated a comment, and every time I published a new post. "Why are you doing this? If your purpose was truly to 'document' this sad period of your life, then why don't you keep a private journal? why does the world have to know that you're 'crushed beyond repair'?"

In all honesty? I don't know. I asked this question to myself so many times I've lost count, and I still fail to see the point of what I'm doing.
All I know is that writing comforts me. when I write, a faint light of hope ignites within me. and for a few hours, I live in momentarily peace. I think happy thoughts, something along the lines of "you're fine, everything is gonna be alright. you know, a lot of people got bigger problems, yours is considered trivial in....Congo for example!"

But that peaceful feeling of strength soon wears off, and I'm back to square one.

If I could describe my shattered emotional state in one word at the moment, it would be Terrified.
I'm terrified of staying depressed, I'm frightened that I'll always be depressed, I'm scared that all the happiness that's been drained out of my life will never return, I'm worried I'll never move on, The thought of not being able to pull my life together is eating at my heart (or whatever is left of it).

This whole thing has literally drained my will to do anything. I'm still standing right where I was 35 days ago (I can't believe it's been that long, or that short)
sigh....

I've Dreamed of You So Much

2009-10-13T19:09:00.001+04:00

I've dreamed of you so much that you're losing your reality.
Is it already too late for me to embrace your literal,
living and breathing physical body
and to kiss that mouth which is the birthplace
of that voice which is so dear to me?

I've dreamed of you so much that my arms--
which have become accustomed to
lying crossed upon my own chest
after attempting to encircle your shadow--
might not be able to unfold again
to embrace the contours of your literal form,
perhaps

So that coming face-to-face
with the actual incarnation of what has haunted me
and ruled me and dominated my life for so many days and years
Might very well turn me into a shadow.

Oh equilibriums of the emotional scales!

I've dreamed of you so much that
it might be too late for me to ever wake up again.
I sleep on my feet, body confronting all the usual phenomena
of life and love
and yet when it comes to you--
you, the only being on the planet who matters to me now--
I can no more touch your face and lips
than I can those of the next random passerby.

I've dreamed of you so much,
have walked and talked and slept so much
with your phantom presence
that perhaps the only thing left for me to do now
Is to become a phantom among phantoms,
a shadow a hundred times more shadowy
than that shifting shape which moves
and which will go on moving,
stepping lightly and happily
across the sundial of your life.

Robert Desnos

Crumbling on the inside,

2009-10-12T04:06:00.012+04:00

They were on their way to Al-khuwair to pick up their younger sister from her private tutoring lesson when Noor suddenly said:
"You know, for someone who's been holding onto something for so long, you're pretty quick to let it go."

It's a habit of hers that Reem have always hated. blurting things out of the blue like that, and then sitting silently like she didn't just threw a bomb at her defenseless sister..
Reem turned and looked at her sister in disbelief at first, but then faced forward again, bottling up her annoyance with all her might, and determined to give her sister a dose of her own medicine.
she sat silently as well, pretending not to have heard what Noor has just falsely accused her of.

Blood was boiling inside her head, and her heart picked up pace. "let go? is she serious? I'm falling to pieces here! why does she think I stay up all night? That I get amazingly uncomfortable when she talks about her fiancé? or do I have to whine and bawl my eyes out in front of the whole world for her to recognize that my heart has been irreversibly broken?"

Her train of thoughts went on that track throughout the ride. When they finally reached their destination, Noor parked the car, and then turned her whole body to face her sister. she looked at her expectantly,
"well? what do you have to say?"

"say to what?" Reem coldly replied.

"to what I just said?!" she impatiently demanded.

"what did you just say?".

"Reem!! com'on! what I just said about you taking it kitha.. easy. the way you are."

"oh..well, I'm not actually."

"really? you seem very...umm..very.. together to me."

"well, I'm not 'together'."

Noor was now staring at her younger sister who was fiddling with her iTouch, pretending to be reading something, in hopes of a quick change of subject.

"that's not healthy." Noor suddenly declared in the most Dr.Phil-ish tone.

"what isn't healthy?" Reem looked at her, trying not to let frustration get the best of her.

"bottling it up like that. why do you always pretend you're stronger than you really are? I've seen how attached you were. That kind of attachment is impossible to get over in just a matter of a few weeks. impossible to get over at all if you ask me."

failing to contain herself any longer, Reem cried: "what makes you think I'm over it?!! what makes you think I've let go? why do you think you have the right to analyze me like that? just because I don't crawl into mother's bed every night anymore, begging her to help me lift this heavy pain off my chest and help me breathe through my sobbing, does NOT make me over it! and it definitely does NOT make anything any better!"
Her eyes welled-up with tears as she struggled to breathe before continuing in a broken voice "you don't know what I've been through...you can never know what I'm still going through.."

She broke down.

Noor stared at her broken sister, filled with guilt and shame. she didn't know that bringing up the subject could unleash all of this bottled up grief.

" I'm sorry..I never knew it was this bad.."
her shaking voice pierced through Reem, who sat quietly for what seemed like an eternity; staring at her lap; whilst tears dropped rhythmically one after the other on her trembling hands.

"it's not fair.." she finally whispered.

Noor reached out and pressed on her sister's hand. "I know..I know it isn't. how is he handling it?"

" I have no idea. He seems fine."

"are you still in contact?"

"no..but I secretly get doses of him, and he seems to be doing just fine. I sometimes wish he wasn't. and it makes me feel horrible for wishing him something evil."

she smiled. "how do you know he's really fine?"

Lifting her head up, she wiped her tears away before cracking a joke that was both painful and funny. Noor laughed warmly and then went on asking questions, cautiously trying not to mention anything that would make her sister burst into tears again.

Reem went on talking for a whole hour, happily reminiscing at some points, and choking up on her tears at others. but regardless of how painful it was, It made her feel better somehow. Noor was right. It wasn't healthy to grieve the way Reem was. She needed to let it all out. the only problem was that her grief seemed to be a bottomless pit. no matter how many tears she shed, there was always more. no matter how many things occupied her mind, there was always a small opening for this mourning to creep through.

They were all silent on the drive back home, right until they stopped at the traffic lights in Madinat Qaboos; when Noor suddenly decided she's do that hit-and-run thing Reem always hated again by quoting their aunt with a devious smile:
"الحب مرادف منطقي للجنون ؛ وحده هذا الجنون الجدير بالعيش حد الإدمان"

This time however, Reem only smiled and gave a little nod in agreement.

8 Stars, 11 Clouds

2009-10-05T00:59:00.048+04:00

Days have been passing by in the most ridiculous manner lately. In slow flashes. So fast, yet painfully slow.
mending your broken life is not as easy as they make it seem in the movies.. the pieces of your broken life don't start falling into place right after.

Morning of October 3rd

I was lying on my youngest sister's bed, blankly staring at the ceiling. The lights were off, and nothing but a few thin rays of light that managed to creep through the parting of the heavy curtains disturbed the comforting darkness.
It's been more than a week since I've abandoned my bed. I couldn't sleep in my bed. It didn't feel like my bed anymore. "maybe I need to buy a new bed set? and add pillows of all shapes and sizes..warm cozy colors.." I daydreamed.

I was still in the same clothes I was wearing yesterday, my gray comfy pants (that I've recently purchased and totally, whole-heartily adore) and an electric blue T-shirt (that I don't exactly like, but it's too comfortable and looks really nice against my fair skin),
when a sudden gust of cold AC air blew over me. I curled my toes in reflex -like i always do when a sudden rush of pain, pleasure, cold, happiness,..pretty much anything comes over me- and quickly pulled the duvet over my shivering body.

I grabbed my phone from under the pillow to set the alarm.
7.15 am read the phone watch.
"I can't believe I'm still up! this is getting ridiculous.." I frustratingly thought.
My train of thoughts picked up from there leaving me indulged in thoughts I've desperately tried to dodge (like bullets) for the past 17 long hours or so.
Tears were now starting to form in my eyes. aghast by the weakness that started to break loose inside of me, I shook my head violently "you promised yourself!" a voice shouted inside my head.
I wiped my eyes, took a deep breath and started to recite comforting verses.

fifteen minutes later I had calmed down. and was now staring blankly at the ceiling again.

Determined to escape from all the agonizingly painful thoughts, and being the helplessly OCD-ish person I am, I started to count the glow in the dark plastic shapes that were stuck to the ceiling..
1..2...3..4..8.
8 stars.

1..2...3..4..5..6.....
11 clouds. and before I could finish counting the faintly glowing sheep, I drifted into a very much needed sleep.

Not long after,

I was standing in a long never-ending hallway, absolutely gobsmacked.
I wasn't sure I heard him right. Did my father just say this man is gonna be my husband? The look on my face must've spelled out utter astonishment, because my father slowly repeated through his smile: "This is gonna be your husband."

The man standing next to my father was at least fifteen centimeters taller than him. I stole a quick glance at his shyly smiling face before looking back at my father who seemed to be delighted by the news he just told me. the smile on his face was very un-familiar, as I hardly ever see him smile.

I had to steal another (this time longer) glance at the man my father was very happy to announce as his future son-in-law. He had an olive skin that seemed to be soaking up all the sun's rays that were coming through the HUGE windows covering the walls. A neat yet itchy-looking stubble beard, and a pair of unbelievably black eyes. They were too black. amazingly black. I've never seen eyes this black in my life.

I didn't realize that my glance had turned into staring. I was staring at his face, cautiously moving my eyes from his eyes to his nose, mouth, chin, back again to his eyes. subconsciously studying every inch of his face, like i was trying to take in as much as possible.

And then I woke up.

10 Years Days Ago

2009-09-23T23:40:00.003+04:00

Disclaimer: I'm not posting this entry for a certain person to read, nor am I seeking people's sympathy. It's an attempt (probably a failed one at that) to document a certain period of my life. One that i can always look back to whenever life decides to give me attitude, as a reminder that I've been through worse.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was disappointed when i woke up that afternoon. My prayers were clearly not answered as i was still alive.
I slipped my hand under my pillow and pulled my phone from underneath it. I waited for my eyes to adjust to the bright screen as it read:
4:11 pm
13/9/2009

No messages..

"It wasn't a dream.." I bitterly thought.

I was still feeling the same way I felt when I went to sleep that morning..ripped apart..
My chest felt so heavy I could hardly breathe..My body too weak to roll over and my throat extremely dry.

15 minutes later I managed to gather the little strength i had left, and made my way to the bathroom.

Standing in front of the mirror, I saw the reflection of an expressionless tired face with swollen eyes. The minute I looked at it's mournful eyes, the same feelings of last night rushed through me. The despair, the helplessness, the grief..
I suddenly felt like someone has pulled the ground from underneath me. It all happened so fast I had no time to hang onto anything that would help ease the fall.

I fell to the floor and started to sob as hard as i did before going to sleep. the pain was too much to bear. I tried to breathe, but the more air i took in the more painful it felt.
I was sobbing so hard there were times when I was completely out of breath my body had to resort to yawning. I yawned a few times throughout my sobbing as a desperate attempt to stay conscious.

I then tried to strip out of my clothes as fast as my weak body would allow me, and literally crawled to the shower. the minute the water hit my skin I started to feel better. the frequency of tears running down my face decreased, and the sobbing fainted into silent tears with occasional gasps.

Half an hour later, I was still sitting under the shower when I heard faint knocks on the door. I asked who it was, and the maid answered telling me that my mother was expecting me downstairs.
The thought of my mother made me suddenly stop crying. I got up, washed my face and slipped on my Jalabyia. not realizing at the time that i was dripping wet and that the Jalabyia was inside out.

As I was holding the bathroom door handle open, I remembered I had to pray first.

I was relieved not to find anyone in the room. I closed the door behind me and proceeded to pray. I wrapped myself in a Leeso (big traditional Omani scarf thingie), and laid down my sijaada (praying rug).
As soon as my feet touched the soft blue wool of the rug, a sense of overwhelming peace came over me. encouraged by it, I took a deep breath and started to pray. The longer I spent on the rug, the better I felt. I didn't realize i was sitting there for 40 minutes until my sister walked in the room wondering where I've been all this time. I forced a smile on and asked her about my mother's whereabouts. She told me that she's probably reading Qura'an in my grandmother's room downstairs.

The thoughts running through my head made walking down the stairs an unbelievably difficult chore. I wished I could run upstairs and lock myself back in the bathroom and never leave.

I stood in front of my grandmother's room for a minute, wondering whether i should tell her or not. I then decided to go in and not think about whats going to happen next, and gently held the handle of my grandmother's room open.

She looked at me from the corner of her eye for a couple of seconds before laying them back again on the shiny beige-colored pages of the holy book opened before her. I stood still at the entrance of the room as I impatiently waited for her to finish. The minute she was done I involuntarily threw myself in her arms.. holding on to her tightly..

she was surprised by my very unexpected dive at first, but then started to gently stroke my hair as she asked teasingly (like she always does when I hug her):

"aish il munasaba?" (what's the occasion?)

"mashai..I just miss you" (mashai: nothing)

I closed my eyes and thought of how much I missed her scent.
she kept on stroking my hair and back for a minute before asking,

"9allaiti?" (did you pray?)

"am.." I whispered.

"Nella?"

I paused for a few seconds, trying to suck in the tears that were quickly forming in my eyes, and shakingly whispered "am..?" (es..?). as yet another failed attempt of saying "na3am?" (yes?)

"aish feeh il qamar?" (what's wrong?)

"nothing..really. i just miss you."

She knew I was lying and I knew she didn't believe me. but she didn't insist.

She continued to stroke my hair for a couple of minutes before finally breaking the silence: "inzain taw bay2athen il ma'3reb 7abeebti. roo7i shoofi 5awatish wain 3ashan tenezlo tfe6ro. Allah yer'6a 3alaish." (go find your sisters, Maghrib (sunset) Athan is gonna be called out any minute now)

I took a final long whiff before I reluctantly let go of her. "inshallah" (okay)

قالها قيس

2009-09-14T05:19:00.002+04:00

لقد ثبتتْ في القلبِ منك محبةٌ كما تثبتت في الراحتين الأصابعُ

ليس عدلاً

2009-09-08T02:44:00.002+04:00

أحاول البوح فلا أستطيع. أقول كلاماً كثيراً بلا معنى - كما افعل معك دائماً.
لاافهم كلامك في معظم الأحيان و تتهمني أنت باللامبالاة..

الرحلة

2008-12-24T22:18:00.001+04:00

بدأ طلال الرحلة القصيرة، يرافقه رجلٌ مسن وزوجته، لا يعرفهما. وما هي إلا لحظات حتى انضمّت إليهم سلمى، يرافقها طفل جميل مشاغب في عمر السنتين. كانت دهشة طلال كبيرة . فها هي سلمى أمامه بعد أن انقطعت اخبارها لثلاث سنوات. تمنّى ان ترفع رأسها فتراه، وتقول له أي شيء. فما تعود ان يرد لها طلباً، ولكنها منذ أن انضمت إليهم في الرحلة وهي تضع رأسها في الأرض، تراقب طفلها

قام طلال ببعض الحركات، وتنحنح أكثر من مرة لتنتبه إليه، ولكنها لم ترفع رأسها للحظة، فقرر أن يسألها ويعاتبها فور توقف الرحلة، ويبتعد عنه الرجل المسن وزوجته

لا شك في أنه سيجد مساحة للوقت والمكان ليسألها عن سبب الغياب

ومع تزايد وتسارع ضربات قلبه وارتباكه، وقف المصعد

خرج الطفل مسرعاً

صرخت عليه أمه: طلال حبيبي توقف

فتوقف طلال في مكانه في المصعد دون حركة

فما تعود أن يرد لها طلباً

كريم معتوق

Tagged!

2008-12-11T03:56:00.003+04:00

by the fabulous, the magnificent, the one and only: Diablo!

- List down 5 things people probably didn't know about you.

ok, here goes:

1. I'm emotionally retarded.
2. when i was a kid, i broke one of my front teeth while playing football.
3. when i was in fourth grade, I had a completely random episode of amnesia that lasted for several hours.
4. I look a lot like my grandmother, who looks a lot like her grandmother..and there is a good chance one of my granddaughters is gonna look a lot like me.
5. I blow bubbles as a form of meditation.

Worn out

2008-11-16T20:27:00.005+04:00

So I thought I’d slip in a lame update about what has been recently going on in my life.
I still can’t believe that we just started our mid-terms. we only have 2 weeks left before Eid holiday, which will leave us with just one week before finals.

Uh, who cares anyway? My underachieving self is not bothered..never will be.

ok that’s a lie. I haven’t been this anxious in my entire life! I never knew I could get this apprehensive! I just discovered a side of me that I’m seriously thinking of shooting..right between the eyes! There is always something stupid that keeps me up at night.. and even the couple of hours of sleep I get are not peaceful. I keep dreaming of missing deadlines, screwing up assignments, embarrassing myself in front of a class full of teenage girls. And if it’s not a very bad dream, I’d dream that I’ve overslept and missed an important exam, just to wake up and find that I’ve woken up way before the alarm has gone off.

I don’t know why am I panicking like this.. I’m usually never bothered. And it’s not like I’m doing badly in my studies, on the contrary; My grades are pretty good (if not excellent), and my past two evaluations weren’t bad at all. So what am I so freaked out about?

The stress is affecting me physically too, I’ve been sick for almost a month now. I keep relapsing.. it’s so bad that my mother is demanding at least one SMS per day..just to make sure I’m well enough to type.
I come online in my not-so-free time, just to satisfy my procrastination, and keep my mind off of things..or at least try to.
I can’t wait for November to end! I wanna go back home, and get some of my strength back for finals.

I’ve been sleep deprived for the past couple of months it’s just..so..very..tiring..

Ever since I was a kid, when I’m in desperate need of some peace, I usually get one my mother’s recently worn (lesos) scarves, and bury my face in it. her sweet comforting smell on it literally makes every muscle on my body relax, and an overwhelming sensation of peace overcomes me..a reassuring feeling that everything is going to be alright, and all I have to do is just close my eyes..
and I sleep..The wheels in my brain finally stop. no nightmares..no dreams..just a black void of peace.

I wish I had one right now.

Baby Alien (tu-free 4)

2008-10-27T19:03:00.009+04:00

everybody, i made a new friend! (literally). his name is tu-free 4.

Nella the Photographer

2008-10-25T19:12:00.012+04:00

i took those back in Summer in Qurum Natural Park. the weather was expectionally nice, so we decided to go somewhere..
i had a lot of fun that day. got soaked in fountain water, had delicious ice cream..and popcorn from a brown paper bag (is it me? or does popcorn taste much better when it's in a paper bag?)

a perfect summer day with my family.. i miss them.. =(

a vein-bursting question

2008-09-18T09:08:00.011+04:00

Alone, where a a king sized bed once stood, laid a king sized mattress. "Very comfortable." I thought, as I positioned myself on the mattress, facing the wall. The mattress covered in soft clean white sheets; looked new and hardly ever used.

The door of the semi-deserted room swung open, and entered my cousin, who's holding a diet coke can in one hand, and a glass full of ice in the other "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I found this IPod station stuck between the wall and the mattress."

"Well, that's an odd storing place."

"It's not a storing place..it probably doesn't work."

"Well, I have my IPod, and you can plug it in right there..lets see if it was stored, or if it lost it's way to the bin and somehow ended up between a wall and a mattress in a room almost never used."

"Ok, Let's see.." I plugged it in, placed the IPod and it worked!

"What do you know.. It works!"

"That really is an odd place to store an IPod station.."

"Yeah..haha" I turned around, and asked "So? Who's the can and who's the glass?"

"Excuse me? I'm not sharing."

"Come on.."

Fine..You're the can."

So.. a comfortable mattress, music in the background, and coke. What else is missing?
Conversation! We went on talking about school, university applications, driving license, weddings, etc..etc..Until we came to the question that is the highlight -or at least supposed to be the highlight- of this entry.

"So Nella? What's the best thing that's ever happened to you?"

I answered without putting much thought into it. It doesn't need much thought anyway, I already knew what's the best thing that has ever happened to me. "my mom."

She looked like she heard an answer to a totally different question; her facial expression was a mixture of shock and suspicion.
I was waiting for her to blurt out a "what?" but instead, she blurted out something I wasn't expecting at all.. a "why?"

Now I wasn't sure if I should feel offended by that question, `cause lets be honest here..It does seem a little offending if someone asked you why you consider your mother the best thing that has ever happened to you, specially if said with that tone.

Well I dunno, skipping the 9 months of pregnancy, the several hours of excruciating labor, the 2 years of some serious breast feeding, and all the things almost all mothers go through.
Maybe because she makes the best Bechamel? (Speaking of Bechamel, I noticed that everyone I know whose mother cooks bechamel says their mother's is the best. personally, I've had many mom-made bechamels throughout the years, and they were all good; they all had a special flavor. I guess it's that special flavor we consider the best, the nostalgic familiar flavor of home)

Maybe because she is the smartest woman I've ever known? The reasons are endless, and obviously biased!
The harder I tried to put them all in an answer -an answer I felt was good enough to justify why I think she's the best thing that has ever happened to me- the faster they slipped away. I was boiling inside, not only because of my inability to properly answer the damn question, but because of the damn question itself. "why?"

For a moment there, a semi-bald, short, fat Italian guy in his mid-forties, appeared in my head and furiously asked "what the **** is wrong with my Ma Huh? FIGLIO DI MIGNOTTA! VAFFANCULO! CAFONE!" (Translation: You son of a *****! go **** yourself! ***hole!)

Anyhow, this whole thing makes me think, is it because we take mothers for granted that it seems weird to think of them as the best thing that has ever happened to us? "You know..Mothers are supposed to be there for us, they don't happen!" Or is it because of how she sees her own mother?

Well, to cut it short, being the easily led to self-doubt person I am, I started wondering, Does it have to be something else? I tried rephrasing that question in my head so many times, I tried looking at it from different angles, but I kept getting the same answer; My mother.

Finally, I answered. "Well, because, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me!" I couldn't have answered any other way. And to avoid any other vein-bursting questions, I fired back the same question "what's the best thing that has ever happened to you?"

But before she could answer, the door opened and a voice called "Nella? Yallah 7abeebi, We're going home.. it's late."
I was a little disappointed I didn't get the chance to give her a taste of her own medicine, but I had to go, the best thing that has ever happened to me was waiting for me by the door. And as soon as I saw her smiling face, I thought: maybe it's because she just stopped me from offending someone who probably didn't even mean to offend me? Well, I guess it's safe to say that, my mother was the best thing that happened to my cousin that night.

Nella Says: Frogs are perverted? *

2008-09-11T12:39:00.009+04:00

How do you miss a voice you’ve never heard before? A face you’ve never seen before? Or a conversation you never really had? Even though it feels like you have at least a million times.
You know, nothing gets my thoughts going better than being cut off from everyone.. (Well, almost..)
Loneliness and anxiety is what I call enemies with benefits. Along the many visits they seem to be frequently making lately..I noticed my brain activity increase. with all these thoughts, and ideas running in my head. I’ve also noticed that I use my brain much more when I’m in a desperate need for ‘vitamin P’.
Wait.. Does that mean that when I’m deliriously happy, my I.Q drops? Hmm.. ’cause if it does, it explains a lot!

It’s probably because I become so emotionally worn out to the point that my heart announces it’s time he takes a vacation from all the crap I keep getting him into. Leaving all the work to my brain for a few days.. (or weeks, depends) which isn’t bad at all really. I actually like the only-brains Nella better to be honest.

Oh yeah..Almost forgot!
Ramadhan Kareem everyone! =D

Not that anyone reads this blog anymore, But I just can’t give up on this place..Not yet anyway.
A few years ago, I came to realize that I love talking to myself..guess it’s ‘cause I’m a very good listener (funny I said that..My family still believes that I’m not much a daydreamer as much as I’m partly deaf. they even had me go through an ear surgery back when I was a kid, just to make sure I’m not really partly deaf, which was obviously unsuccessful?) Besides, who understands you better than yourself? I usually turn to myself when the road gets a little bumpy.. and writing instead of talking to myself out loud (even though I do that sometimes too) seems like the more sane way of holding a somehow interesting (or maybe not) conversation between me, myself and I.

Anyhow, speaking of Ramadhan, This is probably the first Ramadhan I felt very very unready for. It came so suddenly this year..like the year skipped a few months thinking it’s time we have Ramadhan visit us again. a holy visit I’ve always looked forward to, with the exception of this one time. Because for the first time in my life; I’m spending it all alone. I really wish no one welcomes Ramadhan alone. specially if you don’t know how to warp a samboosa (even though you’ve genuinely tried at least a thousand times throughout the years, till you’ve ruined half of the wraps and your mom decides it’s time you stir the soup instead) It’s not a nice feeling, but if you ever had to..Well, you’ll live.

It comes fast and leaves just as fast. I can’t believe we’re moving on to Day 13 in a another umm..16 hours? Now I know it’s a little early to talk about this, but, doesn’t it feel weird when you wake up on Eid.. and someone downstairs calls you for breakfast? The Idea of having breakfast seems so strange! (but you get over it real quick once you have a glass of water). I think I’ve said it every Eid so far haha “Hey! Guess what! We can drink water! In the MORNING!” One of the many stupid things I refuse to stop saying (or doing) on Eid. Stupid things I can now proudly announce are officially on the ‘are you worthy of becoming an Eid Ritual?’ waiting list, In hope of becoming the new nice little Eid ritual. Alongside Oud, Insomnia, stealing Chocolate (even though we can just go and get some from the living room now, but it’s not as fun as getting it from the men’s side..mission impossible style lol) and the ‘lets-go-check out- the-guys-from-the-second-floor’s-window-as-they-bring-out-the-Shuwa’ gaze haha!

At any rate, I’ve talked about Eid a million times in here..and as tempting as it is for me to give the famous “Nella’s Eid Speech” ( I’m already half way through it anyway..i think) it would be unfair of me to make you go through the damn thing every single Eid.. I’m not that mean. =)

moving on..

A few days ago, I was fortunate -or perhaps unfortunate- to find out (to my utter astonishment) that some people are stupid enough to not realize that actions have consequences. It’s beyond their comprehension to understand That you can’t clip a bird’s wings, lock it up in a cage all it’s life, and then one day, decide to open the window for it, assuming it’ll fly like any other bird who’s been soaring the skies for years.
Likewise, You can’t raise a child unexposed to life, inexperienced, and completely dependent on you. Clipping his wings by constantly telling him he’s a good for nothing nobody, and then one day, take off the leash, and expect him to lead a normal independent successful life, like the rest of the normal folks out there. For god’s sake! Even the lucky ones (who’ll somehow manage to come out of this with a little bit of confidence intact) won’t lead a normal life.. at least not immediately!

And I know this has nothing to do with anything, but I hate infatuation... (I like the sound of the word though) I hate it’s guts! Not only do I immerse myself into the person I’m infatuated with.. But I somehow start to sound like them..Be interested in what they’re interested in, etc, etc.. (Unconsciously of course). And it freaks -the hell- outta me! Every time! I often find myself wondering: “Am I going to suffer from this syndrome for the rest of my life?”
They should have pills for infatuation! It’s dangerous! Some people lose their identities! And I can’t really imagine something worse than losing the person you are and becoming a not very well copied copy of somebody else. (note: a little exaggeration might've occured in this paragraph)

Not like it’s incurable or anything..I mean, I survived them all. I eventually get myself out of it, but by then it would’ve consumed me to the point that I can’t return to the Nella I was before.

It’s Evil! It’s evil with a little tiny halo floating somewhere above it’s head. Because when you become so infatuated with someone, so infatuated to the point that you start to sound like them, look at things through their eyes, and share their views and interests.. You learn new things. It comes with the territory I guess. You submerge into this person, and their interests become your new interests, and you learn..

If he is into cars, you become a car expert. If he is into books, you become a bookworm (major bookworm f you were already a bookworm, like myself). If he is into Movies, you become a movie fanatic. And if he is into Nail Polish and all things pretty….well, you move on faster than you thought you would.

I’m not sure if it’s to impress them, or if it’s psychological.. But I know that every time I’m infatuated, i hear a voice in my head saying: oh girl, you’re in deep shit!

And one more thing, I don’t think that recalling silly jokes or hilarious incidents, or even looking through your memory archive for that tape you had recorded of your sister falling on her bum in public and playing it in slow motion is sad! If it makes you laugh just as much as you laughed before, then you go ahead and reminisce! Even if you happen to be in a waiting hall full of people, and suddenly start laughing hysterically. Note: from personal experience, once you realize you’re actually laughing like an idiot in front of all these people..You’ll most probably find yourself unable to stop laughing (which is also good to recall and crack up on in some other waiting hall haha..I hate waiting halls/rooms. Specially when you don’t have anyone to kill time with, and they’re no decent magazines to read.)

Out of Nella’s Book of “Kitchen Adventures/Disasters”

My parents and my older sister had to go away for a day while I was home ‘super-vacationing’. and being the second person in charge (and the superb Chef I am).. I took the liberty of making dinner.. and came up with a “white sauce and cheese pasta with a pinch of turmeric” recipe. But after everyone (including my grandma, who qualifies as the pickiest person alive) had (with the help of divine powers) ate, I had to change the name of the recipe to “turmeric with a pinch of white sauce and cheese pasta”.

You see, I accidentally poured half of the turmeric jar into the white sauce. You can imagine how yellow and turmeric-y it became. I honestly believe that I made the yellowiest, turmeric-iest dish in culinary history. Thank god my parents came back with a lot of Pizza leftover that night.. (I also think that was with the help of divine powers)

Word of the week.. “Viet-fuckin’-nam!”

Guess this entry makes up for the almost 3 months long time in which I didn’t blog, lol!
Is it obvious (from the length) that I miss blogging? ‘Cause if it isn’t..I really do miss blogging. =)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* I recently heard an Omani joke about a perverted frog. I would’ve told you the joke, but it’s really really nasty. Well, the joke is basically about a smartass frog who wants the lion to bring him bitches lol (the longer ‘Omani’ version is a lot funnier I promise you).
Anyhow, I found myself thinking about the fairytale frogs, and when you think about it, frogs really are perverted. From the frog who was drooling all over Thumbelina, to the ‘prince’ frog who had to be kissed to transform. Kissed? Seriously..

A True Story - Part 3

2008-06-19T23:18:00.006+04:00

i'd like to apologize for the inexcusable delay..most of you have probably given up on me, and i wouldn't blame you. not only was i very busy, but i was also impeded by my uncertainty of how to end this. being the last part of my very first story.. i sure took my sweet time.

1994 April 5th

it's the Birthday of her Brother's daughters. Lubna had just turned four, and Arwa was already three. Omar decided to hold the Birthday Party at Hardee's. it was the trend to have birthday parties at Fast food restaurants back then.

Layla was getting her girls ready for the Party. she was helping Reem put on her new white dress with the purple floral prints. Reem wasn't sure she wants to go..
"Mama, do i have to? i don't like parties.."
"Yes honey you have to. you'll have lots of fun, they have games, loads of Burgers, and two huge birthday cakes!"
"but i've been feeling sick all day..i don't feel like eating anything.."
"yeah right! once you smell the food, you'll be the first to eat!" Noor said as she was putting on her new pants.
"no i won't!" shouted Reem ..she turned to her mother with a worried look. "Mama? you're coming too, right?"
"yes honey, of course i am." she planted a gentle kiss on her daughter's nose. smiling in relief, Reem went to check her hair in the mirror.
she was now trying to tie her hair up in a pony tail. ever since Noor had managed to tie her hair all on her own, she's been trying really hard to do the same. Layla smiled as she watched her try over and over again.
"you'll never get it right, your hands are too short" Noor was doing a perfect job making Reem think her hands are shorter than they already are.
"Noor! would you do us the honor and zip it?" Layla said angrily
..come here sweetie, you need to look your best today, i'll tie your hair today, and we can both sit and practice tomorrow, alright?"
"..alright." Reem smiled, her arms were getting sore from holding them up anyway.
as the girls were running down the stairs she checked her watch "we're going to be late, where is that little Devil? Dana!!"
a shout came from downstairs. "yeaaaas?"
"come up here this second!" Layla shouted back.
Dana was mumbling and laughing with her sisters as she was running up the stairs, when she saw her mother's frowning face, she froze.
"i'm.. i'm sorry! the show was about to end i swear, but then they had commercials on and.."
"okay okay, come!" Layla sighed in impatience.
Dana ran to the room and saw a dress on her bed. she turned to her mother in disbelief. "but mama! i can't wear a dress! Abduallah is coming to the party. he's gonna laugh at me if he saw me in a dress!"
"but we don't have anything else ready."
"okay then, i'm not going.."
"what? get into that dress right now!"
Dana was on the verge of crying when her mother let out a sigh. "if i'm going to go crazy, it's all your fault.. okay, grab the new blue trousers and the shirt that goes along with them."
"thank you!" she jumped on her mother. "it's in the lower drawer. hurry up now, or i'm going to change my mind."

"oh well, looks like we're going to arrive late again..just when i thought today was going to be the day." Layla thought.

2 hours later

Layla was sitting at one of the tables, having a laugh with her sister-in-law when Fatma walked in with her little girls all holding on to her Abaya..
"Abla! (teacher)" she yelled to Fatma. "you look tired!"
"of course i'm gonna be tired! i'm pregnant again!"
she said as she was looking at Omar's wife "wallah if it wasn't for Muna i wouldn't have attended."
Muna said through her famous chuckle "thank you! we don't have parties like this all the time you know. your girls are going to have so much fun with the kids! i knew it was a good idea to have Omar hold the party here.
Bragging about almost every little thing she has, was something Muna has always found complete joy in.

Fatma was now reciting a funny incident that happened to her at school. Layla has already heard this one on the phone before, so she turned to check on the kids. Dana and Abduallah were standing on one of the tables and trying to reach a big blue balloon that was stuck to the ceiling. "Dana! get down this second!" Dana jumped up in startle. Abduallah jumped off the table and ran to the other side of the hall. Layla was fuming as she was getting her daughter down. "if i saw you doing anything like that again, i'll take you home right away!"
Dana seemed like she wasn't even listening. "mama, you're tall enough. if you got on this chair you'll be able to reach it."
"that's it! i'm taking you home right now!"
"no no! i don't want the balloon anymore. really!"

as she was returning to her seat, her eyes met a familiar face. a short Colombian Lady walked into the Hall. she was in her mid forties. blonde short hair, a little chubby. she was holding the hand of a little two year old girl in a pink dress who looked just like her mother.

she never knew what is it he saw in her, he stayed unmarried for so long, and then came back home one day married to this old average looking hag.
Muna called the lady to come sit with them. Layla forced a smile as she greeted her. "Hello..yes i'm fine, thank you."
talking to her has always made Layla feel uncomfortable. to avoid the conversation, she took Rana in her arms and went to sit in the table next to them.
she cradled Rana's face in her hands, and looked at her with adoration. for some reason, knowing she was his daughter, she adored the girl to bits. Rana was now trying to pull off the beads on her dress. "no no, cariño."

2006 - August.

It was past midnight. Layla was driving back home from her parents. "Mama? can we have Rana sleep over at our place? she said she wants to tag along with Ruqaya next weekend." Dana said.

"i don't think it's a good idea honey."
"Why?"
"your father doesn't like her father. i'm not sure he's going to be comfortable having his daughter at our place."
Reem who was 20 years old by then said: " i just saw her father two weeks ago. he's handsome! how old is he, mama?"
"a couple of years older than i am i guess."
"really? so he's about the same age as dad, he looks so much younger! i heard he's the head of this huge company. i wish i could find a man like him" Reem sighed.
Layla smiled as she took the turn to the left.

ever since Yahya found out that Layla and Ahmed once had feelings for each other, he started avoiding Ahmed and told her not to have anything to do with his family. how did he found out she never knew, but she never confirmed his doubts.
she agreed to whatever it is he said regarding Ahmed. there is no point arguing about something that had died more than 20 years ago, she thought.

"why doesn't he like him mama?" Dana asked.
"you know your father 3ad Dana.."
"but what are we going to tell her next week?"
"how about you all sleep over at your uncle's instead?"
"But!"
Layla gave Dana 'the look' over the rear-view mirror.
"fine.." Dana sighed. her brows met in anger and confusion.
" if you keep doing that you're forehead is going to be covered with wrinkles by the time you're 20." Layla said jokingly. everyone chuckled except for Dana, who's got more upset her brows got even closer.

----------------------------

open ending! =D
lol, not really..i know that open endings are almost always unsatisfying. but this is a true story, and so far, it's pending.
disappointed? my apologies.
and who knows what the future holds? :p if there was any developments in the future, i'd be more than glad to share.

note: all names mentioned in this story are fictitious.

A True Story - Part 2

2008-05-28T22:04:00.005+04:00

1983 - First of May

"Ahmed! when did you get back man?" Yahya greeted his best friend with a big smile and a hug.
"a couple of days ago. i heard about your father..i'm really sorry. how is he?"
"thanks, he's doing a lot better now."
"Alhamdillah..guess i've been away for quite some time."
"2 years is sure a long time..so you're back for good, huh?"
"yeah! ..i've had enough of the UK. five loooong years..i'm definitely done. what about you? how's work?"
"going great. i just got promoted. about time if you ask me. i've been working there for over 12 freakin' years!"
"haha, congratulations! you deserve it."
"thanks..how's Omar doing by the way?"
"oh, pretty good for a freshman, he's been to the UK for the past three summers, he's used to it by now."
"yeah. good luck to him. so? you're not going anywhere anytime soon right?"
"nope."
"great! means you'll be coming to my wedding."
"wedding? mashallah! bu ya3qoob! mabrook!"
righ then, the thought of Layla crossed his mind..it's been a few months since they've had that fight and stopped talking to each other.
her family is pressuring her with the many proposals she's getting and every time she asks him if he's going to do something about it, he'd repeat the exact same answer "i need to start working and make my own money first.."
"i can't wait any longer. my mother is already having doubts every time i turn down a guy..and this time she's asking me to choose between two of them..and she's not taking no for an answer!"
Layla..i love you..i'm just not ready.."

he knew he's disappointed her, she wanted something solid and he couldn't give her that..not yet anyway, he wanted to be an accomplished man..someone who can provide her the same lifestyle she has.

"Ahmed?" Yahya was wondering where did his friend's mind wandered.
"i'm sorry..i'm really happy for you man..so? who are you marrying?"
"She's a Beauty! Nasser's daughter..Layla."

1983 - 4th of May

she 's been up all night, the wheels in her brain were going round and round, she felt her head about to explode!
what is it he wants now? it's been five months since she last heard from him, it was about time she moves on..

she walked to the kitchen, desperate for a cup of tea.
a few minutes later, Fatma walked in holding the little red recorder her mother gave her. although Layla wasn't really interested in Music, but she's somehow memorized a few songs her friend was playing non-stop. Fatma was a huge fan of Abu Baker Salim, but never got the lyrics right. every time she'd sing along, she'd be singing completely different words..Layla always giggled as she heard her sing in the next room.
"i want you to listen to this, you'll love it! it's just the perfect wedding song!"
ever since Layla told her about the engagement, Fatma had placed herself in charge of the wedding, and thrown herself all over the wedding plans and preparations.
"it's not until December Fatma."
"i know! but you don't want to be 'panicking' when it's too late for you to find a proper song!"
she pressed Play, and a traditional Omani wedding song came out of the little old thing.
"isn't this played in every single wedding we've been to?"
"NO! just the best weddings..what do you think? perfect right?"
Layla forced a smile of approval as she was adding sugar to her tea.

Fatma paused the song and sat silent for a minute.. "you're calling him back aren't you?"
"i...i don't know..i need to know what is it he wants."
"suit yourself..he's not bringing anything better to the table. sure, he's a looker, an engineer, and comes from a good family. but he didn't have enough guts to propose!
..she paused for a minute, grabbed a cup and poured herself some of the tea Layla has made.
then went on "Yahya is a charming man, he's just as good looking. okay, maybe life was a little rough on him, and he had to work at the age of 12. but look at him now! a permanent decent job, good salary, and he's graduating from uni in a couple of years. not to mention the sweetheart mother he has! he's got the kindest mother! you're going to have the best mother-in-law!"
"i know...but"
she took Layla's hand in hers as she said: "Layla..you're more than a sister to me, you know that. i just want you to be happy."

layla smiled. as cliché as that might have sounded, she knew Fatma was being sincere. they've known each other for as long as she can remember.

she tightened her grip on Fatma's hand. "thank you."

Later that afternoon

the phone rang. Layla had what would Fatma call 'the panic look' on her face. for a second, she wished if Fatma was home to pick up the phone instead. but she went out to finish gift-shopping. after all, their plane takes off tomorrow night.

her heart was racing, and her hands were shaking as she picked up the phone.
the deep voice that has always got the butterflies fluttering in her stomach came from the other side: "Hello?"
she stood there for a few seconds..trembling.
"Hello? Layla?"
"...yes, Hello"
the were both silent for what seemed like eternity. holding her tears in..she felt as if she was suffocating. Finally he managed to speak another word.
"why?"
"...you never came.." once again they both fell into silence..

"he's my best friend.."

A True Story - Part 1

2008-05-24T15:18:00.018+04:00

1983 - 3rd of April

It's 9 pm, she's just got back from her last day as a university student, throwing herself on the bed and exhaling in relief. It was early April, the weather is perfect in Jordan around this time of the year. just a couple of more days and she'd be back home. the thought of becoming a married woman in just a few months was overwhelming. she stood up with a smile on her face, and walked to the wardrobe, looking for something more comfortable to change into. as she was extending her arm to grab a blue cotton dress, her eyes fell on a little note on the desk. must be from her flatmate Fatma.
the note read: Layla, Ahmed called.
her heart skipped a beat as she read his name..it's been over 5 months since she last heard from him.

"why now?" she thought.. so absorbed in her thoughts, she didn't realize Fatma had made her way through the room and was now standing beside her: Layla? ... Layla?

"Yes?!"
"i was knocking the door, are you ok?"
"oh yes, i'm fine.." she replied smiling. "i'm just anxious about the wedding."
"is that so? Fatma's tone was filled with doubt. "i was almost sure you looked like you were panicking.." the word Panic was one of Fatma's favorite words Layla thought. she's been saying it ever since they first learned it in school.
Fatma went on. "anyway, got the note?"
oh yes..the note, when did he call?
"sometime in the afternoon. he asked if he could speak to you, i told him you're in class."
pausing for a few seconds.. "you don't have to call him back you know.."
"yes..I..I know."
"you're an engaged woman, what is he thinking? when it's.."
"it's alright Fatma.. really. I'll go take a shower now."

1978 - Flashback

"Layla! Layla!" her mother was yelling at the front door.

"yes mama?" shouted Layla as she was running towards the car.
don't forget! you're having lunch at grandma's after school. she came back yesterday."
"inshallah!" she was already waiting impatiently for Wednesday.. Her Paternal Grandparents were her favorite people in the world. she missed them last week, but they had to visit a cousin in the interior.

she got into the car as she was enthusiastically greeting the driver back.
"if you keep coming late everyday, you're going to be late for school, and Ahmed will be late too, madam"
"i know. sorry Azeez.."

Ahmed moved to their neighborhood last weekend, and been riding their car to school with her for the past week. he's a relative she's known all her life, played with him in her old neighborhood back when they were kids.

they're both in their last year of school, even though he's two years older than she is, but she's been a bookworm all her life, she's started school at the age of 9 when they finally opened the first school for girls in Muscat.
she then started taking summer courses to skip a few years and graduate sooner..

Layla has never felt anything for a guy before, they just never seemed interesting enough to distract her from her studies..However, Ahmed was different.
she closed her eyes smiling, as she recalled the first time she saw him last weekend. when he came by asking for her father. she almost felt her feet melt into her shoes, she never knew he was that handsome.

the car stopped in front of his house. he opened the door to the front seat, greeted them, slammed the door shut, and said: "how are you this morning, Layla?"

her heart was beating so loud, she wasn't sure she heard him right, did he just ask how am i doing? "...Alhamdillah. how are you?"
"i'm doing fantastic, thank you."

looking down at her sweating palms.. she thought " i knew today was going to be a special day..the air smelled different the moment i woke up!"
as she rose her head up, she saw Azeez looking at her in the rear-view mirror with a smirk on his face.
he knew..

O' Perfect Template, Where Art Thou?

2008-05-20T10:02:00.009+04:00

i need to be at uni in about...now. haha
i have no idea what am i doing here checking/updating my blog..

remember when i said i'm a very clingy person who's got trouble letting things go? ( our house has been renovated and refurnished twice now, and i still want it the way it was when i was 5 xD)
well..i was looking at my blogroll and let me tell you, 3/4 of them folks have either died, quit blogging or deleted their blog all together! but somehow i can't bring myself to delete the links..it's like i'm hoping someday i'll click on one of them, and there will it be, to my delight, a fresh entry on their supposedly dead blogs! you people suck!

can't blame them though, personally, the more interesting and blog worthy my life gets, the more boring blogging becomes lol, i barely blog once a month. (this month is an exception, i have finals coming up and i have nothing better to waste my time in but update.)

oh yes, almost forgot the reason why i'm actually updating lol..
*clears throat*

"my dearest regular Nella's blog readers,

my apologies if any of you are getting annoyed with the recently frequent template changes. i'm just not settled yet, i don't know what i want..so until i find a template i really like, i'm going to annoy you with this for a little longer i'm afraid..so bear with me..or something lol"

gotta run now, laters!

p.s: things are going according to plan, now all i need is a little bit of luck. even though i've been strangely lucky this week..too lucky in fact. hmm..

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to-do list:

- Study dammit!

- Pray on time.

- Clean the room and start packing. i hate packing, i hate it!!!! ****ing agonizing!

- Do last week's laundry!

yes..the past week has been a lucky one, but that doesn't mean i don't get to procrastinate! that's my all time best thing to do :D i'd procrastinate anytime of the day! oh wait..i already do that.. hehe

Undone

2008-05-15T04:52:00.006+04:00

"I keep comin' back everytime I leave"

1- i hate this state i'm in right now..the 'reality hasn't hit yet' state. i wish if i could realize what just happened in order for me to react the way i will wish i did in about a week or whenever reality is gonna hit me..HIT ME DAMN IT! HIT MEEE!

2- i've been a complete scatterbrain today, and i'm afraid this is gonna last for quite sometime until i breakdown and then start to recollect myself..
BAD TIMING NELLA!! you've got a presentation next week and finals coming up in a couple of weeks.

3- i think i'm gonna fail in one of the subjects i'm taking, it's just too hard! xD and that damn prof has this weird way of coming up with exams. dentistry students are always shaking before entering the exam hall , and crying after leaving it. i on the other hand am pretty much desensitized when it comes to studies, the worse thing that'll happen is that i won't smile in relief once the exam is over. i really hope my kids don't turn out this way. 'Oh god, please let my future husband be a hot nerd.' =P

4- when i kill insects i imagine this little blue light leaving their bodies and heading up to heaven..weird i know, but thats what i imagine every time i kill something. oh, and i never kill ants. 'cause for some reason i start feeling guilty the minute i do. those hard working little things aren't up for breaks.
i've always admired ants, ever since i was a kid.

5- i miss swimming, yup..it's that time of the year again lol, i remember back when we were in grade school, and how we'd walk around el 7osh (backyard) barefoot and get as hot as possible and then run and jump into the pool. it feels GOOD! you should try it sometime.

6- i've been craving qabooli (an omani rice dish, prepared with either meat: laham or chicken: djaaj) laham for the past week. and to top it, i've talked to my grandma today (happens to be the chef who makes the best qabooli i've ever had in my entire life)
haha, everytime we're at my aunt's place (where she lives) for lunch it's either qabooli laham or dajaaj.

my cousins always laugh about it: grandma! they'll get sick of this qabooli if they're gonna have it everytime they're here! two more times and it'll become a tradition.
- Grandma: they like it! you don't have to eat!

ugh, i miss her so much! i miss everyone and everything as a matter of fact, even the ones i don't usually miss, i miss them this time. guess it's coz i'm all alone up here for the first time.
ugh man, i'm crying..

goodnight

Draft Vol.4 (10/8/2007)

2008-05-09T20:59:00.002+04:00

now this draft is missing a LOT of stuff! since back then, i had so much going on, the thought of blogging about it was just tiring lol, but since it's a draft it'll remain unedited. i'll leave it the way it was saved. =)

note: last draft..yay! :p

"things are slowing down.."

it's been awhile since i've posted a serious update, i was thinking of posting something that needed lots of editing, then i changed my mind. it's better to post something fresh and recent.

nothing much has happened recently, my cousins left for their summer vacation, my other cousins returned from their vacation, and we didn't leave to return. sitting here in Oman and enjoying the not so hot weather, i think this summer is cooler that the other past summers, don't you think?

i noticed that i talk about my dreams quite often, and that's because they're more interesting than the real thing xD

apart from the deaths in the family everything is quite normal..swimming, staying up late..the usual summer vacation.

current wishlist

2008-05-09T00:05:00.006+04:00

ladies and gentlemen i present to you my very first materialistic post :P

this the Puma Blackberry wine handbag that i've been dreaming of but couldn't buy 'cause i was broke at the time, remember? lol
but as usual, once i had the money, it was already sold out, and they didn't have any left at the store. i'm jinxed i tell ya..jinxed! =(

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i love Skullcandy.. beautiful. they were outta stock at virgin megastores. they only had a black/gold one which was very unappealing to me lol

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i'm not a heels person, since i'm a 5'6 ..but this, i really want.

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this little baby Coral snake is beyond adorable! i know it's venom is almost fatal, and it's as poisonous as of an adult coral snake. but i was dying for an adult coral snake, now that i've seen this..i want it even more! =(

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and lastly, i have 5 almost empty bottles of perfume, i'm thinking of repurchasing a couple of them and adding this to the collection

that's pretty much it for the time being. nothing interesting i know, but since i have no idea what is it i want right now, i thought i'd post the things i know i want.

sucksville, miserable town..catching my drift?

2008-04-10T06:59:00.007+04:00

do you know what's sad? it's when you realize that you basically blog because 99% of the time your life is just so sad!
either that, or you just love to bitch about the not so bad 1% left. which i tend to do 100% of the time..

i'm feeing so miserable to the point that i'm feeling sorry for myself! i mean if i saw myself curled up in my bed all day, getting off of it just to answer nature's call, then i'm gonna be feeling really sorry for myself. which IS the case! and i also have a feeling i'm gonna regret posting this later on lol..

i mean, god! it's 8 in the morning! and i cannot go to sleep, and i'm really tired- and the screen is blurry and all but still! i just can't stop those thoughts from invading my head. i'm even thinking of erogenous zones for god's sake! and i also feel really sick and probably hung over (if possible) from all the fizzy drinks and ice cream i had.
ok here's a tip, if you're feeling really crappy? like REALLY crappy? do NOT drink 2 cans of Pepsi, 3 cans of mountain dew, and 3 full bowls of ice cream. DO NOT! especially when you rarely drink fizz and you're not too much of a sweet tooth. veeeeeeeeery bad idea..

did you ever want someone so bad! like sooo sooo bad! and like want them right now? this second?
well, that's how i'm feeling right now ...about juicy cheesy pizza! ugh i'd kill for a slice right now.

so..so far i'm feeling: depressed, hung over, sick, sorry for myself, dying for a slice of pizza,

and well.. having absolutely no human contact? is not making it any better! .. and definitely driving me insane. i'm on the verge of insanity here! and the fact that i'm not initiating any human contact either, is making me feel sucky! and well...suckier!

ugh..i mean, i do have a family that happens to care a lot about me, but i just can't make them worry more than they already are!
they are already worried about me stuck all alone in here. even though i'm 21 now, i'm still the very irresponsible daughter/sister to them, and i certainly can not disagree on that right now.. i'm just not cut out for this! i mean, what kinda responsible person would skip their classes and decide to spend the day in bed instead, drinking fizz, and having lots of ice cream on an empty stomach? well, not any responsible daughter/sister i know!

sigh..sometimes i wish if blogging about things you hate, things that are making you feel miserable, make them go away..
too bad blogger is not a fairy..or a witch.. or any other person who can make all of this go away for that matter.

and why do i have the song 'smelly cat' playing non-stop in my head?

A Thoughtless Hermit

2008-03-13T21:48:00.003+04:00

that's what i've become lately.

i really think something is seriously wrong with me..it's like i'm not me!
i usually have a million thoughts a minute..(ok i'm exaggerating) but really, being thoughtless is just not Nellish!

i'm starting to have doubts about the drug i'm currently taking..might be the reason behind the thoughtlessness.

oh, and this is not an update lol, i'm just thinking out loud.

drafts Vol.3 (9/9/2007)

2008-02-11T02:15:00.001+04:00

now this does not make any sense whatsoever lol, the most of it at least..
entry 3 can be a little bit..well, understandable! xD i think..
and if there are any regular readers in the house, i guess you've figured out by now how most of the entries on this blog are rather senseless. sometimes i wonder what am i on about.. so my dear readers, if you decided to go on reading, i'm afraid you'll have to guess what the hell was i thinking when i wrote these..(a few months back)
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oh and I almost forgot: i very much appreciate each and every comment you leave for me..i'm always thrilled when i see comments waiting to be moderated. puts a big smile on my face. actually, i'm just glad you bother visiting my blog..let alone read and drop a comment! seriously, thank you. :)

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"Dear Diary? "

9.9.2007
1:33 AM
Dairy,

i'm still in shock of how racist my father is, i've never
thought he'd ever react like this, not to someone i admire so much.

makes me feel like screaming an apology: i'm sorry! at the top of my lungs, hoping he'll hear it.

sigh..so this makes it what? -40?
oh, and it's been proven Diary, i'm paranoid -_-
..it's tiring when life becomes a mad vortex, but i enjoy it..the pain,
the headache and the dizziness. i really do..
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17.8.2007
Dear diary,

I had a weird dream last night; it's so weird it's funny. I might take it as a sign and do what I did in the dream, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough. It'll be devastating if it didn't happen like the dream. this took me a long while to get over, the 2nd time would be too painful to bear. :(

I hate this time of the year..sigh..My agony will go on for another 2 weeks, if not more -_-

It sucks when it's over..oh well, I just hope I dream of eight-legged shadows again tonight!
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10.8.2007
Dear Diary,

Nizwa is breathtaking! ^_^
the mountains, the clouds, the people, and their Pizza-hut branch xD everything was so beautiful and so delicious! even though it's summer..the weather was exceptionally nice, it even rained a tiny bit.
i gotta say though, my favorites were the mountains. they were no ordinary mountains.

one looked like a Sphinx, some looked like whales and there is one that looked like a witch with a crooked nose, amazing. i've always thought mountains are amazing, and i often feel homesick when i see chains of mountains..i love you Oman.

Just a Thought..

2008-01-20T04:05:00.001+04:00

when the balloon glided out my hand, where did it go?

Drafts Vol.2 (22.7.2007)

2008-01-20T03:39:00.001+04:00

"Oh Father... "

today, I'm sleeping over at my grandpa's ..
and I'm very excited 'bout swimming first thing in the morning ^_^

tonight, when i came down for dinner, my grandpa called me saying : hey um ****** lol, how are you? he placed his hand on my head and ruffled my hair, like a little girl..
i blushed since he never really did that to me before, and I'm 20 now.
it was mostly ear twisting when i was young xD

even though i was a quite girl, but like any other kid, i still did my share of stupid irresponsible things, and therefore got my share of ear twisting, lol.

but the thing is, when i thought about what he did, i started thinking of my father, and i realized..i never hug my dad..
like the other day we were out with mom, and when we came back, dad opened the door and one of my sisters came inside the house and just hugged him.
i felt so weird, and thought: when's the last time 'I' hugged him? how old was I? 10? ..or was I 9?

Drafts Vol. 1 (17/6/2007)

2008-01-07T18:08:00.000+04:00

well, i was looking through my drafts in here. some of them were supposed to be published, i have no idea how did they manage to stay as drafts lol, i was even looking for this particular post through my blog, but i couldn't find it. i thought i deleted it by mistake or something, turns out i didn't.
anyhow..some of the drafts are interesting, so i decided to publish them.

"an Interesting Turn of Events"

the weather doesn't matter..
but it's just too damn hot!!

remember how i used to say, things in my life usually fall into place on their own and they sort themselves out just like that? well..they do!
apart from what my horoscope says..

well, if you're interested, my horoscope says that my love life is finally going well.., and if it meant me swearing off guys then it's right :p

back to things falling into place on their own..

#1: i had an amazing daughter mother day..there was no plan..i just saw her and hugged her and told her how much i miss her and all..and it happened on it's own! automatically.
of course i usually hug my mom but when it comes to telling her how i feel i get tongue tied and end up saying nothing.

later we had lunch together, shopped, talked, laughed and watched Pirates of the Caribbean 3 together! ^_^
#2: yes! i watched it! and as long as it was..i just didn't want it to end, and it's Orlando Bloom's fault as much as it's Johnny's!

bad boys are hot..but good ones are the ones to fall for *sigh*..

so 2 out of the 6 things i wanted to happen happened! now #3 is kinda silly lol..i wanted to have pizza from Pizza hut in Sohar..their pizza is just worth dying for! yum!! and we did ^_^ - we didn't die of course lol..we had the pizza xD - i thought we'll carry out and have it in the car on our way back..but then everyone felt like eating in, and we spent 2 hrs eating and having some good family quality time, knowing we won't be having any once we arrive, since my favorite aunt and her kids are staying with us, 'cause their house is out of electricity and water..thanx to Gonu -_-

it's even better they're here! cause things are triple fun when they're around..too Hectic for mom though hehe..

#4: now i was really worried about the cat..since I'm not only allergic to cats, but they just scare me lol

once we arrived i saw her..she looks exactly like Puss in Shrek..i don't think cats are cute, but this one stole my heart..it's strange and i still can't comprehend it..
anyways..she stole my heart from a distance lol..since i just scream if they get too close to me

this cat is just like a kid..she plays and plays until she's drained and then sleeps..soo kawaii!! (cute!!) and her playing mood is mostly hunting like a lioness lol, and she bites all the time!
she usually looks for anything that moves..and she also likes staring at the hamster (his name is grandpa xD) ..when we get grandpa out of his cage to wander around the place..she just looks at him and then moves around, but once we place him back in his cage, she gets captivated and stares at him for a very long while..lol weird

but whats even more weird is that after 2 hrs or so from us arriving..Kush was lying in the living room, acting lazy, with my family sitting there and watching Tv..i don't know how or why..but i just came down from upstairs..picked her up, hugged her and said: Kush! kawaii!! and then shook her gently..

you should've seen my family's jaws drop lol..if i was sitting with them and saw me holding that cat, my jaw would've dropped as well lol, seriously..

not to make it a very long and detailed entry..she adores me the most! I'm the only one who calls her and not get ignored! well, apart from mom and thats 'cause mom is the one who feeds her :p

#5: i swam! for 3 whole hrs..and it was amazing! i still need to swim and I'm going to today inshallah ^_^

it's been decided! I'll be swimming 4-5 times a week! yaaay!

#6: it was amazing riding with my lil aunt in her new hot Lexus ;)
and we went out 3 times in a 2 hours time! lol...was really nice, we even ran away from a suspicious looking bagger xD

that's all for now i guess..

oh! and regarding that exam i said I'll screw up..i screwed up alright! and i've got my grade to prove it..a shining D lol!

too long i know..bear with me..and if you can't, well..you can't!

I've drove myself insane..

2008-01-07T04:15:00.000+04:00

"You're gone..
You're gone..
Baby you're gone"

i never noticed this song has kissing sounds in the background before..wow..

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i've never felt this way before, not on the same day at least. feeling on top of the world and then hitting rock bottom all on the same day.
life is a rollercoaster afterall..

i need to vent a little.

i just feel like blogging..

2007-12-30T14:50:00.000+04:00

"how can I keep loving you endlessly?"

mood: nostalgic-uncomfortable-almost depressed.
listening to: Dorantes - Orobroy.

doesn't it suck when you have nothing interesting going on in your life? seriously! i went shopping on Friday, and i wasted all the little money i had left. i just wanted to do something refreshing, and shopping to my surprise was the thing!
i'm gonna go all girly on you now lol, but there was this 'puma' handbag that totally killed me! no kidding! but i was too broke to get it. i still think of it every night before going to bed.. =(

yes, i know money doesn't buy you happiness, but when i think of the engagement ring i want, i start thinking that maybe the one who came up with that saying just didn't know where to shop? xD

mom thinks the UAE is just as expensive as Oman or something..
the prices are on fire lately, we can't even afford eggs! right lol..but no really, things are much more expensive than last month! we used to get 3 eggs for just 1 dirham, now it's an egg per dirham!

anyway, on a more serious note: i hate finals, and being me makes them all even worse! 'cause i keep thinking of how i should study and all. then basically, do nothing! =)
ugh! killah min (it's all because of) the first exam! i did so damn good.
if i sucked i would've probably been a little more freakin motivated!

being in the mood i'm in at the moment, makes me miss my mom's smell..

Eid..

2007-12-22T02:50:00.000+04:00

well, first of all..Eid mubarak everyone! ^_^
kinda late..
anyhow, i know you're all dying to know how i spent my Eid (right... lol)
weeeell! i spent it in a hotel room with my family.
it was a life changing experience, or so i want to believe.

it all started right before fajr prayer on the day of Eid..

my parents alarm woke me up. and being the lazy bum i am, i took a little while before i managed to convince myself to get off the bed.
I got out of the room and saw mom praying in the living room. prayed..and i was feeling so fresh and decided to take a look out the window.
a really cool breeze brushed my face and along with it, in came a familiar sound. something I'd be listening to about that same time at home. the only difference is that instead of listening and watching it on T.v, this was live and absolutely amazing! it's like I'm in Mecca. (here) this is exactly what i was hearing, but it was more of a chorus.

people were coming from all around the hotel and heading for the Masjid close by, by that time my sisters were waking up one at a time. we couldn't see the Masjid from our room. but it was quite fascinating how people never stopped coming. like they're all tied together with an endless rope. more people pulling on even more people.

it's weird how the sight was so new yet familiar, so weird yet gave me a very warm feeling. honestly? I'd rather see this every Eid than have the little Eid rituals.

so anyway,
dad was still getting ready for Eid prayer. mom called him to come look out the window. by that time people were already standing in rows, ready for prayer on the street! apparently there wasn't enough space for people in the Masjid nor the area around it. the roundabout nearby was completely covered with people.

he stood there looking outside for a couple of seconds. apparently just as amazed as we all were. then almost like he shook his head, he hurried out. we looked at each other giggling, turned back and continued to watch.

a bull started running with the crowd, which was really funny..kinda like Spain 'cept it was just one bull. i guess he broke loose from a house nearby. (hope they caught him before he hurt anyone or well, wandered off too far. I'm assuming they wanted to slaughter him for Eid, it'll be such a waste if they couldn't. considering how livestock prices shot up this Eid.)

dad decided not to go by car, since the road was closing with the many people standing outside. and the fact that the Masjid was just around the corner. and as he was walking to the Masjid, he turned back and waved at us. then disappeared from sight.

by the time they started praying, the rows formed were all the way from the Masjid (which wasn't in our sight) to the front entrance of the hotel we were staying in.
i haven't been to Umrah nor Hajj so this sight was absolutely breathtaking! mom promised we'd go next summer inshallah. (not the coming summer! NEXT summer..as in Summer 2009) hmm..i might be a teacher by then *day dreams*

this was the most spiritual Eid I've had in my life. made me think of how shallow Eid was to me until that moment.

phew.. this is a very long post! and even though I've just mentioned the first few hours of the first day of a 3 days unforgettable holiday, and i haven't even got to the funny and exciting little details of this Eid holiday! xD
but i think i better stop.

.....well, ok! I'm gonna point out that i went to 'Umm al-Quwain' and 'Ras al-khaimah' for the first time in my life.
the parts I've been to were so much like Oman. i loved them! ^_^
oh! and i saw some parachuters land, and some very beautiful scenery mashallah.
if only i had a cam. i'd share some of the stunning beach views with you.

the clouds were so close to the ground that day. not to mention the chilliness..but i like the cold. ^-^

there were also some thin wide patches of water scattered close to the beach..the reflection of the clouds on that water was just divine! so amazing..

oh well..

laters!

days of mixed emotions..

2007-12-17T22:44:00.000+04:00

"Touched my nose with the tip of his Index, a grin on his face as he said: hey cherry.."

^ one of the many dreams i've been having every night for the past 3 days..i end up sleeping for almost 12 hours! i just like the dreams and the feeling they bring. i just wanna keep on dreaming.

it doesn’t mean my reality sucks, no! Everything is just fine. =D
Dreams aren't my escape lately..thank god!

i'm not celebrating Eid home for the first time in my life..and i have mixed emotions about that, i miss home, and i'm sure i'm gonna miss all the little Eid rituals..but i'm also relieved; knowing that i won't have to go through the torment of all that social stuff and the shopping!

i mean if Eid was celebrated among family only, i'd be the happiest girl in the world! but it isn't. relatives and people i've never seen before come, and i never get enough sleep the night before. i basically have no sleep at all! Sometimes it's the excitement, sometime it's insomnia. but at the end: no sleep!
so around 1 pm i'll be too exhausted to even have lunch (i have it anyway lol)

then i wake up (with not enough sleep) to go out for dinner ( incase there was a reservation) or just a crazy wild cruise and a drive thru with my cousins.
last Eid we watched half of the movie 'Norbit' in the car in that McDonald's drive thru! unbelievable! which reminds me..i never finished that movie..hmm..

oh! and you can't even imagine how broke i am!
i lost all my savings when my handbag got stolen..i really hate myself for carrying all my savings with me in that damn bag! but i thought it's safer when i have them with me. Ah man..
i literally have 50 fils in my wallet. thank god my family is coming tomorrow..i can't afford another meal xD

:: my first final is on the 27th. and i think i'll be studying. unlike last year. i'm actually studying this time. yay for me! lol
and all my profs know me, i usually try to keep a low profile. but this semester i just felt like standing out. it was good profs-wise. but then i got bombarded with requests from girls in my classes, i'm starting to regret it.
"oh Nella, i was wondering if you could help me out with my project."
pfft!
i did manage to escape a few, but i still had to help in a couple. (out of excuses lol)
oh well

:: my sister has graduated 4 days ago. and i have mixed emotions about that..i'm kinda restless actually..she's my life companion.
i do everything with her, she knows me better than i know myself. i still have to spend a year without her in this dumpster.
but at the same time, i wanna see how will i handle life in here with absolutely no backs to lean on. kinda exciting.

wow, it's been a long time since i last updated...

Dango, dango, dango, dango, a big dango family

2007-11-02T09:37:00.000+04:00

Dango! Dango! Dango!

it's amazing the effect music has on me. its like every step i take has a different tune to it, as if i'm dancing through the ups and downs of my life.

i think it'll be cool if we had music playing in the background of our lives. like if something was funny you'll hear laughter. and when you're happy you get happy music, etc..

no it's not annoying! you get used to it. humans adapt easily to the environment around them!

there isn't much to say really.. I've had a terrible flu for the past two weeks and i keep relapsing! looks like it's not planning to leave me alone anytime soon. oh, and did i mention i had my first exams during it? i did quite good though =P 'cept for the one i missed! xD

anyway,
this last week has been a good one. I've been feeling quite content. there was a couple of times when i felt like my feet aren't on the ground anymore, but it was just for a split of a second..
and i'm taking it as a sign.

mood: magical.
listening: Dango Daikazoku

Falling stars and Crazy thoughts.

2007-10-14T06:46:00.002+04:00

I've been seeing lots of falling stars lately..and it looks like I'm not the only one! 'cause TripleTee mentioned the same thing on her blog: "people never bother to look up to see that they actually appear every now and then" falling stars that is, in case you're slow (like me) :P

you should've seen me last Thursday, i was lying on the backyard's ground, with my hands behind my head..staring at the vast pretty space for hours on end. we stayed for a long time at my grandpa's this Thursday. we left around 3 AM! a new record! :P
it was nice..the weather was amazing. and we could clearly see the laser coming from Qurum's Park. it was gently brushing the stars scattered up above. ^_^

the one I've seen this time, fell so vertically. like a drop of water, hanging desperately on the edge of the water faucet, trying not to give up to this hardheaded gravity.
it failed, and fell...

so fast..so straight..so vertical.. and somewhere between my uncle's wall and his banana-like tree.. it vanished. like how fire vanishes when it hits the water. ever saw fire dying into the water? pretty amusing!

anyway, letting you into my hectic days and crazy thoughts that i've been having lately:

:: my cell phone has been dead for almost 8 days now. i have people to congratulate for Eid, but somehow i can't seem to make myself charge the damn thing. maybe I'm too lazy, but it seems like i don't want to..

it's not like i don't miss anyone, or i don't want to talk to them..it's just that..I'll be socializing my very unsocialized ass on Eid, and I'll be suffocating if i had more people to interact with..sigh, or maybe this is just a lame excuse..
I'm not sure really.

:: I'm back to my reading obsession. *happy*

:: I've developed an obsession with motorbikes. it's like i want to ride one ( a black KTM Duke) so bad..it hurts! xD

:: I've decided not to get married until the age of 25. for superficial, materialistic yet ingeniousnesstic << (made this one up) reasons lol..don't ask!

:: i came to understand that i have a very confused allergy.

:: I've stopped using my gift for awhile now, i actually thought i lost it until recently. it just popped in my head; i made that decision myself! the poor gift had nothing to do with it! (stop blaming others for your mistakes dammit!)

:: to whomever is reading this right now: seriously, com'on, lets be honest..are you even getting 20% of what I'm saying?

:: metal (the genre) sends a rush all over my body..i love it! and since no one around me is into it. it feels so special and dear to me. like it's only mine. ( i know it isn't but well...)

:: the word "levitate" has been on my mind for days now..it came to me all of a sudden, and i can't seem to be able to shake it off somehow, i can't stop thinking about it..it's between every two thoughts in my head, thats a lot! if you took into consideration the million thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis.

:: i was never a fan of the British accent. but lately? whenever i think of sexy..i think of it. hot! xD

:: i wrote a poem...lol, Nella wrote a poem haha. and i had good reviews as well. lol the irony. i don't even get the whole poetry business!!

:: there is a 65% chance that I'll be etching a tattoo somewhere around my body whenever my parents aren't looking.

:: for a first day of Eid, this one passed rather smoothly, not so bad actually. uh! thank you god. ^_^

I'm starving..bye now!

Colbie Caillat - CoCo

2007-10-02T00:41:00.000+04:00

You thought we'd be fine

all these years gone by
now your askin me to listen
well then tell me bout everything
no lies we're loosin time

Cause this is a battle
and its your final last call
it was a trial, you made a mistake, we know (cant you see you hurt me soo)
but why arent you sorry, why arent you sorry, why?
this can be better, you used to be happy, try!

this is my favorite album of the year. ^_^ absolutely amazing!
i love each and every song on it.

even though i keep playing certain songs, i'm not sure if they're my favorite, i can't tell which is my favorite. hmm..

it's pure awesomeness! music-wise, voice-wise and lyrics-wise.
her voice is just so warm and calming, and it's associated with wonderful lyrics too.

Bubbly :: video

Track listing:

"Oxygen"
"The Little Things"
"One Fine Wire"
"Bubbly"
"Feelings Show"
"Midnight Bottle"
"Realize"
"Battle"
"Tailor Made"
"Magic"
"Tied Down"
"Capri"
"Older (iTunes Bonus Track)"

laptop

2007-08-17T20:13:00.000+04:00

Well, apparently I like to talk about "nothing" -_-
'cause when I have something to talk about I get tongue-tied (in this case it's finger-tied).

Lots of things happened this summer and I'm not even the least interested to write about them, maybe laters, when I'm back to my sucky dorm room, with nothing better to do =P

Anyways, my laptop died on me a couple of days ago. Maybe it's turning into a habit? I don't know..
I bought a freakin "my book" so I can transfer all my important stuff in it, and I was planning to do so in a couple of days, but now I've lost everything and it sucks..sigh

This Whole incident reminded me of one of my bad laptop days, lol..I still laugh whenever I remember it.
I was online, browsing what could highly be sabla lol, and on the table next to me was a nice full bottle of freshening cold water. Suddenly the phone rang! And it was lying next to me on the bed, I stretched out to grab it and I'm not sure if it 's 'cause I'm clumsy, or maybe 'cause I got excited,
Uhh, or! my laptop was just thirsty.. xD

anyways, I answered the phone with a happy "HI!"
Then stood there frozen as the water poured on my laptop..

Nella: oh my god..
POTP (person on the phone): what?
Nella: water is pouring on my laptop!
(Started drying it.)
POTP: switch it off!
Nella still trying to dry it and still saying: oh my god!
POTP: SWITCH IT OFF!!
(Done drying, and now holding it upside down, with water dripping from it)
Nella: There is water inside!! :'(
POTP: just switch it off!!
Nella: ok.. (Switched it off)
Nella: I'm screwed!
POTP: (laughing)..you should've switched it off when I asked you too!
Nella: am….I was trying to dry it..
POTP: ok, lets hope you're lucky enough that nothing got to the motherboard, just leave it to dry a few days,..ugh! 3aneeda!! (stubborn!!)
Nella: *sniff*.. :(

and I did, left it to dry for three days, and on the third day, I switched it on while saying my prayers xD
And it was perfectly fine! ^_^

So POTP? If you're reading this, thank you! =P

thank you

2007-07-27T04:27:00.000+04:00

I learned from you that I do not crumble

I learned that strength is something you choose
All of the reasons to keep on believin',
There's no question, that's a lesson
I learned from you

I'm grateful for all of the times
You opened my eyes

Thinking: noses, dad, trains, nintendo DS, tattoos and white walls.
Drinking: we're out of cold water..so it's room temp water :(
listening to: one fine wire and feelings show.
watching: D.Gray-man, Claymore, school rumble and prison break.
Missing: someone's laugh.
Doing: trying to keep myself from smiling as I'm typing this. lol

yes i know, this is not a serious update..but the draft i have right now needs some editing and I'm sleepy at the moment..gomenasai!
sigh..i miss blogging! ^_^

and what not..

2007-06-24T05:24:00.000+04:00

doesnt it make you thirsty? it's a drawing btw ;)

Nothing happens in my life! There is so much drama in my cousin's and nothing in mine..and I'm jealous! I need some drama..the last drama I had was running away from that suspicious looking bagger! And I kinda think it doesn't count.. There was no adrenaline running through my veins at the moment.

I'm going to re-read all the Agatha Christie books I've got..well, not all all! But most, since there is a few where I remember the murderer, and it's no fun reading her books when you already know who did it >_>

So my book list for the summer is longer and I'm happier lol

I've been working on this project of my own.. I've been collecting notes and silly stuff that are attached to important memories I have, and now I want to put it all in one huge notebook..so that I can keep it all in one place.
My treasure!
And I can also show it to my grandchildren in the future ^_^ ..if i lived that long.

I'm really excited about it since I've been planning this for 2 years now, and I've been keeping stuff no matter how silly, old, broken they are, for as long as I can remember!

I have this blonde doll my mom got me when I was 8..it's missing an arm and her hair is in absolute disarray..but it's alive and it's safely kept on the upper shelf of my closet. I can't mention her name since you'll probably start rolling on the floor laughing :P

and i have this ancient orange peelings that has been cut to four letters : L O V E

isn't that romantic? :P

...there is so many stuff I wanna buy, but I'm broke. And it doesn't feel so good being broke :(

but I gotta admit I'm happier than ever, detaching myself from many things I used to be attached to, has giving me a better sense of..of..well, a better sense of something..and it's something good ^_^

Ja naa!

Arwen?

2007-06-09T04:32:00.001+04:00

I just had a wakeup call
Wishing that I never let you fall
Baby your not to blame at all
When i'm the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I care
You never would’ve went nowhere
I should have been right there

Watching: Claymore, Daa! Daa! Daa! and Oman TV
Wishing: i was back home..
Drinking: water..
Missing: Home..
Worried about: Kushka
Thinking: grief, hugs, Books, fire, black nail polish and nuggets

my mom just told me I'm cold! :S and even if i care i don't show it!

i just don't feel so good right now..
and I'm so so so so tired..I'm in a (i wish i can sleep and never wake up) mood...

second final exam..Hall 9

2007-06-03T05:00:00.000+04:00

days are passing so slowly this week..of course if i was the studying type I'd like it, since I'll be having more time to study..but I'm not!

i screwed up in today's exam..the thing is, i focused on the hard part thinking I'm not quite good at it..turns out I'm good! i answered all of the them correctly ^_^ ...i think

anyways, got the paper and stared at the first question:
umm,..................ok
lets move on to question 2 and come back to this later
2nd question: .........................

now sweat drops were forming on my forehead..with the thought of : 'I'm screwed! 20 marks gone!!"

took a deep breath and calmed myself down..flipped the page and moved to question 3, then I started answering all the Qs i know..turns out I'm quite good with mathematic stuff lol ..i guess i got all 30 right.

after revising twice, I went back to page one and started squeezing my brains hoping I'll remember something.
5 minutes have passed and my body started to ache from sitting for almost an hour on that uncomfortable chair..
plz remember something Nella! anything!

then..a ray of light came through and i remembered the answers of two Qs.. started to feel better and tried to remember the answers of the other 2 Qs..no use.
so I gave up, and answered depending on my point of view..which is highly wrong lol

i gotta admit that the thought of writing some stupid stuff like: plz don't fail me or something as stupid did come across my mind, and was somehow tempting lol

then, I went to Question two..which was a one line question that said : describe bla bla bla in details.

and i had to fill that whole page!
it was a 10 marks question!
i tried and tried but nothing came to me..so i decided I'll answer it in my own Nellie way! ^_^

as i was answering i realized my Arabic is getting worse..and then thought..I'll have to start reading some good Arabic books once exams are over..i have a few in mind..

you should stop reading now 'cause things are going to get cheesier xD

we had three Doctors monitoring the class..3 men..

Dr. 1: an Egyptian funny man who kept joking.

Dr.2: an Iraqi strict with a loud voice..he kept yelling, for some reason >_>
i remember seeing him b4 in the uni's corridors but i've never spoken to him or anything..and the weird thing is, when he first came in he looked at me and smiled..i thought: maybe he's smiling to the girl behind me.

then i noticed that he kept smiling at me whenever i raised my head..wasn't sure though.. but when i was done and handed him the paper he smiled at me again..i was like :S ok... now I'm sure it's me lol

Dr. 3: this one was absolutely charming! an Iraqi doctor..i've seen him b4, he's not that old.. I'd say early 30s, and since i have this habit of sniffing when a good looking man approaches lol..i sniffed, and he smelled so good! xD

now i know what you're thinking! of course you screwed up the exam! you weren't paying attention!

i was! seriously..i just sniffed when he gave me the paper..
umm, and when he came to check my I.D and all those other weird silly procedures..but thats about it! i promise!

he looks religious with quite a big yet well-trimmed beard..but seriously! hot! lol

once he asked for the I.D i got all nervous and tried to hand it so that i don't touch his hand. It was kinda funny how both of us tried holding it in many different ways just to avoid touching hands...
well, we ended up touching xD twice!

one more exam and I'm off..All the best to me! ^_^

Realizations

2007-05-30T09:37:00.000+04:00

If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Note: before you go on reading..i have this major headache right now..something i haven't had in about 3 years, so THIS might just be the result of the chemical explosions happening inside my skull at the moment..

I just realized that:

1. I'm so self-absorbed to the point that it's not funny anymore! i noticed that I rarely think about things going around me..if it has no Nella in it then I don't think about it..which to me is very wrong!

2. my life is so boring..it hurts to wake up everyday.

3. I can actually play the piano! ^_^

4. I love caps.

5. I had so many goals to achieve when i was 13..7 years have passed and I'm not one step close to any of them..

6. working out feels good!

7. I wear my glasses once every two weeks..only!

8. I noticed that when my heart is involved my brain stops functioning..and same goes if it was my brain..my feelings just can't get involved..aren't they supposed to be partners? work together?
isn't known that we should think with both our heart and mind? if i was thinking or into an emotional state..i just stop growing mentally..
and now i just don't feel that much..and I'm pissed! lol

this thought is getting me down..it sux to feel so...Deficient..and somehow stupid..

is it cause I have so much on my mind to think about other things? then again, shouldn't i be trying to get rid of all these Nella-thoughts? so that I get the chance to think about other important things? ugh..nevermind

9. my diet is very very very unhealthy! i've been eating shawarma for three days now! xD

10. I miss reading..

11. my phone is outta battery! I don't even know how..since i charged it yesterday and it never rings!

12. I’ve made some ppl in my life a priority, when I'm just an option in theirs P.s: thanx sweetness lol

13. I have nothing better to do thats why I'm blogging!

oh look..if it isn't lucky 13! ^_^

hm?

2007-05-28T21:08:00.000+04:00

well, I've passed my teenage days..i don't know why I'm still so damn confused lol

is it true that when you're too nice, you become more like a doormat
and people start walking all over you?

well, i've been asking this Q to almost everyone i know and they keep telling me being too nice is ok, as long as you don't care for the wrong people..well, how am i supposed to freaking tell who's worth it and who's not? I'm no psychic! I'm just a too nice 20 year old..umm, woman?

ugh, why can't people be a bit easier to figure out?
i was fine being an anti-social..I was doing perfectly fine.
I'm still not social but now i know some people..and it's pretty tiring..relationships suck! all kinda relationships!

sigh...i mean can't they just be the real them before i get attached? at least i wont give a damn when i let them go..but i guess there is no pleasure without pain..wait..what am i talking about? what pleasure? xD

i need food..haven't had a thing all day and it's almost over..

oh well, until i know who's worth it and who's not, noodles..here i come.^_^

Mixed Emotions..

2007-05-25T04:02:00.000+04:00

I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me
I still feel your touch in my dreams
Forgive me my weakness but i don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive

'cause eveytime we touch
I get this feeling
and eveytime we kiss
I swear i could fly
Can't you feel my hear beat fast
I want this to last
Need you by my side.

yaaay! at last! ^_^ we've finished KH2! (kingdom Hearts 2) ..umm,...to the ones who don't know what am I talking about..its a playstation game.

i was holding my breath at the end hoping no one dies..and no one did! ^_^ awesome ne?

anyways..letting you into my daily life..my first final is on the 27th..and I'm not done studying..actually i just read a couple of pages..I'm not feeling guilty or anything really..but today while talking to mom she asked how's studying going and if I'm ready for finals..
I said: going great! ^_^

i lied..and now i feel weird.. :(

I'll be getting a good mark anyways..but..i don't know..it's just with mom, whenever i lie to her..i feel guilty..

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is out! and i can't wait to finish finals and go see it..i don't care if it's not as good as the first two..i don't care if it sucks! it's a 2 hour and a half of Johnny Depp..thats all that matters to me ^_^
..superficial, i know..but well,..it's Johnny Depp, i really can't help it.

I'm literally counting down the days till I'm back home..i miss mom, my sisters, dad, home..my bed.. i miss Oman..the roads of Muscat..the smell of palm tress in my Grandpa's Farm.. and the water! i miss swimming like never before..sure i look forward to summer every year so i can soak myself for hours in the swimming pool..relaxing my whole body so it starts floating on its own..but this time its different..it's like i need to be in water..
just can't wait!
..feels so good when the water goes through your hair..as if it was playing with it..

oh well,...2 weeks to go! ^_^

this is a song I'm so into lately..thought of sharing it with you..here:
Cascade - Everytime We Touch

P.s: I need Pizza :'(

..........

2007-05-22T09:06:00.001+04:00

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

thinking: Wind,..Sleeping,..hands..Swimming pool..
Listening To: Lost to Apathy
Doing: staring into space..
Missing: myself 6 Months back..
Playing: Tekken 5
Watching: Naruto: Shippuuden 14

A day in the life of my Mailbox

2007-05-20T17:20:00.000+04:00

From: Nella's friend
To: Nella
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 8:42 PM

Nellie girl!

How are you? Still dreaming about swimming? Cool water and not a care in the world?

What are you thinking about lately?

----------------------

From: Nella
To: Nella's friend
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 9:03 PM

i'm doing fine thank you..yourself?

i get excited when i receive a message lol..'cause it's mostly you and i somehow look forward to your messages

no I'm not still dreaming about swimming..i've found something better to do..counting down the days till I'm in the water!

well,..lately I'm thinking of..umm, trusting people..

it's not fair! ..some people leave after making it so hard for you to trust again..and when you meet someone new you get all confused and not sure what to do..it wont be fair not to trust them 'cause of someone else's doing! ..it's their chance after all, but then again..they might hurt you the same way the ones before did..

sometimes i wish i was a seer.. foretelling the future..it sure will avoid a lot of pain and disappointment..

..am i making any sense? funny how am always complaining to you..i always manage to find something to complain about xD

hope you and you're family are doing well..Take care

-----------------------------------

From: Nella's friend
To: Nella
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 9:21 PM

Awww, Nellie, you make me blush... I look forward to seeing your name on the screen..."Nella...Nella...Nella..." It always makes me smile...like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. I'm always in a better mood after I see you around...even if I thought I was in a good mood to start with...

And I LOVE to hear you complain! You were talking about trust; that's what it feels like. When you trust me and tell me what's in your heart, it's a bit magical. Like you would feel if you were sitting in a park and a bird suddenly came and landed on your finger! Ohhhh...! Keep still! Don't disturb it! Look at it carefully with wide eyes. Be very careful and maybe it will come back again...or stay awhile...or clean its feathers a bit...or close its eyes and take a nap right there on your finger! And you can feel its little heart beating so fast beatbeatbeatbeatbeat!

I think you have to decide who to trust on a case by case basis. But there are only two choices in a general way for dealing with people:

1. To refuse to get hurt any more and get hard like a rock; or

2. To decide to allow yourself to get hurt and take risks and trust anyway.

I think General Attitude number 2 is the better way. Love always involves pain, but without trust there is no love. And keeping yourself closed off ends up hurting you worse than anything else in the world.

But...you will get beat up and abused. People suck. But at the same time: people are wonderful!

I think the trick--to the extent there is a trick--is to learn slowly to replace instinctual trust with a decision to trust. You learn to keep your eyes open and to love and trust while expecting pain and knowing that you will be let down.

When you are getting ready to trust, ask yourself: Am I ready to risk getting hurt? And if you are: then trust--and hope for the best. And sometimes, you will get a happy surprise instead of any unhappy one. Because life is sad and miserable and people are more horrible than you think. But also: life is lovely and beautiful and people can surprise you with how much more beautiful they can be than you expect!

They can be like sun on the branches or a bird landing on your finger when you least expect it. And then you remember that life is worth living.

----------------------------------

From: Nella
To: Nella's friend
Date: 18/5/2007
Time: 9:48 PM

oh my..seriously? every message from you is like a lesson! I'm so glad you're my friend ^_^

and life goes on

2007-05-08T21:12:00.001+04:00

i know i always complain..i know i get easily depressed..well, I'm not doing it this time you know why? coz life is good to me lately..really, feels like everything is falling into place

isn't weird when you think to yourself that it all sucks and nothing is going right in your life before going to bed and once you wake up and start your day..all the things you wanted to happen are happening?

i don't even dream now..well, for a few days now.. and it's a relief really..it's like, i don't have to worry when I'm sleeping and i don't have to worry when I'm up! isn't that just awesome?

i also realized that sometimes you just can't do the things you want to do, even if you wanna do them so bad..there is something stopping you and i think it's..well, i don't know what it is..but its there! ok?
true! I'm a very senseless human being but lately it feels like there is this line that i just cant cross! imagine this pile of gold 10 feet away from you, and you can almost smell it! but between you and the gold is this line that you just cant cross! its like your feet wont move!
as bad as you want it you know its wrong to have it, coz it's not yours obviously! ugh ok! i suck when it comes to giving examples..but I'm really tying.
anyways..so thats how i feel..lol i guess the line I'm talking about would be common sense.

now I'm going through a desensitizing point..and I'm feeling good about it..i have this "over" thing going on with me since..i was born!
i overcare and therefore overreact, overbla, overbla...overetc, ....and guess what? I ain't doing it anymore.. coz when i overcare i get worried..and I'm worried I'm down..and when I'm down I'm not happy! so in order to be happy..i just have to loosen up a bit and don't give a **** about it. simple ne? ^_^

a week ago..i was complaining to a dear wise friend of mine about someone..he told me what he thinks and how i should handle it.
lets just say that i wasn't strong enough to go with his advice..but somehow it kinda happened on it's on..it just worked itself out! how lucky can someone be? note: I'm usually jinxed..no kidding ..i'm contagious! i jinx the ppl around me >.<
I'm kinda getting worried though..my entries are getting shorter lol..i'm not even that talkative anymore!

Rubbing it off

2007-05-05T04:59:00.000+04:00

so i was wondering the other day about the things that get rubbed off on us without us wanting them..

i personally blame my subconscious lol :P no really..think about it..if someone you know had this horrible habit or quality that you utterly detest! yet coz of former experiences you find yourself scared of them rubbing it off on you due to the daily interaction between you and them.

ok..to make it more clear I'll share a former experience k?

i had this Bahraini friend who used to say hindia (indian) instead of stupid..and it was really getting on my nerves to the point that i told her : why do you associate Indians with stupidity? thats kinda racist you know!

anyways..days went by and I went back home for my summer vacation..and guess what was the new word added to my dictionary? yup! hindia! xD

now even though i really hated HER saying it..I became the one saying it! and it came out of my mouth all on it's own! very naturally..

you just get used to it, and unconsciously start using it..what does that tell you? that I have no personality? that I'm very insecure to the point that I'm afraid of such things rubbing off on me? should i be more sure about myself? well, WRONG! thats not it..it happens all on it's own ok? sure you can control it..i mean..I'm not saying hindia anymore, but the point I'm trying to make here is..it has nothing to do with my personality nor insecurity!

expectations and some other stuff

2007-05-03T04:43:00.001+04:00

in two weeks time I'll be studying for my finals which'll start at the end of this month..true i only have 3 subjects to study this semester but they're kinda hard so I'll be studying..

sigh,..been almost two years since i actually did something that I'd call studying..now i know thats bad lol, but i kinda forgot how to study properly and i get As anyways..

my family came to visit last weekend..and it was by far the best weekend i've had in years! i just had a very pleasant time ^_^

i ate what i wanted to eat..i watched the movie i wanted..i had the Nachos i wanted lol, stayed up all night laughing my ass off with my sisters, spent a very nice time in the car with my parents..talking about everything from politics and religion to food, Japanese and playstation lol! -my dad doesn't know how to play playstation but he likes watching us play..silent hill is his favorite game..like me and all of my sisters :P
seriously..nothing better than dad calling us upstairs to play instead of studying ;) -

also something kinda funny happened to me while i was flipping Metal CDs in Virgin megastore in Dubai city centre..as we all know, Virgin D.J's and workers are super HOT! lol
tall, broad chest, sharp eyes and tattoos *faints*
anyways. I'm kinda into Metal lately and i've never checked it's section before so i thought i should..unfortunately i was the only one standing there and i was wearing Abaya..

once i stepped foot into the section this lady came and asked me if I'm looking for something..of course i knew that she probably thinks I'm lost and came in the wrong section -_-

i looked at her..smiled and said : oh..no, I'm just looking around.. ^_^

and then said :thank you!

*lost data*

A piece of my mind

2007-04-27T23:30:00.000+04:00

Sigh..

I was trying not to sigh for a week now..and its not going so good, my ribcage hurts when I breathe now, I think it’s because of the so many unsighed sighs trapped in lol! Well, I’m kinda serious here..ahem..

I noticed that I think about “what happened” more than “what will happen next” I’m always looking back and its keeping me there I guess..

You know what sux more than someone close to you getting depressed? Well, everyone around you getting depressed! Im trying to live with it and hoping it wont last that long..but so far..everything is just the same..

Depression is in the air!

Why am I so talkative with some (very few) ppl and almost mute with others?

its bothering me! I’m not sure if I’m talkative or not..i mean, I’m mostly quiet (surprisingly) but with some (again very few) ppl I just cant freakin shut up! Its like I want them to know everything I know, everything I think about, everything I feel and even my random useless thoughts..seriously just the other day I went : hey! I’ve learnt a new thing about me today and I’ve also learnt a new word! ^_^

now who would really be that interested in knowing such thing? -_-

I mean, unless you want to make fun of me and go : oh! Oh! That’s awesome! Plz! Do tell! This is very interesting! ^_^

LOL! I’d laugh if someone did that by the way..just imagining hahaha

Anyways..all the above is useless wondering of Miss Nella’s..the real update is the following :

Nella’s “to do” list May 2007

1- Stop counting!

2- Less thinking about every tiny lil thing..yes, including what the bus driver might be feeling at the moment XD

3- Stop drinking 3 bottles of barbican a night..it sure feels like beer and its powerful enough for you swallow your tears..but it’s just tempo so..quit dammit!

4- Should consider taking a vacation away from Neverland and go somewhere new..umm, maybe..Reality?

5- Call grandma!

6- Wash clothes.

7- Talk to the dorm’s supervisor about the hallway’s broken light.

8- Clean the dusat off SHANTARAM and read it.

9- For once..not care.

10- Sleep…( I’m very very very tired….)

P.S: i've never had beer before..im just assuming..and what i'm counting is NOT money! i wish it was though :P

dreams, signs and shooting stars : chapter 1 (dreams)

2007-04-15T16:06:00.000+04:00

lately i've been having weird dreams..things that don't make much sense all together but once it's interpreted it has all sorts of signs..but signs will be discussed later on..now lets focus on dreams

4 years back i used to think: hey! how come most of my dreams are not that interesting? and the ones that might be are lost somewhere in my skull - thats 'cause i don't remember the ones i wake from crying or well, feeling weird - i wish i had interesting dreams..i wish i have an interesting life lol..then again if i led an interesting life, i wont find other ppl's lives that interesting and..well, i really like being fascinated by such..ummm, baloneys :P

well, I'm more like a perfectionist..you know? the ones Oprah makes fun of? yup..i like to start my new plans and resolutions by the beginning of the week/year/decade/century/whatever and i end up doing nothing XD

lol of course no one lives a whole century..well, some do, but i really don't want to live that long..hey! imagine i live a 100 years! ugh just the thought of it XD
again i really don't mind the wrinkles..but i really really really mind outliving my loved ones

hey! i just noticed! I'm 2 decades old! coool! and in 5 years I'll be 25! hmmm,..by the time I'm 25 I'd like to have my 1st kid ^_^ that'll be nice..

ugh focus! focus dammit! i mean..what does being a perfectionist have to do with me starting my plans at every week/decade? sigh..and my 1st baby? and the topic is about dreams..my god the unbelievable straying! XD

why do i always start talking about something and then drift elsewhere? not a good habit..especially if the one you're talking to is..well, never mind
it'll just get me drifting again..

so where were we? ^_^ oh right..dreams

yeah..lately my dreams are very weird and i keep asking for interpretations..like the night b4 last night i had this dream with me bleeding so much..it was unbelievable the amount of blood i had in me lol..i mean i bled so much! but i still didn't get the interpretation for this one..

once i do and it's worth mentioning or not too personal..i will share it with you guys ok? ^_^

and last night well, i had this weird, crazy and silly dream..i dreamt... well, i was waiting for a reply to an SMS i sent b4 going to bed and the dream was : me checking my phone and receiving the reply lol! i swear hahaha..and it was so irrelevant!
i mean..the reply was : " penbar =P "
LOL..wth? XD what's penbar? some sorta code?
i mean..i don't get it in real life and the one i get in my dream is so damn ugh! stupid!

anyways..

i have two dreams in my whole life that I'd call interesting..the first one starts like this :

characters : Nella, Nella's mom, Nella's grandma, Nella's older sister and Nella's younger sister (M)

i was coming back home (it wasn't my real home btw..but in the dream it was) and i came in with my older sister..went up the stairs to the main door and there was my mom and grandmother, standing there as if they're waiting for us..

Nella and her older sister : hey ma ^_^ hey grandma!

mom and grandma: hey girls! ^_^ ..Nella?

Nella: yes?

mom and grandma pointing at a huge pile of huge gift boxes wrapped beautifully : this is for you ^_^

Nella: for me? (surprised) wow...I..I..thanx? (blushing and embarrassed lol)

then her sister frowns and goes inside without saying a word

Nella standing silently for a minute and then: whats wrong with her? :(

mom and grandma: oh honey never mind her ^_^ now are you going to open your gifts?*

Nella: well,..

then comes her younger sister from inside..she sees Nella and jumps on her.. starts hugging and kissing

M: Nella!!!

Nella *shocked* : hey..

M: hey! ^_^ ..oh! i forgot something! be right back

she goes in and comes back with a baby's blanket and then mom and grandma say: hey! lets go to the roof

Nella thinking to herself : the roof? :S

the four of them go to the roof and there her younger sister puts down the blanket and asks Nella to sit.
Nella sits on it and stares at the sky.
note: the roof's wall was pretty short for me to stare at the sky while sitting and the blanket was so beautiful :P

there shines so brightly five huge stars on the horizon, and the one in the middle was 3 times bigger than the other four..all in a perfect horizontal line
note: one of the most amazing sights i've ever seen..once i see the aurora..live! i might change my mind hehe :P

Nella sits there breathless, then her mom and grandma say: those are yours..

Nella: mine? you mean the stars? *shocked*

Nella's mom, grandma and younger sister (M) smiling warmly at her : yes.

and then I'm up..sitting on my bed..staring at my hands..i don't know why but i was staring at my hands..and i was feeling..well, i can't describe the feeling..it was indescribable

*: no ones treats me this nice and ignores my older sister..she gets most of the attention and well,..everything in real life.

thats it folks! ^_^

P.s: too long to start talking about my other interesting dream..stay tuned though..
i might just post it later ;)

and hey! i watched 300 ^_^ at last! lol

things that dont make sense..in a more senseless way

2007-04-08T21:41:00.001+04:00

this is not gonna make sense so if you wanna have a headache trying to figure what the hell am i blabbering about then..get an aspirin ready..

ready?

ok..

1. so we all know chocolate take you to a better place..wait..do we? i personally don't understand the passion for chocolate..i crave it..rarely, but it never took me to a better place! well, i did notice that i act like a drunk when i have a lot..i once had 10 galaxy ripple :P boy! they had me eating dinner outside just so that i don't go wild in front of the whole family..yes i did gain weight that night :P

2. i really think this is a man's world..they just have more fun! besides, where i live men make the rules..so why on earth would they make rules that'll be for women's good? lool! seriously

3. i think men's mentality -even though it differs from one to the other- is very interesting! they honestly don't understand us! now if you're asking : do they bother understanding? then i don't really know..
but i assure you, they find us hard to read..just like how we think they're messed in the head for not understanding very clear things..then again, are they really clear? or just because they're clear to us we think they're clear to everyone else?

4. this is gonna contradict with number 3 : men are so predictable! or maybe the ones i know are..maybe god made them predictable so we can have this little understanding we do? I'm not sure, but really..men need to work on their surprising skills..lol

4. i stopped drinking soda..no..it's not coz I'm going healthy, it's just that i stopped for awhile and now i can't drink them..feels like pouring acid in..i can't believe i used to drink that burning ****!

5. we all claim to like honesty and we want the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth..so why do you get upset when it's not a convenient one? and why do we lie when we know the truth is the better way out? is it in our nature to lie? is that why lying is a sin? cause we'll lie eventually?

6. i've put my gift to the test, and up till now it's working fine..now I'm not sure if it really is a gift so I'm gonna run it through some more testing ^_^

7. what's meditating? is it that you sit relax and think? or sit relax and not think? coz the 2nd i understand..but the first..i mean how can you relax if you're going to think! thinking is so damn stressful!

they say 7 is a lucky number..and I'm so unlucky! so I'm just gonna keep them 7..for good luck ^_^

hey! this is weird..i so feel like chocolate! lol..the irony XD

Tuesdays with Morrie

2007-04-04T12:43:00.000+04:00

One of the most inspiring and touching books I’ve ever read..

Even though I wasn't that enthusiastic about reading it..
I just grabbed it one day off my sister's bookshelf and started reading..

I highly recommend it to anyone who's into reading..and to the people who don’t read..i just can’t understand you >.<

It opened my eyes to many things I’ve never noticed nor thought about before..
reading it makes you think about life, emotions, death, etc.. from a total different angle

here are some quotes from the book:

"Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won’t be dissatisfied, you won’t be envious, you won’t be longing for somebody else’s things. On the contrary, you’ll be overwhelmed with what comes back."
"You know what that reflects? Unsatisfied lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven't found meaning. Because if you’ve find meaning in your life, you don’t want to go back. You want to go forward."
"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."
"Death ends a life, not a relationship."
"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."
"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling."
"When you're in bed, you're dead"
"Love wins. Love always wins."
"As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed as ignorant as you were at twenty-two, you'd always be twenty-two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."
"Love each other or perish."
"Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."
"Don't hang on too long, but don't let go too soon."
"Without love, we are birds with broken wings."
"Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?"
"If the culture doesn't work, don't buy it."
"If we can remember the feeling of love we once had, we can die without ever going away."

It is the true story of Brandeis University sociology professor, title personage Morrie Schwartz and his relationship with student Mitch Albom. Both the film and the book chronicle the lessons about life that Mitch learns from his professor, who is dying from Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease.

i wanted to post more..but it'll just spoil it

it being a true story makes it even more interesting ^_^

it really is one of life's greatest lessons..

Currently reading : SHANTARAM

by: Gregory David Roberts

Full Metal Alchemist

2007-04-02T20:04:00.000+04:00

one word: awesome!

this anime is a must watch! to everyone..even the ones who can't stand anime lol =P
i watched the first few episodes 'cause my sister was into it and i wanted to check it out..it was very interesting but i stopped watching after a few episodes coz something happened in it that broke my heart XD ..i continued watching later on..after i got a bit over it

anyways..i finished it and watched the movie which is amazing as well..and now i feel like i need more full metal :( ..im so sad it's over

attention : this anime might be the best anime ever..other animes won't be as good after watching this =P

well, here is a brief description :

In this world, there exist people with special abilities to manipulate objects and transform those objects into other objects. These people are known as alchemist. However, this manipulation process does not come without cost, as the basic alchemy rules stated that something with equivalent cost is needed to perform the manipulation. The main character is a famous alchemist named Edward Elric, who loses his little brother Alphonse in an accident. Edward manages to contain his brother's soul in a large piece of armor suit. However, merging the soul and body of the dearly departed comes with great cost, so the two brothers must embark on a journey to find a mysterious power amplifier which can reduce the cost to manipulate objects greatly.

not a very clear description..thats why i posted it ^_^ ..it's better when you don't know much b4 watching ;)

I'm So Sick and Tired

2007-03-29T07:59:00.000+04:00

I’m sick and tired of..myself!
Here comes some complaining guys..

1. I’m super lazy since I was umm, born? nah..but I’ve been lazy since I was a teenager
Which is pretty annoying..
'cause even though my body is lazy..my spirit is always hyper lol..and that's not coordinated!

2. i noticed that i don't eat when I’m happy..and lately I’ve been stuffing myself with anything you can call food or..smililar

3. Ok, so the "stronger" songs are not doing the trick..I can manage through the day but the nights..my god! Torture!
And I can hardly stop myself from getting off my bed and do what I’ve been stopping myself from doing the past week..no I’m not an addict..well, not to anything known to be addictive

4. I need to do something extremely crazy..pronto! I’m officially losing it! And I’d really appreciate suggestions..

5. I’m home..and as glad as I am to be with my family for the weekend..waking up in the morning and getting all the memories..i can't believe everything in my life was going perfectly smooth 2 months ago! Sometimes I can be such a pain in my own ass! ugh...

6. Even though I know I should've handled it differently? a part of me is very grateful I haven't and now I’m not sure which part is it..the part that wants the best for me? Or the self-destructive one? seriously..i'm my worst enemy..thats why I need help..don't leave me alone..i eat myself from the inside..slowly..

7. I usually go running..well, once a year? XD and they say exercising makes you happier..and since I can't swim yet. I’ll try that once I’m back to that ******** dorm.

8. I hate how I eventually turn my problems into motives..i don't know..that crap about me being a better person I guess..it's good I know..but I want to umm, screw up sometime and let it be screwed! Or screw it even more.

9. I hate people who start listening to rock/metal and start this whole theme of excessive black eyeliner, wearing black with some other stuff that won't match no matter what! and not washing their hair and putting lots of hair Gel on..Their whole freakin mentality changes! They’ll be like: I need drugs and I wanna die or worship Satan coz hey! I listen to death metal!
I mean seriosuly..wtf? Life is not a costume party people! Or is it? I don't know..but plz! Be original! For MY good!

10. I feel like I’m becoming more like my father eveyday..and I don't even have the right! i mean..if I was dad? I can do whatever I want and be excused..but this whole not practice what I preach is getting to me. I mean I know what's right from wrong -mostly- and I keep doing the wrong! Note: after I tell everyone else they should do the right thing!
I know! Evil!!! >.<

11. There is no eleven I just wanted to say that now I know my best friend's name. It’s Allen

Kids..

2007-03-25T17:59:00.000+04:00

i wish i could turn back time..or at least go back in time..just to see that little Nella laughing, playing around and opening her eyes wide open and smiling widely when she sees or hears something new and interesting she never saw or heard before?
..i still do that btw, lol..the opening my eyes and smiling widely..

wasn't it nice? when we had no worries? when nothing made sense and it was ok with us?
when all our concerns were candy and toys?

life can be so hard once you grow up to understand..why did the world change once we grew up? why is there hating? hunger? gossip? selfishness? enviousness? etc..

later on we come to understand that they were always there but we only came to understand what going on around us..
we just didn't notice them..
all of the hating, the gossip..even war..we never knew that when we wanted more candy, kids in Africa were dying from hunger..we didn't know that when i was going to school and worrying about my homework..Palestinian kids were worrying about reaching school alive..

i think that there is a part of us which will always want to be a kid again..each for it's own reasons, but the part in me that wants to go back is fairly big..thats why i think I'm too naive and childish..that's why I'm so irresponsible and I look at people as all good and nice and treat them that way..nicely

lots of not so good childhood memories i have, lots of not so good teen hood memories i have and lots adulthood memories i have..and i will cherish them all..along with the good ones..

i noticed that bad memories make me smile when i remember them..and good ones make me sad..maybe coz I'm glad the sad ones are gone
and sad the good ones can never be repeated?
i don't know really..but i really wanna go back to being a kid..

life really was rainbows and butterflies..

again?

2007-03-22T18:37:00.000+04:00

i just had three different experiences in less than 36 hours..nothing special really..but it felt like a tornado..had a great impact..somehow

experience #1:
i met someone who's almost like me..she's extremely adorable and we have so much in common i felt like i was talking to myself..the things we like, the thing's we've been through..well, it's not like i know her very well but i just felt like i was looking in a mirror and talking to the image reflected..of course the image wasn't me lol..it was her image but it felt like the one i usually talk to is finally smiling back at me..

she told me about her imaginary friend and i've found it astonishing..

i do have someone i could call an imaginary friend but it's not exactly that..its been almost a month since we met..i don't know her name yet..i needed some fresh air so i went for a walk outside and stood there watching the sunrise..it was quiet a meeting and from that day on we became so close..we talk for hours and she's just like my shadow now
but i still don't know her name
she looks exactly like me..except that she's the opposite? personality wise

she's mean lol..and very sure of herself..i won't call her the best in me..i don't see being mean as the best in anyone..she's strong and determined..she's not the type who'd look back..

yup! the exact opposite

i like how she listens but i really don't like how she reacts to my actions..she keeps calling me stupid and childish..even though mostly? it's all just that...

?: you should try and think of yourself first sometimes..you don't honestly think you'll be getting something in return for being nice or honest or loyal or any of that are you? why do you keep caring for people who won't even have second thoughts of you?

Nella: well, its just how i am..

?: well, this 'you" should be up for some changes..you're too nice for you're own good..

Nella: why is everyone saying this? what's wrong with being too nice anyways?

?: lol..well, why would they bother telling you such a thing anyways? too nice is just gonna be turned on you..

Nella: oh...well..

?: btw, im quiet pissed at what you've been doing recently..

Nella: what?

?: why do you open your heart and pour it all out once you get emotional? and seriously that joke was so uncalled for

Nella: i don't know what came to me..i just said it

?: oh well, next time? zip it!

Nella: why do you keep yelling? im right here you know!

?: well, you're just too naive and it's...it's annoying!

Nella: can we talk about something else plz?

?: yeah ok..how about we talk about what you've been hiding? it's so obvious you're a mess

Nella: noticed?

?: i just said it's so damn obvious! ugh..you're slow..

Nella : ^_^ oh yeah..that...

?: not gonna say?

Nella: it left a fresh hole..and it still hurts when the wind blows through..sooner or later you'll find out..i might just not take it and you know..collapse?

?: you're way to hard on yourself you know..get it out on someone else..someone who deserves it! for a change..

Nella: haha..yeah, you know? some ppl should be getting their a$$ kicked ^_^...thanx..i kinda feel better..weird though..all you do is yell and stick that stinkin reality in my face

?: better than day dreaming..you just like to run away to your own lil neverland..where everything is exactly how you wish it would be and it annoys me when you start believing it..

Nella: well, that's called hope! i just hope it turns out how i imagined

?: raaaaaight..and it never goes the way you imagined..it doesn't work princess!

Nella: lol..are you the part of me who believes in reality? hahaha..no wonder you're just so mean..

and it goes on and on..until i get interfered...she's the only one i trust completely..she knows me like no one else and i guess she's not leaving coz there is no where else to go..
i'm starting to believe that everyone who gets to know me, leave me..
is it me? am i too complicated? maybe cause i don't know how to deal with ppl? i don't know..

experience #2:
i had a big fight with a person i hold so dear..well, we fight usually and it seems like it wasn't going anywhere..i wouldn't say there was no understanding, ummm..there was..a little

but it was for the best to let it off i guess..
i was getting closer and it might've made it harder..you know..more memories to try and forget?
it wasn't me who closed the door though..

oh well, move one Nella..you've been through tougher times and you're handling yourself very well up till now..i can't believe i just said that! i'm actually learning that it's not impossible to move on! lol

I'm holding up strong till now..pretending to be strong is more like whats going on..but that's how we move on right? bottling it up and putting that fake smile on..

ok..this got me a bit upset XD
..and it's long enough..I'm not gonna talk about experience #3
ugh..it's stupid like the two above anyways..

laters...

So Simple..

2007-03-14T18:16:00.000+04:00

or When I first heard stacie Orrico's song : "so simple" I was like : OH! That's like..that's like ME!!
or how i wanna be..i'm not really sure lol

I just live this song! ^_^
nothing more to say really..
Here’s the video and the lyrics..
It just speaks of me

Video:

Lyrics:

(It could all be so simple, simple)
Don't need high heels
For a good feel

You can keep the fancy clothes
I'll take walkin in the rain
Over things material
I'll trade Melrose and the big names
Give me faces that I know
Just play a melody that everybody knows

Take it down, down, down
And strip it to the core
I don't really need much less is more, more, more

CHORUS:
True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)

Give me wisdom, plain and truthful
Teach me somethin I don't know
Plain as education, inspiration I suppose (yeah yeah)
Give me family, on a Sunday
And I'll be just fine
There's nothing in the world
That's worth more of my time

Take it down, down, down
And strip it to the core
I don't really need much less is more, more, more

CHORUS:
True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)

True to life, true to me
The way it's got to be
So simple, so simple, so simple
Live to love, love to be
Absolutely free
(so simple, so simple, simple)

Livin my dream,
is my song to the world (let 'em hear it)
Sharin' my soul and spirit
I'm hopin that you hear it
Got one (one) life (life) to live (live)
It's only what you make it (make it)

Currently

2007-03-04T11:22:00.000+04:00

these are the things im currently doing :P

Watching:
Tsubasa Chronicle

Syaoran, a boy who wants to become an archeologist, and Sakura, a princess from the Clow Kingdom, are childhood friends with a close relationship. On a fateful night, Sakura lost all her memories as a result of a conspiracy to obtain her powers. In order to regain her memory, Syaoran seeks help from the witch, Yuuko. Yuuko tells Syaoran that he has to travel from one alternate reality to another to collect fragments of Sakura's memory. However, even if Sakura regains her memory, she will have no recollection of Syaoran. Travelling together with them is Kurogane, a warrior who was exiled from his country, and Fye, a magician who wants to escape from his King. With the help of a magical creature, Mokona, they set off on an exciting journey through time and space.

it's pretty nice..up till now I'm enjoying it ^_^ episode 12!

Listening To:

Daughtry

Christopher Adam "Chris" Daughtry (born December 26, 1979) is an American rock singer-songwriter and guitarist who is the lead vocalist of Daughtry, a popular rock band formed by him in 2006. He is perhaps best known as the fourth-place finalist on the highly publicized fifth season of American Idol, eliminated from the competition on May 10, 2006. After his departure from Idol, his band's self-titled debut album sold more than 1 million copies after just 5 weeks of release, becoming the fastest-selling debut rock album in Soundscan history^[1], and so far outselling his fellow season 5 contestants' (6th place Kellie Pickler, runner-up Katharine McPhee and the season winner Taylor Hicks) debut albums. In its ninth week of release, the album reached number 1 on the Billboard charts, edging out the Dreamgirls soundtrack. He is currently the best-selling Idol contestant who was neither the winner or runner-up of their season.

it's so worth checking you guys! I'm so into the 2 songs i downloaded so far! I'm downloading the album right now..I'll come back to this when i listen to all the tracks inshallah ^_^

here's a video:

Drinking:

Lipton Ice tea Peach!

i'm getting hooked on this..it's just refreshing and awesome! ^_^ i've been drinking 4 cans of this everyday for awhile now

Playing:

Kingdom Hearts II

s an action role-playing game developed by Square Enix Co., Ltd., partly published by Buena Vista Games, and directed by Tetsuya Nomura. Kingdom Hearts II was first released in 2005 in Japan for the Sony PlayStation 2 video game console. After one month of availability, it sold one million copies in North America and was the second best selling game of 2006.^[1]

Kingdom Hearts II is the follow-up to the 2002 PlayStation 2's Disney Interactive/Squaresoft RPG Kingdom Hearts, and its 2004 Game Boy Advance sequel, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories. The story centers around a group of heroes searching for lost friends and trying to decipher and defeat the mysterious Organization XIII, along with a large cast of characters from both Disney and Square Enix properties.

this game is one of the coolest! i really like the fighting style..the story..and just the whole thing! ^_^ many Disney memories..oh btw! i highly recommend all the gamers out there to play this..i know im a bit late..and most if not all are done with this XD ..it just took me some time to get it..

and i'm almost done! :D

Studying:

absolutely nothing :P

weak..

2007-03-03T04:55:00.000+04:00

once..

i was laughing with my sisters and mom was looking at me with that motherly smile

later on when she came to kiss me b4 going to sleep..she laid next to me touched my nose with her fingers and said : you have the most beautiful nose i ever saw you know? ..i of course blushed..don't get the impression my nose is perfect XD it isn't! ..mom was just being..mom! hehe

but then she had this more serious worried look on her face and said: why do you try so hard to look so tough? you're not..you're way too fragile then how you pretend to be..

i gotta tell you it felt as i've been stabbed..not that it hurt for her to tell me..but it hurts for someone to see through me this clearly when i was trying my best to hide it..

i just burst out crying..she hugged me and calmed me down..kissed me and ended up sleeping next to me.. well, it's not like i wanna share this painful moment with you or anything..im just..well,

lately..i'm feeling so weak..i just wanna stand in that strong wind outside and hope i get torn to tiny little pieces and vanish..
im collapsing and feeling really weak..

and mom is not here to calm me down and hug me..

mom? i need you....

How to Order a Contract Killing

2007-03-01T20:25:00.000+04:00

How to Order a Contract Killing

Assassinations are the most practical solutions to common problems. Thanks to the Internet, ordering a hit has never been easier. We manage a network of freelance assassins, available to kill at a moment's notice. All you have to do is send us an email, along with the details, and wait for further instructions. All the correspondence is done through our secure online forms. We use military grade encryption technology, which ensures complete privacy. You only have to tell us "Who", "Where", and "When"; we already know "What" and don't care about the "Why".

Our basic contracts start at $50,000 per head (plus expenses). The basic package consists of a cut and clean kill, which is accomplished either by means of firing two rounds of ammunition into the back of the head, or by firing a bullet from a distance through a high-powered sniper rifle. In either case the hit accomplishes the same results: the mark is dead, and someone will be wondering who killed him.

Ordering a Contract Killing in Five Easy Steps:

1 -- First you send us an encrypted email through our secure contact form. Just tell us "Who", "Where", and "When"; we already know "What" and don't care about the "Why". Don't give us too many details at this point; just stick to the basics.

2 -- If we accept your offer, you will receive a set of instructions telling you how to send a $25,000 deposit. Follow our instructions and send your deposit EXACTLY as instructed. Then you wait for another set of instructions.

3 -- Once we receive your deposit we will send you another set of instructions. This is when you get to tell us more about your mark. Give us as much relevant information as possible and tell us how you would like him/her to die. Be sure to include only the relevant information. We don't want to know about how you feel or what you had for breakfast. Save all that for your shrink. Then you wait for further instructions.

4 -- We will contact you back with a final quote. If you accept you will have to send us a balance that will bring your deposit up to 50% of the final cost. Once you send this deposit balance you only have to wait for one final set of instructions.

5 -- Once we fulfill our contract we will send you another set of instructions telling you how to settle your outstanding balance. You will have 72 hours from the "time of death" to pay us what you owe. You are well advised to make your final payment your top priority.

Gift Certificates:

If you know someone who wants to have someone killed you can purchase a gift certificate, starting at $25,000. We will send you a 16-digit activation code that will have to be used to activate the gift certificate in the future. Gift certificates are valid for up to one year.

in bed..

2007-02-26T12:40:00.000+04:00

so I was lying on my bed last night and well, usually that’s when I really start using my brain

Hehe..i was happy and a bit excited so I woke up and started typing this..cause I usually forget ^_^

So it’s 2:42 am ..and I’m typing what I was thinking about just a lil while ago while lying on my bed and kissing the pillow..

I know that most of my posts in here are just complains..but hey! That’s what a loser does best =P

Anyways..surprisingly this post is more like the opposite ^_^ I’m going to just say what I think of myself and the ppl I hold dear to my heart..Not just saying! This came after observation!

1- I’m very irresponsible and kiddy..but I’m kinda fun to be around..ppl say I never tell what I really think and I usually compliment ppl just to lift their spirits..i might be doing that but I also speak my mind umm, in away? and what harm can possibly be done? At least I make ppl happy! no?

2- I end up telling my feelings to the ppl close to me..what I like about them and how they make me happy..then I regret saying it coz mostly..it just make them do it on purpose..i like how they make me happy without knowing..like..spontaneously? and sometimes they hold them against me?

3- I’m so freaking lucky to have such a wonderful family ^_^ even though my dad can be a bit of a pain..well, not a bit but I still love him! Sometimes I never meet him for two days and i don’t miss him..but if he was supposed to fly to syria, KSA or Thailand..i start missing him right after he leaves..weird..

4- This post is a bit long =P so..gomen (sorry) hehe..

5- I always write what I wanna do in life..i start writing them done and then i lose the paper..i just wrote a few the other day and saved it..but it’s really a short list of what I once wrote..annoying…

6- My 17 years old sister is just amazing! She’s currently my roommate and we fight a lot hehe! But when I look at her..it makes me wonder how can someone be this amazing? She’s so beautiful..innocent and super talented! she’s a plumber, an electric technician, one hell of a video gamer, – oh btw! She’s a wining eleven freak! – she gets her way around the PC so perfectly..she draws ppl in..just like that. And a great deal of fun too! Whenever she cooks, food turn delicious and she looks like a women yet she acts like a boy..she doesn’t want to get married yet she wants babies..oh and we once asked her : what’s that thing you know you can’t do yet you dream of doing? She said : I want to be a homeless XD and she was serious hahaha..i love her ^_^

7- My older sister is VERY stubborn, bossy and a bit selfish =P but she handles the eldest job perfectly..she takes the word responsible to a new level..as long as I’m around her I feel safe and everything is alright..when she took off for college that whole year was just a waiting point in my life..just waiting to be with her again..everyone..even my parents used to say : you seem so lost without her..you don’t even smile the same way..
i just feel at home when I’m with her..even if a war was raging outside..and she was with me I’d feel safe..she knows every lil thing about me and she’s just amazing..oh! and she’s on hell of an artist! I love you! ^_^

8- I have so much to talk about so this might turn into a part 1! =P ..lets see…

9- Phat is one of the ppl I consider myself very lucky to have as a friend ^_^ he’s what you can confidently call: a true friend! .. He’s always there to help and to listen ..He’s very interesting and crazy ..He’s also very random ..Which makes him even greater! I also feel comfortable listening to him..and trying to make him feel better when he’s down..he has this comforting vibe..i love you! ^_^

10- My dad is the source of my oldest sister stubbornness, bossyness and selfishness ait’s like hers but X100? =P I’m for real! He’s also super overprotective..he’s got a great sense of humor..once you understand him..you’ll laugh your ass off ^_^ .. and he’s also one of the reasons I’m not that social..i’m just not used to being social after living with him for 17 years..or is it me? anyways, he’s very smart and very opinionated ..But yeah! i still love you baba ^_^

11- Mom..mom..i can have a blog just dedicated for this indescribable person..if I wrote about her as one of the many in here it’ll just be unfair..but I guess I can give you guys a hint, right? :P well, she’s a very kind person..she’s just the perfect mom anyone can ever ask for..i’m sure you all love your moms..but even if she wasn’t my mom I would still find her an angel..not coz she glows or that she’s kind and amazing..that’s just the truth..i just hope I die first..actually I hope I die b4 any of those I’m mentioning here..i came so close to some and I was born close to some..but I just can’t see my life without them anymore..mom? I love you ^_^

12- Sensei..what am I supposed to say here? Ok..first lets make sure all of my readers are 18+ LOL! Well, I’m kinda addicted to him lately..i just love spending time with him..sometimes I wonder..when you spend so much time with someone..will you get bored eventually? I don’t know..but I doubt it..and I sure don’t want that to happen! .. even when i’m not with him I feel like his with me..he’s smart, have potatoes for lunch and he goes out a lot too! Lol.. he’s also hell-arious! as in hilarious like hell? =P it’s funny how I used to hate his guts! Actually I can’t believe that I once hated him..I love you sensei! *hug* you are who you are eh?

13- Oblivious! This girl rocks! She’s beautiful from the inside out! So sweet and so much fun..i like how we get crazy together and mess with people’s heads =P she’s intellectual and dedicated to what she wants! ..She also gives second chances which is a very good thing..right? ;) she speaks her mind and i find her very easy to talk to..one of the ppl I really want to meet..some think online friendship is just 1s and 0s..me think not! How can all these feelings I have for those ppl be just cyber data? Oh..i miss her lately :( and did I mention how super sensitive she is? Hehe..I love you hon ^_^

14- Max..oh max! this dude is weird..rude, funny and sweet all at the same time..he kills me with his super rudeness sometimes but once you get to know him..oh..i mean once he gives you the chance to know him..you’ll just love him..he’s a genius..and most of the ppl I know are actually. I’m a genius’s magnet! When he cares he CARES! He often jump to WRONG conclusions =P and he hates the guts of Microsoft hehe..he’s old too j/k ..me love you ^_^

15- My 14 year old sister makes you truly understand the word weirdness =P ..there was a rumor going around that she lacks our magic .. yes me and my sisters are fairies.. and that makes sense really when you look at how weird she is..she keeps a lot to herself yet everything makes her cry! She’s the hardest to figure..she’s very smart and always the top of her class..she’s very creative and artistic..shes also very sensitive and the most ambitious of us..and she loves to hug! Umm, we all love to hug I guess :P she’s like ten times more of a daydreamer then me =P I know! That can’t be! But I love her weirdness and her weird ways of expressing herself..lulu? I love you ^_^

16- my youngest sister and the most adorable creature on earth is just..adorable hehe..she's so hyper and you just want to spend all the time with her..of course that's hard to manage but i still miss her right after i hug her..actually i miss her while hugging her.. ^_^ she's to me the best! even though she's 10 i just love talking to her about old ppl's stuff =P and asking her what she thinks about this and that..amuses me how she thinks..she's as well super talented..whenever she tries something she immediately becomes the best in it..didn't try her in the kitchen yet but i bet she'll surpass everyone ^_^ i love you Sarah!

17-hmm, it seems I'm the only one with no talents in the family..man..that sucks even more! don't get me wrong! I'm not jealous hehe.. sigh...

18-Morpha! he's so funny and sweet..even though i don't know him like the rest in here ,but i still find him a great friend..he seems to always be there when i need someone to be there the most..by accident? no! fate! lol. you rock ya sa3att al basha! ^_^

yaay! no part 2! ^_^ well, you'll only know there is no part 2 if you finished reading this..

2007-02-21T18:07:00.001+04:00

*sigh*

just felt like sighing out loud ^_^

Childhood memories chapter 2:

2007-02-19T14:52:00.000+04:00

So yeah…tomboys were the trend back then. And I was nothing close to one.
If we played (shur6a wa 7arami) I used to be caught right away and no! I was really giving it my all XD

Sure it was depressing since I always went out first and ended up waiting for a very long time for everyone else to be caught and for the game to start again. So It wasn’t fun and I began to skip the games. I bet they were grateful I did on my own. Not that they had a problem kicking me out of the game or complaining about me..

I was the last in almost everything!

I was the last to learn how to swim in the trio! Yup as hard as it is to believe I was a part of a gang.

I was!

But mostly they were forced to take me since we were close age-wise and whenever my grandma would spot me alone she’d scream her head off at the two of them and make them take me along on their weird treasure hunting trips XD
It wasn’t my fault! Why were they giving me the look! Grandma made them take me and made ME go along with them!

Well, to be honest I never blamed them for the looks coz normally treasure hunting involves climbing trees, walls or jumping around and I’m definitely going to slow them down and sometimes even trouble them when we go to places where I need the climbing skills to manage to return! Or go on!

But I wasn’t “completely” useless though

You see I was ........................“the shovel”!

Since it was a treasure hunt then I was supposed to be digging up the treasures they locate.

mostly it was digging up buried marbles -they buried them so I really can’t see how was it a treasure hunt- (lol)

To be continued…

my blog! my rules!

2007-02-18T22:29:00.000+04:00

well, something triggered this..obviously :p

i was taking random pictures in my room one day which was something i never did in a while..about 2 years to be more exact and my sister was observing the whole thing and decided to comment when she saw me taking a picture of an ice cream i was eating and said : you're not planning on posting that on your blog are you?

i was like : maybe...

her: ugh..that's like so lame!

me: well, it's my freakin blog! i can post ******** if i want to!

it's my god damned blog! for god's sake! it's about me and what i do/think! if im eating ice cream and i wanted to blog about it then i blog about it!
if i'm in love and wanted to blog about my perfect boyfriend then i blog about him!

if i'm so not in the mood and wanted to blog about it then i blog about it!

*Inhales*....* exhales*

ok...laters

Valentine...

2007-02-14T20:21:00.000+04:00

So it's valentine
Happy Valentine's Day you all ^_^

And to all those who are not alone…I hate you! :p

Childhood memories chapter 1

2007-02-11T23:01:00.000+04:00

I really find it weird having a lot of my childhood memories flashbacking in an almost daily basis lately. why? well, coz I’m the day dreaming type so most of the time I wasn’t there to remember what happened.

It’s not like I remember everything of course..but the few I do remember are pretty clear ^_^

Starting with the age of two months! I remember when the plane took off! Yes I know I was 2 months old so I probably had no memory card placed in yet. But whatever..
Don’t believe me if you don’t want to, but I’m 100% sure I remember ^_^

Well, my childhood was some how happy. Even though back then all I felt was being…ah..I don’t know I can’t describe the feeling. But it wasn’t happiness that’s for sure! *rolleyes*

Anyways I was a bit too girly.
This earned me the cheerleading position in our neighborhood. I was the neighborhood cheerleader!!
And it’s weird, being the shyest quietest girl in the whole neighborhood and handling the cheering!! But cheering in my time was a bit different..

I used to cheer by sitting silently on the sidewalk and wait for the older boys to get tired of playing football so they come to me and I kiss them to recover.
I know I know! Sounds b!tchy! But I was 5! That covers it right? XD

Oh well, but I wasn’t that popular among the girls.. *sigh*
You see…being a tomboy was the trend back then..so me being the quiet daydreaming girl..umm, and a bit cute turned me into an outcast.

I never knew how to climb trees, run fast or ride bicycles
And it would be considered mere madness if someone suggested me as a player in a football team! The team I was supposed to join would protest and well, I’m sure they never meant it when they used to say:

That’s not fair! How come we get HER on OUR team?

The other team would reply: coz the teams gotta be even!

The cursed team: fine! Well, that’s not being even! She doesn’t count! She’ll probably be giving YOU the ball! - I was known to be a daydreamer. I was even replaced in a school dance when I was about 8. Coz I daydreamed once while preforming and it ruined the dance..what makes it worse is that it was preformed in front of some hotshot from the ministry of education - why don’t YOU take her?

The other “lucky” team: well, we chose first! Tough luck!!

Eventually I’ll either play with them and they’ll be swearing at me every time the other team scores or I’d just wait for the game to start and back off saying: I need to go to the bathroom! Continue! I might be late...

Well, mostly I’d lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I suppose you all agree that it hurts…

But I still think I would’ve made them win if they noticed my true potential! What’s that?
That I looked like the ball of course! They could’ve used me to confuse the other team! :p
Yup! I was a ball! Short and chubby (lol)

In fact my mom and aunts still wonder how did I grow up to be an average height person? Or even a bit taller than average :p

To be continued…

hum..pretty woman

2007-02-03T02:15:00.000+04:00

So I went to Carrefour to shop with my little sister the other day..and as we went from an isle to the next..

getting the stuff on the list and crossing them out..we noticed that almost EVERY guy that passed by us was humming a song!

and only guys! all the ladies were minding their own business and humming nothing XD

i was like : is it the national humming day?

There was no songs playing in the place..and as I noticed only a few people had there iPods on :p
It was really weird..but it made me think..when do people hum anyways? When they’re happy? Or do they just hum?

I’ve been humming myself the past two days (pretty woman…walking down the street, pretty woman….)

And I won't say i'm happy..I’m just, the usual me..and when was the last time I heard pretty woman anyway? 5 months ago? XD

Tagged!

2007-02-02T19:59:00.000+04:00

Tagged by 3T ^_^

What will happen to your e-mail when you die?

get deactivated?

Did you try once to give the password to someone? If yes, what kind of relation that you have with this person to trust him/her and give him/her the key of your secrets?

two ppl! a friend and someone else *winks*

Your famous nickname among your Friends?

i've got so many nicknames! but the most famous would be angel

Your age?

Your horoscope?

Aquarius

Your qualifications?

TEFL and no it's not TOFEL!! TEFL stands for (teaching English as a foreign language) : yes, as hard as it is for you to believe i'm going to be an english teacher..

Your character "personality"?

sweet, stubborn, lazy beyond anyone's imagination and extremely imaginative

What travel means to you?

a dream! its on top of my list of the things i wanna do in life ^_^

What do you purchase?

mostly, what i don't need! :p

Features taken from your dad

Legs. And I'm so grateful for them :p

Stubbornness

Musical ear?

Features taken from your mom

Kindness

Love for books

Nails

The most 6 things you hate-

Arrogance

Being misunderstood

Bad smells

Over-protectiveness

Liars

Making promises you'll never fulfill

The most 6 things you love-

My family

Pizza

Traveling

Music

My orange pillow

Languages

What computer and internet mean to you Currently?

It's My sanctuary, a place to be with friends and another source of life and knowledge.

You would like to pass this tag to:-

no one? or do i have to?

i'm really not bothered coming up with a title...

2007-01-26T09:57:00.000+04:00

So I’m sitting online with nothing to do..I decided to look around blogs..it's weird reading all these personal stuff about people you never or hardly know..someone who's grieving over a dead relative, some family wedding problems, love poems, Oman won a match videos, etc..

But the personal stuff remains the best to read! Well, that's just me

for example: I just saw someone I know but never saw before! And I gotta say it's like a 1-80 difference from the picture I had in mind! Hot stuff! :p
i can relate to the way they think and the way they look now..being an expert in imagining helps alot! hehe..

I’m almost 20 ..two weeks to go and as I view the past 19 years it feels as if I lived them all in denial..how whenever reality hit me (and most of the time it hits me with some bad stuff) I just isolate myself and daydream of a better one and then just move on with the better reality in mind..

To be honest? Compared to others my life is heaven! But no one is living happily..thats what suck about life! Some are worried about when their next meal will be, while some worry about turning 20 or having no talents! As big the difference is as the same effect it has! We still worry and get stressed!

So I told you about me having no talents even though the most disagrees I still think I have none..the word talented is a bit different in my dictionary I guess..
it doesn't mean making the best pasta..it means being an Italian chef! It doesn't mean being good in basketball! It means being Michael Jordan in it!

It hurts when I see people good in a lot of things..and I mean GOOD as in my dictionary's definition of TALENTED! While I’m just an average in everything I do..

Can’t I be a guy for a day? Just to see how men think and feel?
Can’t I be Angelina Jolie for a day? I bet her life is exciting!
Can’t I meet a fairy? God knows I’m soo dying to...

I have so many dreams to fulfill..and I’m already 20! XD

laters

Randomness - Craziness - Childishly speaking

2007-01-23T22:21:00.000+04:00

I’m gonna turn 20 soon and I hate it! People usually look forward for their birthday..Well, the people I know do and I’m not really looking forward for it like the other passed ones..Except for the presents! Yeah! That’s something I can never stop looking forward to, hehe :p

It’s not because of the wrinkles or anything.im just not ready to be 20 yet! I’m not mature enough to be twenty! I’m so kiddy. And whenever someone is pissed at me they start calling me, Miss Irresponible..Seriously..Oh well, I guess the world has more important things to worry about then me turning 20! I mean even my complaining sound so immature! Ugh! It’s not like something I can help so I better get over it..

So many things to get over..

Ever been depressed to the point that you wanted to paint your room black? I have!

I got my grades the other day. Not the ones I was looking for. I did so well in my exams..and finals were alright as well. I really don't care to be honest..I wasn't studying seriously..It went well after all I guess..

Is it wrong to have friends you love and trust even though you've never met? It’s fine with me but others seem to be making it a big deal! What is a friend anyways? Isn’t he/she the one who listens? Help you when you’re in need? Cheer you up? Make your day? Feel like you can be yourself with?

Well, that what makes a friend to me..

Oh by the way, I never make sense most of the times so feel free to try and get some sense outta that…

laters

No talent No cry?

2007-01-22T03:59:00.000+04:00

Well, I’ve been asked this question a few times..I always end up with an embarrassment smile..you could obviously tell the answer was NO..i guess it was written on my forehead.. but, the first time I was asked I was thinking really hard and came up with absolutely nothing..i said : no I don't think I have a talent..of course it kept me awake for a couple of nights tossing and turning and all that drama..
thinking how can someone be so damn useless hopeless and the "less" wouldn't stop up until i reached "pathetic" that’s when I shed a few tears..and fell asleep..

to the ones who know me you'd probably say: "NAH! you're not useless, hopeless,.......................pathetic!"
and to the ones who don't then i bet you are rolling your eyes with the thought "Geez, such a drama queen!"

well, how would you feel if you realized you're a good for nothing human being? won't you be acting drama queenish? won't you feel really hopeless, helpless, useless.......pathetic?

I’m a good for nothing human being and I do believe it.. well, let’s not exaggerate I think that to some extent XD

I have no talents..I’m anti-social, I’m not so good in almost everything. How can someone alive be so hopeless, helpless, useless.......pathetic you say?
Well, I don't really know if the reason is me living in my own invented Neverland with me being good in everything..or me being truly hopeless, helpless, useless.......pathetic made me live in my own invented Neverland!
Ugh again I’m confused!
Confusion = dead end..

Oh well, I guess I do feel a bit better sharing this with you..

Laters

Fake

2007-01-14T17:18:00.000+04:00

I hate this word! I hear it a lot and most of the time it's misused!

is it fake to smile when you meet a family member when you see them almost everyday and your not that enthusiastic about it?
is it fake to be extra nice to people in general?
is it fake to want love and peace?

Well, if fake = love then count me in..
I’m a FAKE and I’m proud to be!
I love my family and to tell the truth I’m obsessed with them..I'd smile every time I meet them..i'd hug them and kiss them and smile whenever my eyes meet any of them..even if I’m not the "enthusiastic" about it..
Would you like an icy face to welcome you? Would you feel the warmth of their love?

Even if they're not that happy to meet me I’d still "fake" a smile and stick it on my face..

Ok this got me a bit upset.. XD

If you read this I hope you're "faking" a smile now..

laters

Rain Music

2007-01-12T00:49:00.002+04:00

Rain...

To some people Rain is an omen...it resembles sickness, darkness and sometimes death..to others it's a sign of prosperity..When the earth quenches it's thirst and bloom..

Where I live. Raining is a very special event..I remember being 7 and as childish as i'm always am..Whenever the sky had a couple of dark clouds I would start jumping by the window and praying it'll rain. Please god..Please let it rain...
Most of the time the wind would blow the two little clouds away so it'll rain elsewhere..like the Indian Ocean needs more water.

But when it rains all the kids would go crazy.I remember us screaming..and hastily running outside with our mouths open so wide! inviting the pure drops from heaven to fall in.the luckiest would be the one who got to swallow the largest amount of it...
sometimes it rains so hard that our parents won't let us go out...even sneaking was hard...though sometimes one of us manages to get out and tries to get as wet as she can before someone comes and take her back in...we'd be staring out the window with our eyes full of tears..

Silently listening to the sacred rain music..

My Confession...Josh Groban

2007-01-12T00:15:00.000+04:00

I have been blind, unwilling
to seeThe true love you're giving.
I have ignored every blessing.
I'm on my knees confessin
That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
I have been wrong about you.
Thought I was strong without you.
For so long
nothing could move me.
For so long
nothing could change me
Now I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am captured by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
[Bridge:]
You are the air that I breathe.
You're the ground beneath my feet.
When did I stop believing?
Cause I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
can't hide
Now hear my confession.
Hear my confession

i might just post all of his lyrics :p ..seriously im in love with his voice and songs!

Yellow!

2006-09-14T20:38:00.000+04:00

mic check..ello! 1, 2, 3 ..can you hear me?

i've got a blog!

get ready for my crazy rollercoster ride! :p

naaaah..boredom is my middle name XD ..and i can prove it